Cuckolding

The current and most common description of cuckolding is a man who gets turned on his watching his wife have sex with other men without taking part himself. Cuckolding occurs when a married woman has a sexual encounter with another man with her husband’s full knowledge and consent. She does it because it makes him aroused and reputedly because he is inadequate in bed himself.

Psycho-Sexuality Engineer Colin Richards of Intimacy Matters has been working with the phenomena of cuckolding for the past five years and although he agrees somewhat with the humiliation idea he also believes that there are several other motivations why some men enjoy watching their wives or girlfriends have sex with another man.

But first, let’s look at the traditional meaning of cuckold.

The word cuckold and what it has always meant (and everything it means now), I just had this vague idea that a cuckold was a man worthy of mockery. The truth is that being cuckold today means something very different from what it did when the word was first coined. The original meaning of “cuckold” is very old.

Cuckold originally meant being the wronged husband of an adulterous wife.The first recorded use, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, was in a satirical poem called “The Owl and The Nightingale.”

Why cuckold?

The word is derived from the cuckoo bird which is known for laying its eggs in the nests of other birds. Only in this case, instead of eggs, it’s a wife laying with a man who is not her husband. An important part of this definition is the notion that the husband has no idea that his wife is pulling one over on him. Calling a man a cuckold is to mock him, according to this definition. Not only is he not “man enough” to keep his woman from straying he’s also a fool who doesn’t even realize that his wife is cheating on him. Another phrase you’ll often hear bandied about with “cuckold” in the ancient definition of the word is “wearing the horns” or “he’s wearing the horns of a cuckold.”

When someone mentions horns this way, they are referring to the mating rituals of stags. Cuckolding is a sexual fetish that a lot of people enjoy.

Here’s why

“Cuckolding” or “cucking” is when a man and his partner derive sexual pleasure from the woman having sex with men who are not her partner.

Very often, her partner is “forced” to watch his wife or partner being unfaithful. It’s a fetish that, like many others, is formed in a masochistic love being humiliated.

In that way, cuckolding is a subset of the BDSM kink world.

Like with many other kinks, what’s appealing to men who are self-proclaimed cucks is the element of escapism, taking a break from the restrictions of their daily lives.

“It’s a stress reliever,” “I know my wife loves me, I know she’s not going anywhere, but the idea that I’m not man enough for her or that she has needs I can’t meet gets me going,” is often cited as the hook.

“It’s atavistic, like, my role as her husband is to give her kids and keep her satisfied, right? But when I’m cucking, it’s taking those expectations and ripping them away. It’s a high like nothing else.’

While many other sexual fetishes have become more accepted in the mainstream cuckolding is still something that stays in the closet.

Other apparent motivations of the cuckold.

Colin offers couples the opportunity to explore cuckolding within the environment of sensual massage.

This is when the female is the ‘receiver of the sensual massage and the male partner watches. Motivations that he sees that extend beyond the need for humiliation are:-

  • I want approval from another man by sharing my partner with him.

Colin says “Although not spoken at the time when giving a sensual massage to a wife or girlfriend I often have the male partner ask me if I am enjoying giving her the massage. This seems reminiscent of the time the child shared his toys with the other boys to belong to the gang.’

  • Misplaced colonial approval

Colin says “ Cuckolding seems more popular with couples from cultures and ethnicities that were once under colonial rule and there appears to be an unconscious belief that the western male can pleasure his partner better than he can”

  • I can not satisfy her in the way she wants

 Colin says “ some men explain that they feel they can not get the approval from their female partner sexually, so the fall back is to gain approval by arranging for another man to give her sexual satisfaction.

  • I want to watch a sexually experienced man satisfy my partner so that I can learn how to be a better lover

 Unlike watching porn which for many men can be intimidating because of the stereotypical ‘stud’ image of the men involved, learning how to be a better lover from someone who they can relate to can be both arousing and informative.

Exploring Cuckolding for the first time

For those couples who want to explore ‘Cuckolding’ in a safe and professional environment that not only gives them the chance to explore the situation but also to understand their desires better Colin offers several types of experiences.

Colin says “By exploring ‘Cuckolding’ with a professional, it ensures that the adventure is contained within both sexual and emotional boundaries and that there is no chance that the female would become emotionally involved with the provider. It also allow the couple to create the experience they want rather than to the agenda of the third party which is handled wrongly can jeopardise the relationship.

For the cuckold experience to be successful the emotional relationship between the couple must remain sacrosanct since if the female becomes emotionally attracted to the provider then the cuckold experience can fall into becoming an affair which ultimately will break the trust that is essential for the cuckold relationship to work.

  1. Watch & Enjoy’ Cuckold Couples Massage

  • 105 minute “Absolute” massage for the female – £245
  • 90 minute “Premium” massage for the male – £205
  • 60 minute – Standard/Re-Energiser for either him or her – £155

The “Watch & Enjoy” cuckold massage is perfect the couple where one partner wants to watch the other partner receive the sensual massage. The massage given is the 105 minute “Absolute” Massage for the female or the 90-minute Premium Massage for the male. As well as enjoying seeing their partner experience the pleasures of this massage it also provides a perfect opportunity to learn a few techniques in erotic arousal.

Perfect for women – a new sensation

For the female, this cuckold massage often enables her to experience a different type of touch and sensual dynamic from a man than the one she regularly experiences. This often means she will enjoy sensations that she may not have felt before and so is particularly good for women who experience difficulty reaching orgasm.

