Heteroflexibility is a form of sexual orientation or situational sexual behaviour characterised by minimal homosexual activity in an otherwise primarily heterosexual orientation, which may or may not distinguish it from bisexuality. It has been characterised as “mostly straight”. Although sometimes equated with bi-curiosity to describe a broad continuum of sexual orientation between heterosexuality and bisexuality, other authors distinguish heteroflexibility as lacking the “wish to experiment with … sexuality” implied by the bi-curious label. The corresponding situation in which homosexual activity predominates has also been described, termed homoflexibility.
What does heteroflexible mean? According to UrbanDictionary, the term refers to “a person who identifies as primarily heterosexual but who can find the same sex sexually appealing.” The term has steadily gained in use over the years. The online dating, friendship and social networking site OkCupid added “heteroflexible” to its choices for identifying one’s sexuality in 2014 and the couples seeking a third person hook up app Feeld added many more options as well as Heteroflexible they also give the user this selection to chose from ( and no doubt a dictionary recommendation as well ) Pansexual, Polysexual, Queer, Androgynosexual, Androsexual, Asexual, Demisexual, GrayA, Homoflexible, Objectumsexual, Skoliosexial and Bi-Curious.
What Does It Mean to Be Heteroflexible?
Simply put a heteroflexible person is someone who is fundamentally straight but who has an occasional desire to experience sensual maybe sexual intimacy with someone of the same gender.
They may have a lot of gay or lesbian friends, might identify with the gay and lesbian culture, and might even work for gay and lesbian rights — but they regard themselves publicly as straight, at least when they are not feeling attracted to someone of the same sex.
Heterosexual vs. Bisexual
But wait, isn’t that basically what being bisexual means? Yes and no. Bisexuals are attracted to both genders, if not equally — that’s usually not the case — then at least they’re consistently attracted by more than one gender. Someone who is heteroflexible might feel the urge for someone of the same sex only occasionally. A man who is predominantly heterosexual exhibits a greater preference for partners of the opposite sex. He may not even act on his attraction to a same-sex partner. It might be just a feeling he sometimes experiences without taking that feeling to the next level, and if he does take it to the next level, the experience may not actually be sex but just kissing and/or making out.
Basically, being heteroflexible is a version or variation of being bisexual.
Debate Over the Term
Of course, there is some debate over the term heteroflexible. Some people think it is a legitimate way to describe oneself, while others are concerned that people who might otherwise identify as bisexual would instead say that they’re heteroflexible because it is less “loaded.” But isn’t this their, right? There’s no one consensus, so, for now, it is probably best, to go with the term you’re most comfortable with!
The emotion behind male to male erotic intimacy
As a sex engineer and masseur over the past 14 years I have given treatments to approximately 4000 men. Before giving the treatment I always ask their motivation for wanting to experience a male to male sensual massage. Of these 4000 I would estimate that 60% would define themselves as either heteroflexible or bisexual. This includes married men (happily or unhappily married to women) men with girlfriends or female partners, single men who mostly have sex with women and men who due to culture or belief system can not have sex with women so revert to same-sex encounters to satisfy their need for sensual and sexual fulfilment.
60% may seem high figure but this is because taking a sensual massage given by another man enables these men to compartmentalise and explore this private part of themselves discreetly that otherwise may not be expressed. A sensual massage allows a man to be touched but not necessarily touchback, it ensures privacy, discretion, professionalism and of course skill in the giving. It also allows a safe space in which to explore this aspect of their sexuality while not effecting their presented public persona.
The Theory of Five Influences
For many male clients identifying as heteroflexible or bisexual sits well with them but for a few, it can be confusing even scary so I take time to explain that same-sex attraction is not just about a physical desire for intimacy with another man but often included a desire for emotional connection. Of the 4000 men I can I have noticed that almost all of them, whether defining as gay, bisexual or heteroflexible have one aspect in common and this is that they have experienced an emotional disconnection with the primary male figure(s) in childhood. It seems that if a male child under the age of 11 experiences a disconnection with a father figure then this can have a profound effect on his emotional needs in the future. If as a child they felt rejection, abandonment, criticism even had a fear of the father then this lack of connection and lack of approval often means that later in life they will seek it out from other men. For a more in-depth explanation of male sexuality read my Theory of Five Influences.
