Heteroflexibility is a form of sexual orientation or situational sexual behaviour characterised by minimal homosexual activity in an otherwise primarily heterosexual orientation, which may or may not distinguish it from bisexuality. It has been characterised as “mostly straight”. Although sometimes equated with bi-curiosity to describe a broad continuum of sexual orientation between heterosexuality and bisexuality, other authors distinguish heteroflexibility as lacking the “wish to experiment with … sexuality” implied by the bi-curious label. The corresponding situation in which homosexual activity predominates has also been described, termed homoflexibility.
What does heteroflexible mean? According to UrbanDictionary, the term refers to “a person who identifies as primarily heterosexual but who can find the same sex sexually appealing.” The term has steadily gained in use over the years. The online dating, friendship and social networking site OkCupid added “heteroflexible” to its choices for identifying one’s sexuality in 2014 and the couples seeking a third person hook up app Feeld added many more options as well as Heteroflexible they also give the user this selection to chose from ( and no doubt a dictionary recommendation as well ) Pansexual, Polysexual, Queer, Androgynosexual, Androsexual, Asexual, Demisexual, GrayA, Homoflexible, Objectumsexual, Skoliosexial and Bi-Curious.
What Does It Mean to Be Heteroflexible?
Simply put a heteroflexible person is someone who is fundamentally straight but who has an occasional desire to experience sensual maybe sexual intimacy with someone of the same gender.
They may have a lot of gay or lesbian friends, might identify with the gay and lesbian culture, and might even work for gay and lesbian rights — but they regard themselves publicly as straight, at least when they are not feeling attracted to someone of the same sex.
Heterosexual vs. Bisexual
But wait, isn’t that basically what being bisexual means? Yes and no. Bisexuals are attracted to both genders, if not equally — that’s usually not the case — then at least they’re consistently attracted by more than one gender. Someone who is heteroflexible might feel the urge for someone of the same sex only occasionally. A man who is predominantly heterosexual exhibits a greater preference for partners of the opposite sex. He may not even act on his attraction to a same-sex partner. It might be just a feeling he sometimes experiences without taking that feeling to the next level, and if he does take it to the next level, the experience may not actually be sex but just kissing and/or making out.
Basically, being heteroflexible is a version or variation of being bisexual.
Debate Over the Term
Of course, there is some debate over the term heteroflexible. Some people think it is a legitimate way to describe oneself, while others are concerned that people who might otherwise identify as bisexual would instead say that they’re heteroflexible because it is less “loaded.” But isn’t this their, right? There’s no one consensus, so, for now, it is probably best, to go with the term you’re most comfortable with!
The emotion behind male to male erotic intimacy
As a sex engineer and masseur over the past 14 years I have given treatments to approximately 4000 men. Before giving the treatment I always ask their motivation for wanting to experience a male to male sensual massage. Of these 4000 I would estimate that 60% would define themselves as either heteroflexible or bisexual. This includes married men (happily or unhappily married to women) men with girlfriends or female partners, single men who mostly have sex with women and men who due to culture or belief system can not have sex with women so revert to same-sex encounters to satisfy their need for sensual and sexual fulfilment.
60% may seem high figure but this is because taking a sensual massage given by another man enables these men to compartmentalise and explore this private part of themselves discreetly that otherwise may not be expressed. A sensual massage allows a man to be touched but not necessarily touchback, it ensures privacy, discretion, professionalism and of course skill in the giving. It also allows a safe space in which to explore this aspect of their sexuality while not effecting their presented public persona.
The Theory of Five Influences
For many male clients identifying as heteroflexible or bisexual sits well with them but for a few, it can be confusing even scary so I take time to explain that same-sex attraction is not just about a physical desire for intimacy with another man but often included a desire for emotional connection. Of the 4000 men I can I have noticed that almost all of them, whether defining as gay, bisexual or heteroflexible have one aspect in common and this is that they have experienced an emotional disconnection with the primary male figure(s) in childhood. It seems that if a male child under the age of 11 experiences a disconnection with a father figure then this can have a profound effect on his emotional needs in the future. If as a child they felt rejection, abandonment, criticism even had a fear of the father then this lack of connection and lack of approval often means that later in life they will seek it out from other men. For a more in-depth explanation of male sexuality read my Theory of Five Influences.
A man taking a sensual massage or seeking intimate sensual touch given by another man is not only seeking the sexual fulfilment of arousal and orgasm but is also seeking this emotional fulfilment of male approval. If a man has not experienced male approval in childhood then this natural stage in childhood development does not dissipate. This person may even though teenage years experience an unconscious attraction to a masculine classmate. He may idolise a particular male celebrity or even a friends father or older brother. This feeling will develop and even if he marries, has children and may even try hard to suppress the feeling the desire for the missed male to male connection may never go away. These men often find themselves watching gay or bisexual porn, or suggesting to their female partners to explore a threesome with another man, since even watching another man have sex with their own female partner can often be more about the approval received from of the other male enjoying the sex rather than the pleasure his female partner may actually be getting. He may even join in so as to make a connection with the other man but within the safety of his heterosexual relationship.