  1. ‘Watch & Touch’ Couples Massage

  • 105 minute “Absolute” massage for the female – £265
  • 90 minute “Premium” massage for the male – £225
  • 60 minute – £195

The “Watch & Touch” massage is probably the most popular couples massage I give because it enables one partner to enjoy the therapeutic element of the massage and explore the gradual arousal that it encourages whilst the other partner watches. Then after about 40 minutes, when the erotic energy develops, the watching partner can join in and the massage becomes a 4 hands experience with all the excitement and exploration that comes with that.The massage given is the “Absolute” Massage for the female or the Premium massage for the male.

Perfect for:

  • The woman who has wondered what it would be like to be desired and pampered by two men at the same time.
  • The straight or bisexual man who wants to explore his sexuality with his female partner watching and then taking part.
  • The gay man who wants to watch his partner enjoy the experience and then join in towards the end.
  • Female receiver wants to watch her male partner explore same-sex intimacy
  • Male partner wants to perform for his female partner
  • Female partner is aware that male partner is bisexual and wants to enable the opportunity safely and without deception.
  1. ‘Give With Me’ Couples Massage

  • 105 minute “Absolute” massage for the female – £285
  • 90 minute “Premium” massage for the male – £245
  • 60 minute – £195

The ‘Give With Me’ massage is similar to the two treatments mentioned above and is given as an option for the couple where one partner wants to help give the whole massage to the other partner as 4 hands, with myself as leader and guide. I can be partnered with either with the male or female to give to the other partner. The massage given is the ‘Absolute’ Massage for the female or the ‘Premium’ Massage for the male.

Here are some of the reasons given by previous couples for taking the participation massage:-

  • My female partner wants to experience 4 hands massage but wants me to be one of the masseurs
  • My male partner wants to experience 4 hands but wants me to be one of the masseurs
  • We are beginning to explore wider sexual horizons and this seems a great place to start
  • I want to learn how to arouse my partner better
  • I want to improve my confidence in giving foreplay

For more details of the Couple’s Cuckold Massages, [Click here]

A climax for the first time

Sharon used psychosensual massage, where a therapist stimulates the body, to climax with another person for the first time ever.
Article by Kashimar Gander – from The Independant Newspaper

“I did wonder if orgasms were real,” says Sharon who, aged 48, has never climaxed with a sexual partner. “Were they just something that people talk about? I didn’t know and wasn’t going to ask.”

Like between five to 10 per cent of women, and a smaller number of men, Sharon has anorgasmia – or an inability to orgasm. She believes her condition is caused by the abuse she suffered as a child. “I didn’t trust people. I couldn’t relax as I had to feel like I was in control and that I was safe because I didn’t want history repeating itself,” she tells The Independent. “There was no way for me to relax and give myself the opportunity for the orgasm to happen.”

Anorgasmia is an umbrella term for subsets that include ‘lifelong’, where a person cannot climax at all; and ‘acquired’, when the ability comes and goes. ‘Situational’ anorgasmia depends on partners and stimuli’, and ‘generalised’ denotes being unable to orgasm in any situation or with any partner, according to Mayo Clinic. Causes of the condition can range from diseases including diabetes to multiple sclerosis, gynaecological issues, medication, smoking, drinking and ageing. Psychological triggers can include anxiety, low-self esteem, feelings of guilt, abuse, and the fear of pregnancy and STIs. Cognitive behavioural therapy, sex therapy and medication can be used to treat anorgasmia.

It took Sharon decades to start this process. By the age of 30, it dawned on her that she wasn’t having the same sexual experiences as other people. “It was one of those things where you go through life and eventually pick up on. I didn’t really have much on a idea of what it was all about. Being with a partner and never orgasming…I thought it was just the way things are.”
“I felt embarrassed so I’d fake it. My partners seemed happy so I didn’t want to burst their bubble. I resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn’t orgasm. I didn’t put myself first because I didn’t think I was important because how I saw myself. I thought, at least I’ve had some intimacy.”

Everything changed as she flicked through a magazine at the hairdresser in 2015. She chanced upon article about a psychosensual massage therapist Colin Richards, who runs Intimacy Matters. Treatment generally involves three sessions of counselling and around 90 minutes of intimate massage. Depending on the client’s needs, this can involve stimulation of the breasts, nipples, clitoris, vagina and anus.
But being weighed down with an inability to trust and fear about feeling safe during sex, even sending an email to enquire about the service was too much for Sharon. It wasn’t until she made significant leaps with her mental health that aged 48, she decided to turn her attention to her sexuality.
In July, Sharon made a breakthrough with Colin and achieved an orgasm with another person for the first time in her life.

“It was just ‘wow’. It felt like a huge release” Sharon says of her first orgasm. “I could just feel it running through my body, rather than the feeling that I have to be aware and in control. I felt a big rush of sensation all the way through the body. And my body kind of went off on it’s own. It was tingling. My back was arching and it was making its own movements.
“It was kind of like being able to have an orgasm through masturbation, so I had an idea of what it should feel like. But it was so much more intense and went on for longer. It was awesome.”

“I spent so many years feeling that I would always remain a caterpillar, never progressing onto the next stage. Then I made it to becoming a chrysalis, sadly for many years this is where I thought I would remain. Encased, frozen in a cocoon for eternity, never knowing what else was out there.
“Then out of nowhere I have turned into the most amazing bright, colourful big butterfly. I can now choose where I fly off too, where I land and how long for. I now decide, no longer feeling or allowing myself to be controlled. Pure magic, that’s what it is.”
Sharon says the treatment has made her feel more open and relaxed in her daily life. She hopes this will help her work towards experiencing her first orgasm with a sexual partner.
Her message for anyone considering seeking treatment is to go for it. “I don’t regret a minute of it. It’s amazing once you get there. Believe me.”

