(Article by Tom Halford for Pink News featuring comments by IT founder Colin Richards)
There is a lot of stigma – unfairly – around polyamory.
A polyamorous relationship simply means that individuals in the relationship are able to have multiple sexual or romantic partners at once.
But according to societal norms, monogamous relationships are the only acceptable kind.
That idea, however, is breaking down as open relationships become increasingly popular – and hopefully more accepted.
After all, there’s nothing wrong with consenting adults agreeing to be in a relationship.
And according to Colin Richards, a sex engineer and relationship therapist, “human beings are not designed to be sexually monogamous.”
He explained that “we may be able to be socially and emotionally monogamous,” but this was not a product of nature.
Instead, monogamy came about because we went from being hunters and gatherers to being territorial and agricultural, Richards said.
Before that, humans would share living space and sexual partners.
When people learned to grow crops, they had to stop being nomadic and team up with their offspring, he continued.
Since they would have no idea who their offspring were, due to having multiple partners, they stopped the females from having sex with other males to ensure the male would know who his offspring was.
We have, of course, moved on since then.
But proposing the idea of opening up your relationship can be intimidating.
There are a number of factors you should consider when discussing the possibility of opening up your relationship.
Honesty is key
Open communication is essential when discussing with your partner the idea of opening up your relationship, according to sex and relationships writer Sophie Blackman.
“If you don’t have honesty or trust, you are not going to be able to deal with a polyamorous relationship,” she added.
“Honesty is incredibly important because you’re inviting other people into your relationship and this means STIs can be brought into your relationship.”
After several failed monogamous relationships due to cheating on both sides, Adam (not his real name) started a polyamorous relationship with his current partner.
He said there were numerous benefits.
“It took away the fear of cheating and made us stronger and opened up the communication hugely because neither of us had to hide anything.”
What do you want to get out of it?
Do you just want to be able to kiss people on nights out? Have threesomes? Go to swinging parties? Be able to date other people?
Whatever it is you want, it is important to discuss this with your partner.
This may change, and that’s okay as long as you’re upfront and honest about it.
Richards said: “You have to set rules and boundaries with your partner that you are both comfortable with.
“Communication is vital to come up with a renegotiation of this relationship that works for both parties.”
If you and your partner are becoming involved in other sexual activity, you are naturally opening yourself up to more risk of contracting STIs or pregnancy.
Naturally, you should both consider taking precautions to protect yourselves.
Richards said that if you are having sex with other people, you should make sure everyone is protecting themselves and that you and your partner should go to your local clinic every 3 months to get tested.
Reassure your partner
When you bring up the subject with your partner, they could become insecure that you’re going to leave them, or that you don’t love them.
It is important that you don’t pressure them into doing something they’re not comfortable with.
You should respect them and give them the time and space to think about it.
If you explain why you’re interested in opening the relationship, they might relate and possibly agree. Just tell them what you’re feeling.
We spoke to Mike (not his real name), who has been in a gay monogamous relationship for several years and has recently brought up the subject of polyamory with his partner.
He said: “I wanted to open up the relationship, and while my partner had been curious about it and even suggested it in the past, this time he wasn’t feeling secure or loved enough, and said it felt like an ultimatum.”
Richards suggests that you should reassure your partner that you love them, and explain that the more freedom they give you to live the life you want, the closer you will be.
He added: “Once your partner gets that security, his anxiety and fears about losing his partner will lessen and before you know it he will be involved with other people as well.”
Here is an article on Colin’s work with women and published in Cosmopolitan Magazine December 15th 2017
Click HERE to read the original article
Why these 4 women pay a stranger for orgasmic massages
“It’s not sleazy or weird.”
By Paisley Gilmour
Dec 15, 2017
Massages are great and I think you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who didn’t agree. But when it comes it intimate massages, it’s rare for people to publicly sing their praises. It seems there’s a bit of a misconception that the world of orgasmic massages is kind of seedy.