A man taking a sensual massage or seeking intimate sensual touch given by another man is not only seeking the sexual fulfilment of arousal and orgasm but is also seeking this emotional fulfilment of male approval. If a man has not experienced male approval in childhood then this natural stage in childhood development does not dissipate. This person may even though teenage years experience an unconscious attraction to a masculine classmate. He may idolise a particular male celebrity or even a friends father or older brother. This feeling will develop and even if he marries, has children and may even try hard to suppress the feeling the desire for the missed male to male connection may never go away. These men often find themselves watching gay or bisexual porn, or suggesting to their female partners to explore a threesome with another man, since even watching another man have sex with their own female partner can often be more about the approval received from of the other male enjoying the sex rather than the pleasure his female partner may actually be getting. He may even join in so as to make a connection with the other man but within the safety of his heterosexual relationship.
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The long and often slippery road to finding a good Sensual Masseur
Massage is for Real Men – It is said that real men don’t cry or wear their heart on their sleeve. Real men are resilient and stoic, that they shun sensuality and intimacy in preference to instant gratifications. It is also said that real men don’t seek professional help for their psychological aches and pains or emotional fears and so when it has come to reducing their stress this has traditionally limited their options for treatment, instead relying on a hard session at the gym or the pub to eradicate the anxieties that engulf them in today’s competitive image conscious society.
Therefore it should come as no surprise that according to the International Spa Association, the number of men who have visited Spas in the last five years has grown by 900%. Spas are now socially accepted and of course are extremely enjoyable and Londoners recently admitted that a Spa treatment helped them relax better than a Friday night at the pub and it is massage that is at the top of the list for chosen treatments for men.
The challenges for men having a massage.
As every man who has experienced massage knows it can be an encounter of mixed feelings. On the one hand to have your body and muscles worked deep and to feel the intimate touch of another’s hands, male or female, is a wonderfully relaxing therapeutic sensation. On the other hand it can also be an experience fraught with anxiety and tension since with even the most expert hands at work many men become acutely aware of the rumbling sensations of arousal as the body responds and with it the fear of obvious visual detection and subsequent embarrassment.
Sensual Massage – more than just a “rub & tug”
Getting a “hard on” during a regular massage is probably everyman’s nightmare, particularly if the treatment is clearly designed only to be therapeutic. The embarrassment is compounded more so if the masseur has not brought up the subject of potential arousal and through their own awkwardness to the subject, leaves it as an unspoken “demon” that hangs in the air throughout the whole proceedings! It is because of this that many men will avoid having massage at all, but increasingly more and more men are discovering the availability, pleasure and safety of receiving a Sensual Massage that is designed to includes both proper muscle work and allows, sometimes even encourages, full arousal often to orgasm. The internet now gives plenty of opportunity to find a sensual massage but how do clients find a masseur who is both trained in massage and comfortable to include intimate erotic touch as part of the treatment.
How to spot the “Givers” from the “Takers”
With none of the official massage schools broad minded enough to train practitioners how to give sensual massage, clients are generally reliant on their own initiative when searching the pages and pages of adverts. Often sensual massage will be couched in “Tantric” language which, much to the dismay of true Tantra teachers, has become a bi word for erotic massage. Just because it talks of “Lingums” and “Wands of Light” it does not necessarily mean you will receive a professional massage. So for those men who do want to enjoy a sensual massage given by a professional here are a few tips on how to sort the genuine “givers” from the “takers”
12 Tips on how to find a good sensual masseur
1. Has the masseur got their own web site – generally if they have invested effort and money in a web site then they will be more serious about their work. The better the web site the more professional the masseur
2. Ask if the masseur has been trained by a legitimate massage school in either Therapeutic, Swedish or Sports Massage – a tip is to ask if they include Effleurage or Petrissage strokes in the massage, any properly trained masseur will know these correct terms for long flowing strokes and kneading movements.
3. Ask for a full description of what the massage will or won’t include, if they indicate that they do not offer sexual services then they will more than likely be more genuine in their approach.
4. Do they display client testimonials on the web site – Of course it’s easy to make these up but usually the genuine testimonials can be spotted rather than those self written.
5. Beware of discounts – a good sensual masseur does not usually need to give discounts.
6. Don’t go for anything less than 60 min – 75 min or 90 is the usual length of a full body sensual massage. Offering 30 minutes generally means only one thing!
7. Do they have their own massage studio or do they just offer “out calls” – a proper massage can really only be given on a massage bed or possibly a yoga mat, beds are not suitable whether hotel or home and generally implies that the massage will slip quite quickly into something more sexual and then finish as soon as the client reaches orgasm with no discount for reduced time.
8. Look for “talent” not “tit” “creativity not cock”. Don’t get swayed by erotic suggestive pictures of the masseurs, take notice of the more professionally presented masseurs.