Read more about Colins Psycho-Sensual treatments: 

Toys For Men

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Stay healthy and don’t forget to have fun!

Colin Hosts Funzing Talk

m33 funzing

About Funzing

London is one of the most fascinating cities in the world with so many incredible things to see, discover and learn. Sometimes looking for the best things to do in London can be a bit overwhelming. Well, not to worry, Funzing has got you covered. On Funzing, you’ll find so many cool things to do in London, which will save you loads of time and will give you original ideas.

Food Events – If you are looking for the best food events, Funzing is a great place to start. For any foodie out there, you’ll find hundreds of unique things to do in London which doesn’t involve just eating in a restaurant. Funzing has collected the best activities in London for people who are obsessed with food and drink, meaning you’ll find a huge variety of food-related alternative events held all over the city and throughout the year.

Workshops and Classes – If you’re looking to learn something new then workshops and classes are some of the best events to check out. Choose from cooking classes, dancing classes, yoga workshops, and a lot more on Funzing – a great way to have fun and learn new skills.

Colin gives his first Funzing talk

On Thursday 17th August I gave my first Funzing talk. Buried deep in the east end of London in Shoreditch is a fabulous little bar called the Looking Glass Cocktail Club. As you step off the street it immediately feels somewhat edgy, with rustic tables and shabby sofas and on entering I was slightly perplexed as there seemed to be no space for the 45 guests who were booked to attend my talk on The Psychology of Lovemaking. Not to worry since at that moment almost miraculously from behind a large mirror ( looking glass ) appeared Aimee the very friendly co host and representative from Funzing  The 6ft by 3 ft mirror was, in fact, a doorway to another room and of walking in all was revealed. More shabby sofas another bar, and a screen and projector set ready for me to sort my power point!

A great space to give a talk and a very helpful manager of the bar helped me set up my stuff and soon guests began to arrive. An eclectic bunch of people some who had attended Funzing talks before others who were drawn to my subject.  At 7.30pm when the room was full I started and over the next 90 minutes, I attempted to show how the audience how attraction and even the way we have sex can be influenced by our early life experiences.

Check out my Funzing Profile Page

I am now planning more Funzing outings, another evening talk again on the Psychology of Attraction. Dates still to be confirmed but will update here as soon as I know more.

Anorgasmia

Why Can’t I Orgasm?

An article by Intimate Tutorials Creator and Psychosexual Therapist Colin Richards
Email: colin@intimacymatters.co.uk
 – Call: 07966 522 696

Anorgasmia – Persistent inability to achieve orgasm despite responding to sexual stimulation

As a trained psychosexual therapist and 20 years experienced masseur in my role as a sex mentor, I often use a combination of counselling with massage as a treatment to help people with sexual performance challenges. I call this treatment Psychosensual. By combining both talk and touch, I can first find out the psychological drivers that are causing the interference with the sexual fulfilment then I follow this with a specifically designed massage that creates an experience that is as near to the normal sexual arousal cycle as possible but always remains within a therapeutic relationship between the client and myself.  This combined mind and body treatment often has remarkable results with clients sometimes overcoming a sexual performance blockage in just one session. However, a three-session series is what I recommend and this is particularly relevant for clients who experience difficulty with reaching orgasm due to a past trauma or who live with high anxiety or trust issues.

Both men and women come to me with challenges reaching orgasm but it is fair to say that I see more women, with only about 1 in 20 being men. This maybe is because women are more open to deal with personal sexual issues or maybe that their frustration is even greater than men. However, it is likely that women experience orgasm issues more because the sexual response cycle in the female is far more complex than the males and it requires quite a few physiological and psychological elements to come together at the same time for the female to reach the satisfaction of a full vaginal orgasm.

Some women can have clitoral orgasms quite easily but the vaginal orgasm remaining elusive. The more common problem men bring to me is either loss of erection or reaching orgasm too quickly whereas to be fully aroused and then not reach orgasm and ejaculation is as I say the least common occurrence but never the less just as frustrating and humiliating.

Using the curious analogy of mountaineering, men are like climbers tackling Mount Everest, a steady climb upwards to one peak and they go equipped with all the right gear to get there. Women on the other hand when having sex with another person, are like the Mountaineer exploring the whole Alpine mountain range, where to be fully enjoyed one must be aware of the climate, the terrain, the timing, with the valleys and rivers being just as important as climbing the peaks. This means that if a female is having to work to the male sexual agenda, particularly with a male partner who is confident to climb just one mountain then she will likely not reach complete sexual fulfilment.

Not all men and women who have challenges with orgasm find reaching orgasm completely impossible as most will have experienced orgasm at some time, mostly through masturbation. But many say they have difficulty reaching orgasm when with another person. This inability to orgasm when with a partner is called

Secondary Anorgasmia

Secondary Anorgasmia is experienced by men and women but with men, it is loss erection that means no orgasm, however, there are men who can still get erect but with penetrative sex can’t orgasm and then have to masturbate themselves to finish. Therefore it could be said that men with erectile problems can also be regarded as having a form of anorgasmia.

Primary Anorgasmia

Primary Anorgasmia is when a person has never been able to orgasm, even through masturbation. This very unusual with men but occurs more frequently in women.

Physiological Causes

It can be that there is a physiological reason for orgasm to be unattainable so conditions such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis, genital mutilation, total hysterectomy, spinal cord injury, need to be ruled out before seeking emotional or practical help. Drug abuse, excessive alcohol and antidepressants can also inhibit orgasm.

Psychological Causes

In this article, I focus on the most common cause of Anorgasmia which is psychological, when learned survival behaviours from childhood interfere with a person’s natural sexual arousal cycle. Below are six examples of situational anorgasmia that I have worked with. Each example gives a bit of background of the problem, the psychological aspects that are influencing the behaviour and then the treatment I give to help.