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The long and often slippery road to finding a good Sensual Masseur
Massage is for Real Men – It is said that real men don’t cry or wear their heart on their sleeve. Real men are resilient and stoic, that they shun sensuality and intimacy in preference to instant gratifications. It is also said that real men don’t seek professional help for their psychological aches and pains or emotional fears and so when it has come to reducing their stress this has traditionally limited their options for treatment, instead relying on a hard session at the gym or the pub to eradicate the anxieties that engulf them in today’s competitive image conscious society.
Therefore it should come as no surprise that according to the International Spa Association, the number of men who have visited Spas in the last five years has grown by 900%. Spas are now socially accepted and of course are extremely enjoyable and Londoners recently admitted that a Spa treatment helped them relax better than a Friday night at the pub and it is massage that is at the top of the list for chosen treatments for men.
The challenges for men having a massage.
As every man who has experienced massage knows it can be an encounter of mixed feelings. On the one hand to have your body and muscles worked deep and to feel the intimate touch of another’s hands, male or female, is a wonderfully relaxing therapeutic sensation. On the other hand it can also be an experience fraught with anxiety and tension since with even the most expert hands at work many men become acutely aware of the rumbling sensations of arousal as the body responds and with it the fear of obvious visual detection and subsequent embarrassment.
Sensual Massage – more than just a “rub & tug”
Getting a “hard on” during a regular massage is probably everyman’s nightmare, particularly if the treatment is clearly designed only to be therapeutic. The embarrassment is compounded more so if the masseur has not brought up the subject of potential arousal and through their own awkwardness to the subject, leaves it as an unspoken “demon” that hangs in the air throughout the whole proceedings! It is because of this that many men will avoid having massage at all, but increasingly more and more men are discovering the availability, pleasure and safety of receiving a Sensual Massage that is designed to includes both proper muscle work and allows, sometimes even encourages, full arousal often to orgasm. The internet now gives plenty of opportunity to find a sensual massage but how do clients find a masseur who is both trained in massage and comfortable to include intimate erotic touch as part of the treatment.
How to spot the “Givers” from the “Takers”
With none of the official massage schools broad minded enough to train practitioners how to give sensual massage, clients are generally reliant on their own initiative when searching the pages and pages of adverts. Often sensual massage will be couched in “Tantric” language which, much to the dismay of true Tantra teachers, has become a bi word for erotic massage. Just because it talks of “Lingums” and “Wands of Light” it does not necessarily mean you will receive a professional massage. So for those men who do want to enjoy a sensual massage given by a professional here are a few tips on how to sort the genuine “givers” from the “takers”
12 Tips on how to find a good sensual masseur
1. Has the masseur got their own web site – generally if they have invested effort and money in a web site then they will be more serious about their work. The better the web site the more professional the masseur
2. Ask if the masseur has been trained by a legitimate massage school in either Therapeutic, Swedish or Sports Massage – a tip is to ask if they include Effleurage or Petrissage strokes in the massage, any properly trained masseur will know these correct terms for long flowing strokes and kneading movements.
3. Ask for a full description of what the massage will or won’t include, if they indicate that they do not offer sexual services then they will more than likely be more genuine in their approach.
4. Do they display client testimonials on the web site – Of course it’s easy to make these up but usually the genuine testimonials can be spotted rather than those self written.
5. Beware of discounts – a good sensual masseur does not usually need to give discounts.
6. Don’t go for anything less than 60 min – 75 min or 90 is the usual length of a full body sensual massage. Offering 30 minutes generally means only one thing!
7. Do they have their own massage studio or do they just offer “out calls” – a proper massage can really only be given on a massage bed or possibly a yoga mat, beds are not suitable whether hotel or home and generally implies that the massage will slip quite quickly into something more sexual and then finish as soon as the client reaches orgasm with no discount for reduced time.
8. Look for “talent” not “tit” “creativity not cock”. Don’t get swayed by erotic suggestive pictures of the masseurs, take notice of the more professionally presented masseurs.
9. Look at their operating times – if it’s predominantly a late night service then it will be more “tug” than “rub”
10. If you can when making the enquiry speak to the masseur themselves, a lot can be understood from their level of spoken English and knowledge of their service
11. Go with your “gut” if you don’t feel right don’t book, if you feel iffy on the phone imagine what you will feel like when they have their hands on you.
12. And finally NEVER be afraid to walk away before the massage begins. If the venue, cleanliness and atmosphere make you uncomfortable, even if you have to pay a cancelation fee it’s better to be out of pocket than out of your depth!