9. Look at their operating times – if it’s predominantly a late night service then it will be more “tug” than “rub”
10. If you can when making the enquiry speak to the masseur themselves, a lot can be understood from their level of spoken English and knowledge of their service
11. Go with your “gut” if you don’t feel right don’t book, if you feel iffy on the phone imagine what you will feel like when they have their hands on you.
12. And finally NEVER be afraid to walk away before the massage begins. If the venue, cleanliness and atmosphere make you uncomfortable, even if you have to pay a cancelation fee it’s better to be out of pocket than out of your depth!
Sensual Massage – Nature’s natural medicine at our fingertips
by Colin Richards, Master Masseur & Sexual Performance Mentor
Touch of the ancients
For centuries and in many early cultures, massage was an accepted and common healing treatment. As early as the 3rd century BC Chinese Taoist priests, to the 1st century BC Indian Tantra gurus, to the Greeks and later the Romans, even to the more remote tribes of the Pacific islands, massage with oils (often infused with herbs and flowers) was an integral part of maintaining a healthy life. It was seen as a way to heal ailments or calm the body and mind after a hectic day of battle, politics or sport, as a treatment for skin conditions and, of course – within Tao and Tantra philosophies – as a way of enhancing understanding and sensual communication between lovers. But most importantly, these ancients held no distinction between sensual or non sensual, believing that ‘if it felt good then it must be good’ and that the sensual process which ultimately creates life is sacred and natural – to be embraced rather than feared.
Massage remained common throughout the first millennium, then gradually – particularly in Western Cultures due to religious doctrine – the emergence of science as the only accepted healing treatment and later, the puritanical values of the Victorian era, right up to the present day ‘can’t touch’ culture, touch became demonised, viewed mostly as sexual unless given within a relationship. This meant that the for last few hundred years right up to the late 20th century, if you were not in a functioning intimate partnership the only means of receiving touch was either in medicinal treatment (such as rubbing a remedy balm into the chest for colds) or in polarity as a sexual service given by escorts and prostitutes, making the word ‘massage’ simply a euphemism for sexual favours.
Touch in the 21st century – The stigma of touch
Many of us are fortunate to be in a loving intimate relationship with a partner, where sensual touch is given to each other often as a prelude to sex or just to show love for one another. However, for those not in a relationship or whose relationship has become non intimate and physically distant, intimate touch can be elusive, available only by seeking out some kind of ‘treatment’. Some simply go to a hairdresser or beautician, some visit a sports or therapeutic masseur or other ‘bodywork’ practitioner. For some the choice is a furtive sexual liaison that allows them to touch and be touched – even for just a short moment. But the touch in these situations is mostly given conditionally and without feeling. The therapist remains painstakingly clinical to avoid any impression of intimacy; the hairdresser keeps chatting – lest that lovely feeling of having the scalp massaged be misunderstood, and the brief sexual encounter remains mechanical for fear that any intimacy shown may imply the desire for relationship. Many societies in the modern West are ‘touch-starved’. We actively discourage the kind of affection that is expressed naturally in other cultures. It’s socially unacceptable to touch. There is an unwritten rule that says the less you know someone the further apart you must be. Think about being on a train. When another passenger gets on, the last place they will choose to sit is next to an occupied seat. Only when there is no other option will they actually sit next to someone else.
All too often, when we hear about touch, it is in the context of pornography – even abuse and violence. We go out of our way to ignore or deny the need for caring touch and because our bodies remain imprinted with that basic need, we live with the consequences: reduced well-being, fear, depression, insecurity, abusiveness, mental illness. The high levels of publicity given to sexual abuse over recent years have been a great deterrent for healthy touching. We’re afraid of touching because our actions might be misinterpreted – hence children are deprived of appropriate touch at a very early age. Our response has been analogous to that of the person who, having eaten some bad food, decides that the best course of action in future is not to eat at all, rather than ensuring that what is eaten is healthy. So too it is with touch. There’s the rotten variety which makes us ill, but there’s also the nourishing, wholesome kind, which is the staff of life itself. Please, let’s not allow the existence of harmful touch to lead us to deprivation.
How important is touch?