 

My body wants to, but my head won’t let go

The conflict between head and body is symptomatic for most men and women who experience secondary anorgasmia. Despite a woman being turned on and fully lubricated and a man getting a full erection, the thought maybe today it will happen can soon be replaced with disappointment and frustration. The sexual encounter initially starts with optimism, with he or she are hopeful that maybe this time orgasm will be reached. As the stimulation heightens and the intensity of the moment builds, gradually the thought of yet another failure emerges in the mind until eventually, they accept it’s not going to happen, and the sexual euphoria is quickly replaced by familiar feelings of frustration, exasperation, exhaustion and resignation the that yet again ‘I can’t cum, ‘ ‘I am different’, I am a failure’ as a woman’, ‘I am a failure as a man’, ‘people think I am weird’ and although one can understand these feelings none are correct.

Situation 1

So what is it that stopping the orgasm?

 

He just can’t seem to hit the right spot (female situational anorgasmia)

A lack of skill or knowledge of the male partner to give the right type and length of foreplay is one of the more common reasons women are unable to reach orgasm during sex. Many women know unconsciously what the problem is but feel reluctant even unqualified to say something to their partner about his lack of skill or bad technique. Many of these women can experience clitoral orgasm during sex when given by their own hands or the partner’s hands and even with oral sex but they then find it difficult to reach orgasm through vaginal penetration. Whether it is hands, penis or a toy if the partner is inexperienced and unskilled or simply unimaginative, then the orgasm often becomes an illusive goal.

Make me feel desired

The underlying primal dynamic of a woman is to feel desired. This dynamic is particularly relevant during sex and if a man is either too timid, inexperienced or is focussed primarily on his own pleasure or is just quick to orgasm himself then the mental stimulation a woman requires to take her to orgasm is just not there.

The treatment strategy
Once I understand the situation, and it becomes apparent that the women have only experienced limited or even one type of male sexual dynamic (usually passive or lack of sexual creativity) my strategy is to create a treatment that from the outset is designed to make her feel desired. The treatment starts with an initial exploratory conversation to identify her domestic situation and her experience so far with sex. Often restricting cultural and religious influences can become apparent. Or a childhood where she felt marginalised and criticised even unloved particularly by the male primary carer.  Following this conversation and once she is feeling at ease, I start the massage treatment with firm confident traditional massage strokes of her upper body. As she relaxes the strokes become longer and more explorative with the intention to excite and stimulate both her body and mind. Her responses guide me, and as her body reacts to this new form of stimulation, so the treatment can become more assertive and intentionally arousing. If this stronger approach is received well, usually indicated by her expressing verbal and physical responses, then I know that this assertive, confident approach is what has been missing from the mental stimulation. From this point on I follow my intuition and continue to be guided by her reactions. I sometimes will bring in body weight to stimulate her primal sexual urges. One technique is to put firm pressure to her groin and pelvic floor by slipping my arm between her legs and lifting her body and leaning in to her with my shoulder thus putting to pressure on her groin and pelvic floor. If this also produces a positive response and I sense that she is letting go and moving into her natural primal sexual state, then direct stimulation of the clitoris and internal vaginal stimulation with hands can follow. The clitoral and vaginal stimulation can be given as light touch be more aggressive and id she  is fully relaxed and aroused and most importantly in a trusting state of mind I will continue to give deep firm penetration of the vagina to simulate penetrative sex (with fingers) This is given not so much as a backwards forward motion but more given as an internal massage style to massage the internal walls of the whole vagina wall reaching the G-spot at the upper front and A-spot at the far internal end of the vagina. Often at this point orgasm is reached, sometimes the first of a few as this method can bring on multiple orgasms and is some cases ejaculation.

 

Situation 2

She must cum first

This is a comment I often hear from men who find it difficult to orgasm and ejaculate through penetrative sex. For a man to reach orgasm, he first has to become fully aroused. He needs to be mentally stimulated and free of anxiety. The fit between penis and vagina needs to be snug, and he needs to feel entitled to enjoy mutual pleasure.

Men who can’t orgasm are usually men who are mostly other person focussed rather than self-focused, they are men who when young may have spent much time around an emotionally needy or anxious mother or primary female carer. They can be men who have the tendency to feel self-critical or have an underlying lack of self-worth particularly when around women, making them over-vigilant, holding themselves responsible for getting everything right. If this type of man feels he is not achieving or he senses disapproval or dissatisfaction from his partner, this can result in an inability to reach orgasm certainly with penetrative sex and he may revert to masturbation to finish himself off. If masturbation in front of his partner does not bring him to orgasm, then he may resort to masturbating when he is on his own away from distractions.

The treatment strategy
Before any physical treatment can be given it is important to explore the emotional influences that are driving his need to please. The natural primal dynamic of the male is to seek approval. Excessive focus on achievement at work, sport, his appearance, even the type car he drives can be evidence of a heightened need for approval. How he performs sexually is no different, and for some men, the need to get it right can be so strong that it becomes hard for them to relax and enjoy the moment for himself.

A preliminary fact finding conversation to look at any childhood behaviours particularly his behaviour around primary female carers will start the session.  His tendency to be hyper vigilant to the female dynamic may well have started from an extremely early age.  When older this unconscious dynamic can manifest with female partners and a fear of disapproval or not judging himself to be a good enough lover will increase his anxiety. Orgasm is a moment of complete abandonment and trust, so feeling anxiety will trigger his fight and flight responses, and this will usually result in either an inability to orgasm or loss of erection.