Sensual Massage – Nature’s natural medicine at our fingertips
by Colin Richards, Master Masseur & Sexual Performance Mentor
Touch of the ancients
For centuries and in many early cultures, massage was an accepted and common healing treatment. As early as the 3rd century BC Chinese Taoist priests, to the 1st century BC Indian Tantra gurus, to the Greeks and later the Romans, even to the more remote tribes of the Pacific islands, massage with oils (often infused with herbs and flowers) was an integral part of maintaining a healthy life. It was seen as a way to heal ailments or calm the body and mind after a hectic day of battle, politics or sport, as a treatment for skin conditions and, of course – within Tao and Tantra philosophies – as a way of enhancing understanding and sensual communication between lovers. But most importantly, these ancients held no distinction between sensual or non sensual, believing that ‘if it felt good then it must be good’ and that the sensual process which ultimately creates life is sacred and natural – to be embraced rather than feared.
Massage remained common throughout the first millennium, then gradually – particularly in Western Cultures due to religious doctrine – the emergence of science as the only accepted healing treatment and later, the puritanical values of the Victorian era, right up to the present day ‘can’t touch’ culture, touch became demonised, viewed mostly as sexual unless given within a relationship. This meant that the for last few hundred years right up to the late 20th century, if you were not in a functioning intimate partnership the only means of receiving touch was either in medicinal treatment (such as rubbing a remedy balm into the chest for colds) or in polarity as a sexual service given by escorts and prostitutes, making the word ‘massage’ simply a euphemism for sexual favours.
Touch in the 21st century – The stigma of touch
Many of us are fortunate to be in a loving intimate relationship with a partner, where sensual touch is given to each other often as a prelude to sex or just to show love for one another. However, for those not in a relationship or whose relationship has become non intimate and physically distant, intimate touch can be elusive, available only by seeking out some kind of ‘treatment’. Some simply go to a hairdresser or beautician, some visit a sports or therapeutic masseur or other ‘bodywork’ practitioner. For some the choice is a furtive sexual liaison that allows them to touch and be touched – even for just a short moment. But the touch in these situations is mostly given conditionally and without feeling. The therapist remains painstakingly clinical to avoid any impression of intimacy; the hairdresser keeps chatting – lest that lovely feeling of having the scalp massaged be misunderstood, and the brief sexual encounter remains mechanical for fear that any intimacy shown may imply the desire for relationship. Many societies in the modern West are ‘touch-starved’. We actively discourage the kind of affection that is expressed naturally in other cultures. It’s socially unacceptable to touch. There is an unwritten rule that says the less you know someone the further apart you must be. Think about being on a train. When another passenger gets on, the last place they will choose to sit is next to an occupied seat. Only when there is no other option will they actually sit next to someone else.
All too often, when we hear about touch, it is in the context of pornography – even abuse and violence. We go out of our way to ignore or deny the need for caring touch and because our bodies remain imprinted with that basic need, we live with the consequences: reduced well-being, fear, depression, insecurity, abusiveness, mental illness. The high levels of publicity given to sexual abuse over recent years have been a great deterrent for healthy touching. We’re afraid of touching because our actions might be misinterpreted – hence children are deprived of appropriate touch at a very early age. Our response has been analogous to that of the person who, having eaten some bad food, decides that the best course of action in future is not to eat at all, rather than ensuring that what is eaten is healthy. So too it is with touch. There’s the rotten variety which makes us ill, but there’s also the nourishing, wholesome kind, which is the staff of life itself. Please, let’s not allow the existence of harmful touch to lead us to deprivation.
How important is touch?
The words that spring to mind are – crucial, critical and vital. Literally vital, as without appropriate touch, people cannot grow and develop. Touch is powerful . ‘The greatest sense in our body is our touch sense. It’s probably the chief sense in processes of sleeping and waking; it gives us our knowledge of depth or thickness and form; we feel, we love and hate, are touchy and are touched, through … our skin.’ (J Lionel Tayler: ‘The Stages of Human Life’ – 1921) Touch is instinct. When a baby cries, its instinct is to pick up, rock, pat and soothe. When you bang your elbow, its instinct is to grab it and rub it. Touch is an unthinking part of our everyday language: we say – rub up the wrong way; out of touch; lost their grip; thick-skinned or thin skinned; the personal touch; when something’s exactly right we’ve ‘put a finger on it’, and maybe most telling of all, when someone’s moving away we say ‘keep in touch’, even when what we mean is write or phone. The dictionary definition of ‘touch’ is ‘the action or an act of feeling something with the hand etc’. The operative word is ‘feeling’. Though touch is not in itself an emotion, its sensory elements induce those feelings we describe as emotions. A comforting hand on the shoulder of someone who is distressed produces a very different emotional reaction to an apprehending touch on the shoulder of a wrongdoer. The touch of someone’s hand, the closeness of an embrace, and the connection of personal contact signify caring and comforting. Feelings of security, safety and easiness are amplified. Touching builds closeness, fosters communication and nurtures intimacy. Touching gives a person the sense of being cared about and cared for. Being touched or held makes a person feel worthy psychologically and soothed physically.