While I’m sure some are less than legit, Colin Richards runs the reputable and highly recommended Intimacy Matters. He’s a trained relationship and sex therapist and masseur and specialises in sensual and psycho-sensual massages for women, men and couples. Women visit him for a number of reasons, from wanting better orgasms to needing help overcoming sexual trauma. While his massages more often than not end in the recipient climaxing, many experience multiple orgasms and female ejaculation.
Here, four women explain the very different reasons why they have orgasmic massages.
“My friend with benefits wasn’t satisfying me”
Jennifer*, 34, a doctor, says,
“I had a friend with benefits who used to rush things a little bit and wouldn’t take as much time as I wanted him to in achieving my orgasm. So I wanted to be pampered a bit and one of my fantasies was having a back massage and then making it more intimate. My FWB would be like, ‘I find the massage boring can we just do the intimate bit?’ He just didn’t put in the time and effort I desired. So I researched Colin and asked him lots of questions before going for the ‘Sensual Massage’ [90 minutes for £185] in November 2015.
He started off with my back and neck and shoulders, then went down to my hips and obviously near my bottom. Then nearer and nearer the bottom and in between the legs. I was quite turned on and he brought me to orgasm with his fingers while I was on my front. Then he let me recover a bit, then turned me on my back and started doing different massage moves. He brought me to orgasm twice using his fingers again while I was on my back. I can’t remember which were vaginal, clitoral or combined but I do remember having a few orgasms.
What I learned
It’s not at all sleazy or weird. Pleasure is the main thing I got out of it and the best bit is you don’t have to do anything to him, it’s all about you so it’s a very sensuous experience. He’s totally focused on you – it’s quite selfish and gratifying.”
“Traumatic events had screwed my mind up about sex”
Holly*, 27, a psychology student, says,
“I’d dome some work in the Middle East at a very hostile time and saw things that were quite traumatic. Some of those were sexual and because I can speak Hebrew and Arabic, I was translating some pretty horrific stuff, too. In my mind I was like, ‘sex is not good because I’ve seen all this awful stuff’. It basically just screwed my mind up.
I also have a disability that I won’t go into, but I always saw it as a bad thing and was really down on myself. I didn’t feel that attractive to anybody and I wasn’t very confident. It got to the point where I literally couldn’t even sit in the same room as a guy without freaking out.
“How I enjoyed sex again after being abused”
I’d tried normal counselling and CBT, but for me, I need affirmation through touch and I wasn’t getting that. I knew I needed a different approach. My belief system has also taught me not to have sex before marriage and that if you have any sexual desire, it’s wrong. But I couldn’t deny I was having sexual desires.
I booked in for the ‘Psycho-sensual Massage Treatment’ [£300 for three hours]. He does a counselling part of it and then body work as well. For the first 90 minutes we talked through things. Because it was a new experience I was honestly so nervous I was sat on the floor in a ball. It took even an hour for Colin to be able to touch my shoulder and arms. At the start I went almost every two weeks, sometimes every week at the beginning. Now, I do a lot of Skype with him [for the talking therapy] and go and see him once a month.
What I learned
The massage is really good and really enjoyable, but having someone who can explain why you do things and feel a certain way makes it great. I feel totally more confident since seeing him. I never would have gone on dates before, but now I do. Through him, I realise my disability isn’t such a bad thing. I never realised what good qualities I had before this.”
“My one night stands were sexually lacking”
Megan*, 22, a student, says,
“I was at a party when I met a girl who told me about Colin and what he did, which I thought sounded really great. She said he was looking for volunteer receivers for a sensual massage workshop and I decided to do it. During the session, I lay on a massage bed while male members of the group took it in turns to practice massaging me.
It didn’t feel in any way uncomfortable, even when the second half became more sexual. I was quite amazed when I orgasmed. I’m quite open minded sexually and always up for experimenting with men and women. I’m single and find myself getting caught in a cycle of having one night stands. They’re fun and I enjoy them, but there’s something sexually lacking – the freedom to explore your sexuality with someone you can trust.