By looking at his early childhood it will help him become aware from where these unconscious fears originate and to see how they now unconsciously appear in his day to day life within work, with friends and lovers. The aim is to start a change of his behaviour, particularly where sex is concerned to show him that given the intimate situation these unconscious feelings are now are inappropriate fears that originated in his child mind but are now being applied out of context. To enhance his self-worth I  teach him to become a more skilled and confident lover and encourage him to reveal his primal assertive side. I encourage him to take the initiative to become a more adventurous sexually creative lover. Once he has adopted this approach, he will see his partner respond positively and this obvious approval will soon arouse him often to the point that he will naturally reach orgasm.

To enhance his self-worth I teach him to become a more skilled and confident lover and encourage him to reveal his primal assertive male. By including either his female partner of if he is single female volunteers into the session the sexual situation can be replicated but contained within a therapeutic supportive environment. By teaching him more about female arousal and how to confidently explore the female body I encourage him to take the initiative to become a more adventurous sexually creative lover. Once he has adopted this approach and sees his partner respond positively and with obvious approval, this will relax him to the point he becomes aroused and orgasm should naturally occur.

 

Situation 3

If I loose control and let myself orgasm something terrible might happen

I often hear women say that they can’t orgasm because they have control issues and that when having sex they are unable to let go and relax. Rather than seeing it as a need to control I feel it is more a trust issue in that to let go when with another person one must feel trusting towards that person and the situation they are both in. Lack of trust is a common factor in women who have experienced trauma or a lack of security when young. The effect of this is to create a behaviour strategy that ensures she remains in control. Talking, directing, fidgeting during sex are the classic indications of an inability to let go. This does not mean that these people are necessarily controlling people but more about remaining in control of the situation. The unconscious thought being ‘If I am in control then I am safe, and if others around me are happy and non-threatening then I am safe’. By not trusting the person and the event the need to be constantly aware and alert will often cause the orgasm to be withheld.

The treatment strategy
It is clear that anxiety during sex plays a large part in withholding pleasure. What differentiates each situation is the motive for the anxiety. For a person who is reluctant to trust others the best way to help them overcome the fear is to equip them with a genuine sense of safety and security. By talking through and identifying the basis of their trust issues one can then create a treatment that comforts this. For the person who may have experienced trauma, it is important to reassure them that they are in a safe, caring place. For the women who feels obligated to make sure everyone else is happy than giving them permission to not be in charge and to be self-focused and self-caring will help them let go of their need to be responsible.

Once the treatment starts the sensation of soothing hands on the body immediately helps relax and calm. The hormones that are released when we are touched play a large part in this, but by incorporating supportive holding even hugging movements, they will relax even quicker. Once the body begins to relax, and the tension dissipates I bring intimate touch with the intent to arouse. This treatment should always remain close and caring. The actual erotic arousal also needs to be given cautiously since any feeling of discomfort can cause an adverse reaction. Orgasm may not always happen the first time, but usually, after a series of sessions, the orgasm will be achieved.

 

Situation 4

There is so much to think about, how can I hope to focus on orgasm

Busy life, always active, run run run, no time for me because I have lots to do!

Often these types are career persons, always on the go. Why, because it’s a distraction. How can one enjoy sex if one is always busy? Similar to the ‘Giver’ type being both mentally and physically frantic is a sure way to hinder receiving pleasure. To be goal driven may appear to be about the seeking achievement but the strive for achievement is the underlying habitual behaviour. The child who has to work hard at school or the sportsman who must, on all accounts win, spends far more time attempting to reach his goal rather than winning the prize. Sex and orgasm are just another platform for them to play out this behaviour and the actual orgasm remains the elusive prize never to be won but always strived for.

Treatment strategy
Recently, I gave a session to female client aged 38. She had never experienced an orgasm of any sort, not even through masturbation, a classic case of primary anorgasmia. Her frustration was palpable, and it was clear that she was at the point of resignation believing that her body was simply not wired to achieve orgasm. During the initial discussion, she revealed that although she grew up in the UK one of her parents originated from a culture that believed high academic achievement was essential and she being the eldest child of three she felt this pressure even more strongly. From as early as she could remember the need to work harder consistently, a mantra her mother instilled in her almost from birth. But no matter how well she did it never seemed enough and there was always another level to reach for.

It is no surprise that for this client achieving orgasm had become interwoven into her paycheque that achievement was not possible. Her brain had become so used to always struggling to achieve so to allow the orgasm to come through was an anathema.

To circumnavigate this repetitive dynamic, I assured her that orgasm was not the expected outcome of the treatment and that she should just enjoy the massage and the sensation of arousal and to let go of the need to try harder. By taking my time and by incorporating elements that took her mind and body to an unfamiliar place of relaxation she was able to focus on herself. As she became more aroused, the erotic stimulation took her quickly to a higher level of pleasure and soon the part of her that had remained suppressed for so long broke though. She then went on to not only experience her first orgasm but to her complete surprise also experienced a full body orgasm.

Below is a testimonial that was given two days after the treatment by the client mentioned in the previous paragraph.

I fully appreciated the time you took to find out the history and reasons why l might have had problems achieving orgasms. It was an eye opener and I was impressed with your subject knowledge. Although l was nervous, to begin with the glass of wine helped! I knew l could totally trust you and knew that l was in your expert hands. I was blown away by the whole experience and for me the icing on the cake achieving that elusive orgasm! It has changed my perception and l am very happy about the experience. I can absolutely recommend you to others and once again a big thank you!