The words that spring to mind are – crucial, critical and vital. Literally vital, as without appropriate touch, people cannot grow and develop. Touch is powerful . ‘The greatest sense in our body is our touch sense. It’s probably the chief sense in processes of sleeping and waking; it gives us our knowledge of depth or thickness and form; we feel, we love and hate, are touchy and are touched, through … our skin.’ (J Lionel Tayler: ‘The Stages of Human Life’ – 1921) Touch is instinct. When a baby cries, its instinct is to pick up, rock, pat and soothe. When you bang your elbow, its instinct is to grab it and rub it. Touch is an unthinking part of our everyday language: we say – rub up the wrong way; out of touch; lost their grip; thick-skinned or thin skinned; the personal touch; when something’s exactly right we’ve ‘put a finger on it’, and maybe most telling of all, when someone’s moving away we say ‘keep in touch’, even when what we mean is write or phone. The dictionary definition of ‘touch’ is ‘the action or an act of feeling something with the hand etc’. The operative word is ‘feeling’. Though touch is not in itself an emotion, its sensory elements induce those feelings we describe as emotions. A comforting hand on the shoulder of someone who is distressed produces a very different emotional reaction to an apprehending touch on the shoulder of a wrongdoer. The touch of someone’s hand, the closeness of an embrace, and the connection of personal contact signify caring and comforting. Feelings of security, safety and easiness are amplified. Touching builds closeness, fosters communication and nurtures intimacy. Touching gives a person the sense of being cared about and cared for. Being touched or held makes a person feel worthy psychologically and soothed physically.
What is touch?
Touch is contact, a relationship with that which lies outside our own periphery. It tells us we’re not alone. As infants, it’s primarily through touch that we explore and make sense of the world; the loving touch of our carers is essential to our growth. The cuddling and stroking received in infancy helps build a healthy self image and nurtures the feeling of being accepted and loved. Psychologists have demonstrated that our perception of how much and how we are touched relates to how we value ourselves; it’s the essential nourishment for self-esteem. Touch is much more than a physical interaction. It has to do with the acknowledgement of our shared humanity and mutual recognition of the inherent vulnerability and intense wish for contact that is present in each of us. When we feel loved as a result of an abundance of appropriate touch and affection in our lives, we have an inbuilt sense of safety and stability that does not depend upon how other people respond to us. We wake up feeling loved and go to sleep feeling loved – no matter what slings and arrows get hurled at us in any given day.
Touch deprivation – what happens if we’re not touched?
The 13th century historian Salimbene described an experiment carried out by the German Emperor Frederick II, who wanted to know what language children would speak if raised without hearing any words at all. Babies were taken from their mothers and raised in isolation. The result was that they all died. Salimbene wrote in 1248, ‘They could not live without petting.’Nor can anyone else. Untouched adults may not die physically, but life will not be experienced to the full. Touch deprivation is also harmful because it severely affects sleep, which is necessary for the conservation of energy. In all studies on separations of very young children from their mothers, sleep was always affected. The time children required to fall asleep was longer, and night waking was more frequent. In several studies a suppressed immune response was noted following the separation of monkeys from their mothers. Less antibody production and less natural killer cell activity resulted. After reunion with their mothers, immune function returned to normal. Studies on touch deprivation among pre-school children who were separated from their mothers also noted more frequent illnesses, particularly upper respiratory infections, diarrhoea and constipation. This is the same for adults: 26 adults with migraine headaches, randomly assigned to a massage therapy group, received twice-weekly 30-minute massages for five consecutive weeks. They reported fewer distress symptoms, less pain, more headache-free days, fewer sleep disturbances, also taking fewer analgesics and with increased serotonin levels.
Why do we love to be touched? Is it primal?
The need for intimate touch is primal; for millennia, man – maybe even before he had the powers of speech – more than likely used touch as a form of group communication. By nature we are a tribal species; we need each other to survive. For the first ten or so years of our lives we are extremely vulnerable; we need others to protect, feed and care for us and it is through touch we are reassured that we belong to the group, that we are safe. It identifies our place in the group hierarchy.
In nature’s example of the Bonobo monkey – that shares 98% of our genetic makeup and is regarded as the closest primate to the human being – sex and intimate touch is a major part of their social life and group dynamics. It is not so difficult to believe, therefore, that the natural state of the human being is very similar – an area studied by Frans B.M. de Waal and reported in the March 1995 issue of Scientific American.
‘The diversity of erotic contacts in bonobos includes sporadic oral sex, massage of another individual’s genitals and intense tongue-kissing. Lest this leave the impression of a pathologically oversexed species, I must add, based on hundreds of hours of watching bonobos, that their sexual activity is rather casual and relaxed. It appears to be a completely natural part of their group life. Like people, bonobos engage in sex only occasionally, not continuously’.
Bonobo Sex and Society, by Frans B. M. de Waal. [Read more]
Skin – the biggest sensory & sexual organ in the body
How is it possible that touch can be one of most effective means to influence the structures and functions of body and mind? The answer lies in the skin. Skin is the largest sensory organ of the body, arising in a human embryo from the same ectodermic cell layers as the nervous system. In the evolution of the senses, touch is the earliest to develop.