“I’d never really had that all over euphoric feeling before.”
As part of the deal of being a volunteer, I got to go back and have a one-on-one massage. Colin just knew exactly what to do and was very good at picking up (involuntary) signals from my body. He’s very receptive, not like with guys you’re dating where you have to verbally say, ‘this is what I want you to do’. Internal stimulation was involved but it wasn’t the main event and such a tiny part of it.
What I learned
Reaching orgasm has never really been an issue for me, but this was very different. It felt like a full-body experience and I’d never really had that all over euphoric feeling before. There’s not often the freedom to explore what you really want sexually as a single woman without facing some kind of stigma or shame. So it’s nice to be able to explore elements of your sexuality.”
“I wanted to learn what my body’s really capable of”
Anna*, 38, a marketing consultant, says,
“I’m bisexual and have been happily married to a man for 10 years. I met Colin at a sex party he was hosting where I had an encounter with a woman. She did this thing that made me squirt. It was fucking amazing and she did it again and again and then taught my husband how to do it to me. That’s when I thought, ‘right, there’s untapped potential here’. I then decided to have the ‘Absolute Erotic Massage’ [a 105-minute full-body sensual massage costing £225] in September this year
I got onto the table naked and he started out by doing a normal Swedish-style massage on my neck and back. It was really nice and relaxing. He’d occasionally go to hold my hand briefly and I could squeeze to let him know I was ok. It’s such a vulnerable position to be putting yourself in, so that way of communicating made me feel safe and comfortable.
Then he started being more intimate with the massage – including clitoral and internal vaginal massaging which I’d requested. I’d asked him not to do anal. He’d slowly ramp it up so I thought I was about to come, and then slow it down before starting again. I completely zoned out and was swept away by the physical pleasure. I thought I’d had around four orgasms and that included squirting again. But he said it was six, which was kind of insane. I’ve never done that before.
Afterwards, I felt so energised and went home that evening and had really good sex with my husband. He’d been very supportive and now we’re talking about doing a couples massage.
What I learned
My body is capable of more than I thought it was, like my sexual stamina and the ability to keep having orgasms. I wish more people were open to it. Women’s sexuality has been so repressed for so long in society and culturally that it’s really important to turn that around.”
If you cant make it to the UK to join a workshop to learn in real time then the next best thing is to practice with your partner or friend and take on of the IT tutorials – click here to register now
Let’s start with the obvious: safety. Even at the most mundane of times, showers can be accident prone places. Add to this the obviously wet and soapy environment curious positions, distracted attention and orgasmic highs the potential for a slipped disc or bruised bottom are considerable. It is vital that before embarking on any aqua adventure in the shower, precautions must be taken. So as not to ruin the spontaneity of the moment it is sensible to get the safety features in place beforehand.
A non-slip shower matt is essential. Something firm to grip on for leverage for both him and her, so install some solid handrails (not suction or plastic as these liable to snap or fall off mid thrust). Make sure you have plenty of space, the modern walk-in integrated showers are best rather than the shower enclosures, and if it’s a one-person shower you may need to reserve the more intense activity for the bathroom floor and just keep the shower for the foreplay.
Don’t Use Condoms…
Another important safety note: condoms aren’t reliable in the shower. They are prone to slipping off more easily and can degrade during contact with the water. So make sure you have a second mode of pregnancy and/or STI prevention.
…But Do Use Lube
Water may appear to be a handy lubricant, but actually, it dries up natural vaginal lubrication and can make penetration uncomfortable. Whether vaginal or anal penetration is involved in your shower sexercises, you are going to need additional lubrication even if you don’t use it normally.
Soap or shower gel is not an advisable alternative as it may irritate and cause discomfort due to the perfumes and chemicals some soaps include.