 

Situation 5

She doesn’t seem to like what I am doing

As hunter-gatherers, we shared everything including sexual partners. Not because we were sexually indulgent but because the more sex had, the more chance the species survived. Females would instigate sex by displaying their desire to attract as many males as possible. Harvesting sperm to ensure the best biological match may seem to the modern code of morality a bit carnal, but as an assurance to achieve healthy plentiful offspring it is a very sensible strategy. The primal dynamic of the human male is to be approved of. Whether it’s the size of his bank account, his biceps, his brain or his penis, approval is essential to ensure his genetic survival since deep in his psyche – with its origins reaching back to the beginning of time itself – lack of approval equals rejection. Rejection by the female means no sex and no sex means his genetic line ends.

So men need approval to be turned on, whether it is approval of performance or a sensitive, intimate touch or a wild scream of ecstasy as he makes love to women, any sign that she gives that indicates he is doing a good job will arouse him even more. Conversely, no approval implies no selection and therefore potential rejection. So a man who believes that his female partner is not enjoying herself will feel anxious and concerned, and orgasm will be a challenge to reach.

Treatment strategy
I teach this guy skills and knowledge that will always have her screaming in delight.

 

Situation 6

Good girls like me shouldn’t do this

Men and women who have grown up in either a culturally restricted society or in strongly moralistic or pious environment where sex, in general, is seen as only as procreative often say that when having sex they often feel guilt, shame, dishonour, remorse, embarrassment and that to enjoy sex is the quickest route to hell and damnation.

An acclaimed male porn actor once told me that even after 15 years in the business, even when masturbating by himself he still felt pangs of guilt. No surprise that his Scottish Presbyterian mother had indoctrinated her young son to believe that sex was not to be enjoyed but endured by women and that men who enjoyed sex were selfish and demanding.

The anxiety felt of doing wrong in the name of the clan, religion or culture will always effect the ability to reach orgasm. Recent studies into multi-orgasmic women (women who orgasm multiple times within a short period) 80% of these women surveyed had shunned strong religious backgrounds. That they had then become multi-orgasmic was due to their now higher natural levels of oxytocin in the body before and during sex. Conversely, women who felt in a conflict between their beliefs and the natural sexual desire had a far lower level of oxytocin in the system before and during sex.

Treatment strategy
Success in helping people who experience a lack of orgasm due to guilt and shame can vary greatly and much depends on how far they have let go of theses confining thoughts. When seeing these clients discretion and security is paramount as often they remain obligated to their situation and fear being found out. The actual treatment starts gently as this allows them to relax into the situation but often, like a genie immerging from a bottle the suppressed sexual energy is released, sometimes quite explosively. Orgasm may not be the immediate result but just being allowed to express their natural sexual needs can be life changing

If you are experiencing challenges reaching orgasm and you identify with any of the above examples or if you have another situation, feel free to call or email Colin to talk through in confidence your needs. Colin will then tell you if he feels he may be able to help or will point you in the direction of another specialist who can.

 

6 things you should know about orgasm denial

 

Colin featured in this Cosmopolitan article about female orgasm denial

Click here to read the full article 

Not gonna lie, ‘female orgasm denial’ sound like three pretty scary words. But really, it’s just a fancy and roundabout way of saying ‘intense, built-up orgasms that feel incredible’. Also known by some people as ‘edging’, it is, essentially, being brought to the point of climax before stopping, and building it back up again. You can do it yourself during masturbation, or get your partner to control your pleasure.

1. What it is
The act of taking a woman to near orgasm over and over again. And is nowhere near as scary as it sounds. Oh, and by the time you finally get that release, it feels uh-mazing.

2. How it works
The female sexual response cycle is made up of four stages: excitement, plateau, orgasm, resolution. In the excitement stage, a woman’s muscle tension increases, her heart rate quickens, and her breathing is accelerated. Nipples become erect and blood flow to the genitals increases as vaginal lubrication begins.
Female orgasm denial usually starts in the excitement stage, with some form of light restraint (we’re talking cuffs or a soft rope) causing you to feel beholden to the administrator’s techniques, while feeling your arousal develop.

3. How to start
When you reach the plateau stage, the fun can begin. Your vagina will be fully lubricated and your clitoris hypersensitive. You’ll naturally feel less need to control yourself as the oxytocin floods your body.

The plateau stage will now be in your partner’s control. It can be intensified by the use of a vibrator, taking you right to the edge of orgasm but never quite allowing you the release. You’ll probably feel a confused mix of anticipation, excitement, fear and pleasure (in the best way).

4. Pain and pleasure
Did you know that love, sex, pain and violence all have the potential to stimulate the release of similar chemicals and hormones in the body? When you are aroused and prepared, stress and pain can stimulate the serotonin and melatonin production in the brain, which transforms what could otherwise be painful experiences into pleasurable ones. This could be harder sex, a smack on the bum, or more intense BDSM techniques, and of course, communication before, during and after is key. Combined with the oxytocin caused by the sexual stimulation, the release of epinephrine and norepinephrine in pain can also cause a pleasurable ‘rush’. This means some women experience a double high.

5. Why it can feel great
Without the uniform or environment of traditional BDSM (whips, canes, the usual), female orgasm denial uses a similar dynamic but in a much less daunting way. Many women who enjoy it are into ‘vanilla sex’ but just love the added ingredient of having their pleasure controlled. And obviously, it builds up your orgasm so that when you finally do get it, it is more intense than you could imagine.

6. It’s like a sexy game of pass the parcel (yes, really)
Remember playing pass the parcel when you were a kid? Remember your excited anticipation when the music stopped? And how it felt to tear another layer of paper off? But damn it, no matter how much you wanted to win, the person controlling the music always ultimately held the control? It was only them who could give you the ultimate pleasure of winning.