Skin statistics – 19 square feet of pleasure
In an adult male there are 19 square feet of skin which contains 5 million sensory cells and represents 12% of total body weight. Skin is softer in summer – the pores are wider and there is greater lubrication. In winter it’s more compact and firm, the pores are closer together and hair sheds less. A piece of skin the size of a 5 pence coin has: more than 3 million cells, 100-340 sweat glands, 50 nerve endings and three feet of blood vessels. Skin contains hundreds of thousands of sensory receptors, which are triggered by skin stimuli. Skin, so closely tied to the nervous system, sends messages to our brain via the spinal cord – heart rate and blood pressure react. Appropriate touch can prompt the brain to produce endorphins, the body’s natural pain suppressers, which are considered more powerful than morphine. This is why massage can help ease pain.
(Article by Tom Halford for Pink News featuring comments by IT founder Colin Richards)
There is a lot of stigma – unfairly – around polyamory.
A polyamorous relationship simply means that individuals in the relationship are able to have multiple sexual or romantic partners at once.
But according to societal norms, monogamous relationships are the only acceptable kind.
That idea, however, is breaking down as open relationships become increasingly popular – and hopefully more accepted.
After all, there’s nothing wrong with consenting adults agreeing to be in a relationship.
And according to Colin Richards, a sex engineer and relationship therapist, “human beings are not designed to be sexually monogamous.”
He explained that “we may be able to be socially and emotionally monogamous,” but this was not a product of nature.
Instead, monogamy came about because we went from being hunters and gatherers to being territorial and agricultural, Richards said.
Before that, humans would share living space and sexual partners.
When people learned to grow crops, they had to stop being nomadic and team up with their offspring, he continued.
Since they would have no idea who their offspring were, due to having multiple partners, they stopped the females from having sex with other males to ensure the male would know who his offspring was.
We have, of course, moved on since then.
But proposing the idea of opening up your relationship can be intimidating.
There are a number of factors you should consider when discussing the possibility of opening up your relationship.
Honesty is key
Open communication is essential when discussing with your partner the idea of opening up your relationship, according to sex and relationships writer Sophie Blackman.
“If you don’t have honesty or trust, you are not going to be able to deal with a polyamorous relationship,” she added.
“Honesty is incredibly important because you’re inviting other people into your relationship and this means STIs can be brought into your relationship.”
After several failed monogamous relationships due to cheating on both sides, Adam (not his real name) started a polyamorous relationship with his current partner.
He said there were numerous benefits.
“It took away the fear of cheating and made us stronger and opened up the communication hugely because neither of us had to hide anything.”
What do you want to get out of it?
Do you just want to be able to kiss people on nights out? Have threesomes? Go to swinging parties? Be able to date other people?
Whatever it is you want, it is important to discuss this with your partner.
This may change, and that’s okay as long as you’re upfront and honest about it.
Richards said: “You have to set rules and boundaries with your partner that you are both comfortable with.
“Communication is vital to come up with a renegotiation of this relationship that works for both parties.”
If you and your partner are becoming involved in other sexual activity, you are naturally opening yourself up to more risk of contracting STIs or pregnancy.
Naturally, you should both consider taking precautions to protect yourselves.
Richards said that if you are having sex with other people, you should make sure everyone is protecting themselves and that you and your partner should go to your local clinic every 3 months to get tested.
Reassure your partner
When you bring up the subject with your partner, they could become insecure that you’re going to leave them, or that you don’t love them.
It is important that you don’t pressure them into doing something they’re not comfortable with.
You should respect them and give them the time and space to think about it.
If you explain why you’re interested in opening the relationship, they might relate and possibly agree. Just tell them what you’re feeling.
We spoke to Mike (not his real name), who has been in a gay monogamous relationship for several years and has recently brought up the subject of polyamory with his partner.
He said: “I wanted to open up the relationship, and while my partner had been curious about it and even suggested it in the past, this time he wasn’t feeling secure or loved enough, and said it felt like an ultimatum.”
Richards suggests that you should reassure your partner that you love them, and explain that the more freedom they give you to live the life you want, the closer you will be.
He added: “Once your partner gets that security, his anxiety and fears about losing his partner will lessen and before you know it he will be involved with other people as well.”
Here is an article on Colin’s work with women and published in Cosmopolitan Magazine December 15th 2017
Click HERE to read the original article
Why these 4 women pay a stranger for orgasmic massages
“It’s not sleazy or weird.”