What is touch?
Touch is contact, a relationship with that which lies outside our own periphery. It tells us we’re not alone. As infants, it’s primarily through touch that we explore and make sense of the world; the loving touch of our carers is essential to our growth. The cuddling and stroking received in infancy helps build a healthy self image and nurtures the feeling of being accepted and loved. Psychologists have demonstrated that our perception of how much and how we are touched relates to how we value ourselves; it’s the essential nourishment for self-esteem. Touch is much more than a physical interaction. It has to do with the acknowledgement of our shared humanity and mutual recognition of the inherent vulnerability and intense wish for contact that is present in each of us. When we feel loved as a result of an abundance of appropriate touch and affection in our lives, we have an inbuilt sense of safety and stability that does not depend upon how other people respond to us. We wake up feeling loved and go to sleep feeling loved – no matter what slings and arrows get hurled at us in any given day.
Touch deprivation – what happens if we’re not touched?
The 13th century historian Salimbene described an experiment carried out by the German Emperor Frederick II, who wanted to know what language children would speak if raised without hearing any words at all. Babies were taken from their mothers and raised in isolation. The result was that they all died. Salimbene wrote in 1248, ‘They could not live without petting.’Nor can anyone else. Untouched adults may not die physically, but life will not be experienced to the full. Touch deprivation is also harmful because it severely affects sleep, which is necessary for the conservation of energy. In all studies on separations of very young children from their mothers, sleep was always affected. The time children required to fall asleep was longer, and night waking was more frequent. In several studies a suppressed immune response was noted following the separation of monkeys from their mothers. Less antibody production and less natural killer cell activity resulted. After reunion with their mothers, immune function returned to normal. Studies on touch deprivation among pre-school children who were separated from their mothers also noted more frequent illnesses, particularly upper respiratory infections, diarrhoea and constipation. This is the same for adults: 26 adults with migraine headaches, randomly assigned to a massage therapy group, received twice-weekly 30-minute massages for five consecutive weeks. They reported fewer distress symptoms, less pain, more headache-free days, fewer sleep disturbances, also taking fewer analgesics and with increased serotonin levels.
Why do we love to be touched? Is it primal?
The need for intimate touch is primal; for millennia, man – maybe even before he had the powers of speech – more than likely used touch as a form of group communication. By nature we are a tribal species; we need each other to survive. For the first ten or so years of our lives we are extremely vulnerable; we need others to protect, feed and care for us and it is through touch we are reassured that we belong to the group, that we are safe. It identifies our place in the group hierarchy.
In nature’s example of the Bonobo monkey – that shares 98% of our genetic makeup and is regarded as the closest primate to the human being – sex and intimate touch is a major part of their social life and group dynamics. It is not so difficult to believe, therefore, that the natural state of the human being is very similar – an area studied by Frans B.M. de Waal and reported in the March 1995 issue of Scientific American.
‘The diversity of erotic contacts in bonobos includes sporadic oral sex, massage of another individual’s genitals and intense tongue-kissing. Lest this leave the impression of a pathologically oversexed species, I must add, based on hundreds of hours of watching bonobos, that their sexual activity is rather casual and relaxed. It appears to be a completely natural part of their group life. Like people, bonobos engage in sex only occasionally, not continuously’.
Bonobo Sex and Society, by Frans B. M. de Waal. [Read more]
Skin – the biggest sensory & sexual organ in the body
How is it possible that touch can be one of most effective means to influence the structures and functions of body and mind? The answer lies in the skin. Skin is the largest sensory organ of the body, arising in a human embryo from the same ectodermic cell layers as the nervous system. In the evolution of the senses, touch is the earliest to develop.
Skin statistics – 19 square feet of pleasure
In an adult male there are 19 square feet of skin which contains 5 million sensory cells and represents 12% of total body weight. Skin is softer in summer – the pores are wider and there is greater lubrication. In winter it’s more compact and firm, the pores are closer together and hair sheds less. A piece of skin the size of a 5 pence coin has: more than 3 million cells, 100-340 sweat glands, 50 nerve endings and three feet of blood vessels. Skin contains hundreds of thousands of sensory receptors, which are triggered by skin stimuli. Skin, so closely tied to the nervous system, sends messages to our brain via the spinal cord – heart rate and blood pressure react. Appropriate touch can prompt the brain to produce endorphins, the body’s natural pain suppressers, which are considered more powerful than morphine. This is why massage can help ease pain.