When Johnny won’t play

Article written by Colin Richards
Psycho-Sensual Masseur & Sex Therapist at: www.intimacymatters.co.uk

So you caught their eye as you entered the room, instant chemistry flows causing a stirring below. Two hours later, hands have brushed thighs, cheeky stories have been shared, bums have been touched but just as the excited anticipation of the next few hours has crossed your mind so has the apprehension that ‘Mr Unpredictable’ may misbehave yet again and later, true to form, your temperamental friend once more seems to have a mind of his own and lets you down.

Does this sound familiar?

If so then you have experienced what most men at sometime in their sensual encounters have also experienced, what is known as Situational Erectile Dysfunction? God forbid that you have a problem, of course not you tell yourself that it was the extra pint you had and yet just when you wanted things to go to plan, they didn’t and frustration and embarrassment ruled the day.

Properly called Situational Erectile Dysfunction it affects many men over the age of 35 and those in high stress work environments, additionally the myth that SED mainly affects older and busy men is simply not the case as guys as young as 20 who also find at times that Mr Temperamental just won’t behave the way they want him to.

What is Situational Erectile Dysfunction?
Not getting or not maintaining an erection can fall in to 5 main categories, some will be driven by physiological causes others by psychological some by a combination of both. They are:

Primary:
When the man has never been able to achieve an erection. This represents approximately 10% of cases of erectile dysfunction.

Secondary:
When the man has had erections in the past, but can no longer achieve or maintain an erection. This traditionally has been viewed as the most common type of erectile dysfunction.

Situational:
Much more common than research reveals, when the man can only achieve an erection in particular situation or with a particular person. For example, he is able to achieve an erection with an extramarital partner, but not his usual partner, or vice-versa. One of the most common scenarios for situational erectile dysfunction is the first time a man tries to have sexual intercourse with someone new.

Total:
When the lack of erection is complete.

Partial:
When there is a degree of erection, but it insufficient to allow sexual intercourse For many men, the image of self is inevitably linked to a perception of masculinity which in turn involves functioning and performing well sexually. – A result of either physiological or psychological influences or often both. Generally, unless the sufferer is experiencing blood pressure problems or is taking some form of blood pressure medication or has heart problems or has general ill health then the cause of SED will be mostly psychological and not pathological. It will probably be the body’s natural fight or flight mechanism (autonomic nervous system) reacting to a perceived fear signal that is causing the body to alternate from its rest & relax mode (Para Sympathetic) to its fight & flight mode (Sympathetic) when certain blood vessels and muscles and bodily characteristics alter their behaviour making a full erection impossible. Quite simply nature has not designed men to “hunt & fuck” at the same time and things can go wrong at any point of the 3 stages of producing and maintaining an erection.

First Stage:
Sexual arousal, getting sexually stimulated from our thoughts and senses.

Second Stage:
The brain communicates the sexual arousal to the body which increases the blood flow to the penis.

Third Stage:
Blood vessels that supply the penis relax allowing an increased blood supply to flow into the shafts that produce the erection.

Psychologial vs Physiological
Physiological causes can be due to a variety of conditions such as: Cardiovascular diseases, Diabetes, Disease of the Nervous System, Aging, Medications, Smoking, Alcoholism, and Hormone Imbalance and can be treated with medical support. However in most cases the condition can also be influenced by Psychological processes and in many cases be the prime reason for intermittent erectile dysfunction. Generally if involuntary erection occurs during the night or on waking in the morning but does not occur or is lost during conscious sex (with another or even during masturbation) then other emotional based influences will be the source. These emotional influences generally fall in to the following two areas, performance and acceptance and if there is any worry around either of these two agendas then this will quickly convert in to a feeling of fear around rejection or abandonment which in turn switches on the primal survival mechanisms of the fight or flight reaction causing the autonomic nervous system to move from the para sympathetic mode that is needed to for arousal to take place to the sympathetic mode of fight or flee.

Early Childhood Influences – Upside down triangle
Often the way a man feels he should perform sexually will be connected to his early childhood psychological development. If he grew up in an environment where he was conditioned to be an achiever and to do well then good performance is essential to his sense of self worth on the other hand if he was taught to be a good boy and not disappoint others then his need to please his partner sexually will be paramount to him feeling relaxed. If one views this like an upside down triangle, sitting on its point, the flat top is the area of his general behavioural platform, sexual performance a major part of this and the point of the triangle, at the bottom represents the primary driver that is influencing this behaviour. Between these points there are often many layers of thought and behaviour that taking place both consciously and unconsciously gradually switching the brain from the rest & relaxed mode (para sympathetic) to fight or flight (sympathetic) and consequent loss of erection. For example;

Conscious
Thought 1 – “I really like this person and want to have sex with them”
Thought 2 – “I am worried about losing my erection”
Thought 3 – “If I lose my erection they will think I don’t like them “
Thought 4 – “If they think I don’t like them then they will not like me”

Unconscious Thoughts
Thought 5 – “If they don’t like me then I am not good enough”
Thought 6 – “If I am not good enough then I will be rejected”
Thought 7 – “If I am rejected I will be abandoned and will be vulnerable”
Thought 8 – “I may die”

How Can a Sensual Massage Help?
The private space of a comfortable massage room and the friendly welcoming openness of a competent masseur can create a supportive caring environment where any focus on performance is removed and where the receiver can concentrate on what he is feeling rather than what he is doing. As the massage unfolds the body slowly becomes relaxed, with the sensual strokes of the massage encouraging arousal to take place causing the body to respond and moving deeper in to the para sympathetic mode. As anxiety levels fall and the body becomes rested this attention on “self” encourages an erection to occur. As the receiver feels the erection grow, his confidence builds and so the body goes deeper in to the relaxed state and the erection responds by getting even firmer causing a positive spiral rather than the traditional negative spiral of anxiety/erection loss/ further anxiety/complete loss of erection.