By Paisley Gilmour
Dec 15, 2017
Massages are great and I think you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who didn’t agree. But when it comes it intimate massages, it’s rare for people to publicly sing their praises. It seems there’s a bit of a misconception that the world of orgasmic massages is kind of seedy.
While I’m sure some are less than legit, Colin Richards runs the reputable and highly recommended Intimacy Matters. He’s a trained relationship and sex therapist and masseur and specialises in sensual and psycho-sensual massages for women, men and couples. Women visit him for a number of reasons, from wanting better orgasms to needing help overcoming sexual trauma. While his massages more often than not end in the recipient climaxing, many experience multiple orgasms and female ejaculation.
Here, four women explain the very different reasons why they have orgasmic massages.
“My friend with benefits wasn’t satisfying me”
Jennifer*, 34, a doctor, says,
“I had a friend with benefits who used to rush things a little bit and wouldn’t take as much time as I wanted him to in achieving my orgasm. So I wanted to be pampered a bit and one of my fantasies was having a back massage and then making it more intimate. My FWB would be like, ‘I find the massage boring can we just do the intimate bit?’ He just didn’t put in the time and effort I desired. So I researched Colin and asked him lots of questions before going for the ‘Sensual Massage’ [90 minutes for £185] in November 2015.
He started off with my back and neck and shoulders, then went down to my hips and obviously near my bottom. Then nearer and nearer the bottom and in between the legs. I was quite turned on and he brought me to orgasm with his fingers while I was on my front. Then he let me recover a bit, then turned me on my back and started doing different massage moves. He brought me to orgasm twice using his fingers again while I was on my back. I can’t remember which were vaginal, clitoral or combined but I do remember having a few orgasms.
What I learned
It’s not at all sleazy or weird. Pleasure is the main thing I got out of it and the best bit is you don’t have to do anything to him, it’s all about you so it’s a very sensuous experience. He’s totally focused on you – it’s quite selfish and gratifying.”
“Traumatic events had screwed my mind up about sex”
Holly*, 27, a psychology student, says,
“I’d dome some work in the Middle East at a very hostile time and saw things that were quite traumatic. Some of those were sexual and because I can speak Hebrew and Arabic, I was translating some pretty horrific stuff, too. In my mind I was like, ‘sex is not good because I’ve seen all this awful stuff’. It basically just screwed my mind up.
I also have a disability that I won’t go into, but I always saw it as a bad thing and was really down on myself. I didn’t feel that attractive to anybody and I wasn’t very confident. It got to the point where I literally couldn’t even sit in the same room as a guy without freaking out.
“How I enjoyed sex again after being abused”
I’d tried normal counselling and CBT, but for me, I need affirmation through touch and I wasn’t getting that. I knew I needed a different approach. My belief system has also taught me not to have sex before marriage and that if you have any sexual desire, it’s wrong. But I couldn’t deny I was having sexual desires.
I booked in for the ‘Psycho-sensual Massage Treatment’ [£300 for three hours]. He does a counselling part of it and then body work as well. For the first 90 minutes we talked through things. Because it was a new experience I was honestly so nervous I was sat on the floor in a ball. It took even an hour for Colin to be able to touch my shoulder and arms. At the start I went almost every two weeks, sometimes every week at the beginning. Now, I do a lot of Skype with him [for the talking therapy] and go and see him once a month.
What I learned
The massage is really good and really enjoyable, but having someone who can explain why you do things and feel a certain way makes it great. I feel totally more confident since seeing him. I never would have gone on dates before, but now I do. Through him, I realise my disability isn’t such a bad thing. I never realised what good qualities I had before this.”
“My one night stands were sexually lacking”
Megan*, 22, a student, says,
“I was at a party when I met a girl who told me about Colin and what he did, which I thought sounded really great. She said he was looking for volunteer receivers for a sensual massage workshop and I decided to do it. During the session, I lay on a massage bed while male members of the group took it in turns to practice massaging me.
It didn’t feel in any way uncomfortable, even when the second half became more sexual. I was quite amazed when I orgasmed. I’m quite open minded sexually and always up for experimenting with men and women. I’m single and find myself getting caught in a cycle of having one night stands. They’re fun and I enjoy them, but there’s something sexually lacking – the freedom to explore your sexuality with someone you can trust.
“I’d never really had that all over euphoric feeling before.”
As part of the deal of being a volunteer, I got to go back and have a one-on-one massage. Colin just knew exactly what to do and was very good at picking up (involuntary) signals from my body. He’s very receptive, not like with guys you’re dating where you have to verbally say, ‘this is what I want you to do’. Internal stimulation was involved but it wasn’t the main event and such a tiny part of it.
What I learned
Reaching orgasm has never really been an issue for me, but this was very different. It felt like a full-body experience and I’d never really had that all over euphoric feeling before. There’s not often the freedom to explore what you really want sexually as a single woman without facing some kind of stigma or shame. So it’s nice to be able to explore elements of your sexuality.”
“I wanted to learn what my body’s really capable of”
Anna*, 38, a marketing consultant, says,
“I’m bisexual and have been happily married to a man for 10 years. I met Colin at a sex party he was hosting where I had an encounter with a woman. She did this thing that made me squirt. It was fucking amazing and she did it again and again and then taught my husband how to do it to me. That’s when I thought, ‘right, there’s untapped potential here’. I then decided to have the ‘Absolute Erotic Massage’ [a 105-minute full-body sensual massage costing £225] in September this year
I got onto the table naked and he started out by doing a normal Swedish-style massage on my neck and back. It was really nice and relaxing. He’d occasionally go to hold my hand briefly and I could squeeze to let him know I was ok. It’s such a vulnerable position to be putting yourself in, so that way of communicating made me feel safe and comfortable.
Then he started being more intimate with the massage – including clitoral and internal vaginal massaging which I’d requested. I’d asked him not to do anal. He’d slowly ramp it up so I thought I was about to come, and then slow it down before starting again. I completely zoned out and was swept away by the physical pleasure. I thought I’d had around four orgasms and that included squirting again. But he said it was six, which was kind of insane. I’ve never done that before.
Afterwards, I felt so energised and went home that evening and had really good sex with my husband. He’d been very supportive and now we’re talking about doing a couples massage.
What I learned
My body is capable of more than I thought it was, like my sexual stamina and the ability to keep having orgasms. I wish more people were open to it. Women’s sexuality has been so repressed for so long in society and culturally that it’s really important to turn that around.”
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Let’s start with the obvious: safety. Even at the most mundane of times, showers can be accident prone places. Add to this the obviously wet and soapy environment curious positions, distracted attention and orgasmic highs the potential for a slipped disc or bruised bottom are considerable. It is vital that before embarking on any aqua adventure in the shower, precautions must be taken. So as not to ruin the spontaneity of the moment it is sensible to get the safety features in place beforehand.
A non-slip shower matt is essential. Something firm to grip on for leverage for both him and her, so install some solid handrails (not suction or plastic as these liable to snap or fall off mid thrust). Make sure you have plenty of space, the modern walk-in integrated showers are best rather than the shower enclosures, and if it’s a one-person shower you may need to reserve the more intense activity for the bathroom floor and just keep the shower for the foreplay.
Don’t Use Condoms…
Another important safety note: condoms aren’t reliable in the shower. They are prone to slipping off more easily and can degrade during contact with the water. So make sure you have a second mode of pregnancy and/or STI prevention.
…But Do Use Lube
Water may appear to be a handy lubricant, but actually, it dries up natural vaginal lubrication and can make penetration uncomfortable. Whether vaginal or anal penetration is involved in your shower sexercises, you are going to need additional lubrication even if you don’t use it normally.
Soap or shower gel is not an advisable alternative as it may irritate and cause discomfort due to the perfumes and chemicals some soaps include.
Water-based lubes will wash away, so make sure your lube is silicone-based. It can withstand contact with water for a pretty long time. Just don’t forget to wash it off with soap afterwards, and keep in mind that silicone lubes can ruin silicone sex toys.
Dependent on size, by that I mean shower size you are probably going to be limited in the variety of positions available to you. If you’re having any sort of penetrative sex, it is best to be standing up, both facing in the same direction. The partner being penetrated can place their hands against the wall (not the shower door as it may fly open) for leverage. The person doing the penetrating can also push against the wall or can hold on to one of the handles. It’s best not to use your partner for leverage since if one of you slips you are likely both come crashing down and it won’t be screams or pleasure, you’ll be making.
If heterosexual coupling then the guy may be taller than the girl, if gay or lesbian then height discrepancy may not be a factor. Never the less the temptation to stand on something to aid access to penetration is not a good idea. Have the shorter person stand more upright and the taller widen their stance or squat a bit.
Now that we have got the more practical stuff out the way here are some suitable and some imaginative positions for great shower sex.
The Back Scrub
A variation on the traditional doggy style with the receiver facing forwards and the giver behind penetration vaginally or anally can be accompanied by the scrubbing of the back with a loofa or shower brush. Ther combination of sensations will heighten the experience rather than distract.