Throughout the massage the masseur should incorporate certain movements that may intentionally challenge the receivers comfort zones and mildly raise anxiety thus affecting the level of erection. By observing and reading these minute changes of the receivers dynamic, the masseur can begin to understand the possible psychological triggers that may be causing the arousal switch to flick on and off, giving an indication as to the under laying fear that is influencing the arousal process. Also with the attention on himself the receiver is able to be more self aware of the influences and intensity of the erection.

Even if he still does not always able to“get it up” with this better understanding of how he works a man can explain to his partner that it’s because he is so attracted to them that he can’t get a hard on rather than being a signal that he not attracted at all. Changing the thought process and communicating this to the partner will greatly lessen the possibility of SED taking place. For Example;

Better Conscious Thoughts & Actions
Thought 1 – “I really like this person and want to have sex with them”
Thought 2 – “But I am worried about losing my erection”
Thought and action 3 – “I will tell them that I like them and that I am worried about losing my erection ”
Thought and action 4 – “I will be honest and tell them that if I lose my erection it is because I am a little nervous and I want them to have a good time”

Better Unconscious Thoughts
Thought 5 – “Now, If I don’t get an erection they will understand that it’s not because that I don’t like them”
Thought 6 – “Now that they understand that I if lose my erection it is not because I don’t like them, they will continue to like me”
Thought 7 – If I am honest about my fears then they will understand my behavior and not judge me
Thought 8 – “If they don’t judge me I will feel accepted”
Thought 9 – “If I am accepted then I am safe”
Thought 10 – “ If I am safe I will be relaxed and my body will allow me to become aroused

Paradoxically, Thought 10 shows that this shared openness and honesty should help him to feel calm and then he will probably get an erection anyway.

Article written by Colin Richards
Psycho-Sensual Masseur & Sex Therapist at: www.intimacymatters.co.uk

The Bathmate Hydromax

Female Orgasm Denial

Colin Richards is a relationship and sex mentor who is committed to teaching people how to achieve sensual intimacy, better communication and erotic fulfilment.

Erotic sexual denial, also known as orgasm denial, is a sexual practice or sex play in which a person is kept in a heightened state of sexual arousal for an extended length of time without orgasm, and is commonly practiced in association with BDSM and sexual bondage. Erotic sexual denial can be another name for or variant of orgasm control.

Edging is the common term used for orgasm control in men where masturbation is used as the method to edge the man to near orgasm biut withhold from ejaculation. The team popularly used for the women is Female Orgasm Denial 
 
Female Orgasm Denial (FOD) is a method of subjugation of the female by both psychological and physiological control over the recipient’s desire/need to experience orgasm. It can be administered (I use this word purposely since it is given in a more clinical manner rather than a sensual way) by either a male or female administrator but usually by a male. 
 
The act of taking a female to near orgasm over and over again serves as an alternative to more traditional BDSM techniques to subjugate rather than dominate the female.
 
The female sexual response cycle is made up of four stages. Excitement, Plateau, Orgasm, Resolution. In the excitement stage, the female body undergoes physiological changes. Muscle tension increases, heart rate quickens, and breathing is accelerated. The skin may become flushed; Nipples become hardened or erect. Blood flow to the genitals increases and vaginal lubrication begins. When practising FOD, the subjugation usually starts in the excitement stage with some form of light restraint causing the female recipient to feel beholden to the administrator’s techniques while feeling her arousal develop. 

But it is when she reaches the Plateau stage that the orgasm denial begins. Her vagina is now fully lubricated and her clitoris hypersensitive, her heartbeat increases and involuntary muscle spasms occur, and she will naturally feel less and less need to control herself as the oxytocin floods her body. With FOD techniques brought in at this stage, her emotions will become a confused mix of anticipation, excitement, fear and pleasure. The Plateau stage no longer becomes her prerogative but is now within the subjugator’s control and also intensified by the use of a vibrator and other toys and skills, taking her to the edge or orgasm but never quite allowing her the release. This denial of orgasm acts as both a physical and emotional subjugation and is experienced as a combination of pain and pleasure.
 
The relationship between pain and pleasure in female sexuality is as profound as it is complex. In fact, love, sex, pain and violence all stimulate the release of similar chemicals and hormones in the human body. Endorphins that are released in painful experiences are often perceived as pleasurable. Stress and pain can also stimulate the serotonin and melatonin production in the brain, which transforms painful experiences into pleasure. Combined with the oxytocin caused by the sexual stimulation the release of epinephrine and norepinephrine in pain can also cause a pleasurable ‘rush’. The result for some can be a double high.
 
Why it works?
 
Essentially FOD creates a similar dynamic as being a submissive for a dominant, but it is without the uniform or environment of traditional BDSM, i.e., whips, canes. So it may be that women who enjoy FOD are less likely to take part in Kink or S&M but prefer more ‘vanilla sex’ but with the added ingredient of having their ultimate pleasure controlled.
 
To understand, the pleasure of FOD remember playing pass the parcel when you were a kid.  When the present is wrapped up in layer upon layer of bright wrapping paper and it is passed around the circle as the music plays. Remember your excited anticipation when the music stopped and the exuberance of tearing another layer of paper off. But damn it no matter how much you wanted to win, the music man had the final control. It was only he who could give you the ultimate pleasure of….. Orgasm whoops, I mean winning.

To find out more about Colin Richards, visit: www.intimacymatters.co.uk

Foreplay is Fun