Romance under the waterfall
Quite a simple and safe option is the Waterfall when both face one another, and if heights are comparable, then the guy penetrates face forward. If the receiver is shorter, then they may have to be lifted and held up with their legs wrapped around the giver. In either case, let the warm water cascade over you both as you hug and embrace one another.
Surfing the wave
A variation on the cowgirl, Surfing the wave can only be achieved if there is enough floor space in the shower. The giver lays on the floor, and the receiver kneels astride. Because of the hard floor, it may be more comfortable for the receiver to kneel on some waterproof cushions or at least some flannels under each knee to avoid abrasions. Once in position have the shower directed over the giver’s stomach, so you both feel the sensation of the warm flow between your bodies.
Great sex in the shower should not always include penetration so here are a couple of not penetrative options to consider.
Clitoral Water Massage
If you have a power shower that has adjustable shower flows then turn it into the most direct water jet and turn the temperature down to about 35c. The female then sits on the shower floor with her back resting against the wall with her legs apart exposing her vagina. Ask her to close her eyes then slowly steer the jet of water over her body. Starting at her feet, working up to the calves and thighs, teasingly slow. Direct the flow into her groin area ( the sensitive part where the leg attaches to torso) and then when she can take no more gently take the flow over her clitoris. With your other had spread her vaginal lips apart and then water massage her to orgasm in an on-off motion, 10 seconds on her clit then 15 seconds off, then 10 seconds on again until she reaches orgasm.
If you are giving this to a man then direct the water jet on to the front side of his cock particularly around the Frenulum, This is the V-shaped part under the head of the penis where the glans meets the shaft. It has some sensitivity to it, but less than the glans itself. You can also ask him to turn and bend over and then direct the jet on to the sensitive skin around his anus and perineum the area between the anus and the scrotum.
The Golden Shower Shower
If a couple has never explored mutual urination better known as the golden shower, then trying this out for the first time in the shower is probably the best place to start. Urinating together may to some seem quite bizarre, but for others, it can create a deep sense of connection. To make the experience even closer helping one another by the man supporting his woman by holding her under armpit as she urinates or she holding his penis as he responds can bring a remarkable level of trust and intimacy. Of course for the truely adventurous peeing over one another is also an option. Soap and water easily at hand to wash up afterwards.
A shower is also a great place for anal play, especially if you’re usually a bit squeamish about the back door. You get the reassurance of knowing that everything is perfectly clean right before getting started. So exploring in the shower your first experience with prostate massagers and strap-ons can lessen the chance of any awkward mishaps.
A final piece of advice is to make sure there is a lock on the bathroom door. If you don’t live alone, then children or housemates barging in will certainly ensure many embarrassing stories in the future.
Don’t Limit Yourselves to Penetration
Remember, intercourse isn’t the only way to have sex, and other intimate activities can be more suited to the shower. Fellatio enthusiasts can have their guy stand at the edge of the shower head’s radius so that the water is being deflected by his back and not getting into your eyes (it also helps to have a cushy bath mat to protect your knees). Or, use some silicone lube to give an extra-slippery handjob. Push your lady against the wall of the shower and finger her from behind. You can also bring waterproof (emphasis on waterproof) sex toys into the shower to help get each other off with less effort. A shower is also a great place for anal play, especially if you’re usually a big squeamish about the back door. You get the reassurance of knowing that everything is perfectly clean right before getting started.
You can also use the shower as foreplay. Tease your partner by letting them watch you clean yourself, but forbidding them from joining you. Or you can make out and taunt each other with your hands and mouths, then move out of the shower to finish each other off (perhaps on a sturdy counter in your bathroom?)
Give the Tub a Try
Bathtub sex doesn’t tend to get as much attention as shower sex, but it can be just as fun. If you’re having penetrative sex, the penetrated partner can get on top facing towards or away from their partner. They can prop themselves up on their feet, and can use their hands on the tub rim for even more leverage. Or the catcher can sit in the pitcher’s lap, and they can grind against each other. Be conservative with how high to fill the tub unless you want to spend your post-orgasm afterglow mopping up the mess!
If you’re lucky enough to have some jets in your tub, you can strategically line up against the stream for some delightful pressure in all the right places. Revel Body makes a product called the Sol that creates a wonderfully unique suction sensation in the bath, perfect for nipples and other sensitive spots.
Keep It Quick
I highly recommend going for a quickie when you’re having shower sex. It can make the experience feel that much more intense and passionate, not to mention save you from sore limbs, pruney fingers, and irritation from soaps and other bath products. Remember; you can always continue after you get out!