Water-based lubes will wash away, so make sure your lube is silicone-based. It can withstand contact with water for a pretty long time. Just don’t forget to wash it off with soap afterwards, and keep in mind that silicone lubes can ruin silicone sex toys.
Dependent on size, by that I mean shower size you are probably going to be limited in the variety of positions available to you. If you’re having any sort of penetrative sex, it is best to be standing up, both facing in the same direction. The partner being penetrated can place their hands against the wall (not the shower door as it may fly open) for leverage. The person doing the penetrating can also push against the wall or can hold on to one of the handles. It’s best not to use your partner for leverage since if one of you slips you are likely both come crashing down and it won’t be screams or pleasure, you’ll be making.
If heterosexual coupling then the guy may be taller than the girl, if gay or lesbian then height discrepancy may not be a factor. Never the less the temptation to stand on something to aid access to penetration is not a good idea. Have the shorter person stand more upright and the taller widen their stance or squat a bit.
Now that we have got the more practical stuff out the way here are some suitable and some imaginative positions for great shower sex.
The Back Scrub
A variation on the traditional doggy style with the receiver facing forwards and the giver behind penetration vaginally or anally can be accompanied by the scrubbing of the back with a loofa or shower brush. Ther combination of sensations will heighten the experience rather than distract.
Romance under the waterfall
Quite a simple and safe option is the Waterfall when both face one another, and if heights are comparable, then the guy penetrates face forward. If the receiver is shorter, then they may have to be lifted and held up with their legs wrapped around the giver. In either case, let the warm water cascade over you both as you hug and embrace one another.
Surfing the wave
A variation on the cowgirl, Surfing the wave can only be achieved if there is enough floor space in the shower. The giver lays on the floor, and the receiver kneels astride. Because of the hard floor, it may be more comfortable for the receiver to kneel on some waterproof cushions or at least some flannels under each knee to avoid abrasions. Once in position have the shower directed over the giver’s stomach, so you both feel the sensation of the warm flow between your bodies.
Great sex in the shower should not always include penetration so here are a couple of not penetrative options to consider.
Clitoral Water Massage
If you have a power shower that has adjustable shower flows then turn it into the most direct water jet and turn the temperature down to about 35c. The female then sits on the shower floor with her back resting against the wall with her legs apart exposing her vagina. Ask her to close her eyes then slowly steer the jet of water over her body. Starting at her feet, working up to the calves and thighs, teasingly slow. Direct the flow into her groin area ( the sensitive part where the leg attaches to torso) and then when she can take no more gently take the flow over her clitoris. With your other had spread her vaginal lips apart and then water massage her to orgasm in an on-off motion, 10 seconds on her clit then 15 seconds off, then 10 seconds on again until she reaches orgasm.
If you are giving this to a man then direct the water jet on to the front side of his cock particularly around the Frenulum, This is the V-shaped part under the head of the penis where the glans meets the shaft. It has some sensitivity to it, but less than the glans itself. You can also ask him to turn and bend over and then direct the jet on to the sensitive skin around his anus and perineum the area between the anus and the scrotum.
The Golden Shower Shower
If a couple has never explored mutual urination better known as the golden shower, then trying this out for the first time in the shower is probably the best place to start. Urinating together may to some seem quite bizarre, but for others, it can create a deep sense of connection. To make the experience even closer helping one another by the man supporting his woman by holding her under armpit as she urinates or she holding his penis as he responds can bring a remarkable level of trust and intimacy. Of course for the truely adventurous peeing over one another is also an option. Soap and water easily at hand to wash up afterwards.
A shower is also a great place for anal play, especially if you’re usually a bit squeamish about the back door. You get the reassurance of knowing that everything is perfectly clean right before getting started. So exploring in the shower your first experience with prostate massagers and strap-ons can lessen the chance of any awkward mishaps.
A final piece of advice is to make sure there is a lock on the bathroom door. If you don’t live alone, then children or housemates barging in will certainly ensure many embarrassing stories in the future.
Don’t Limit Yourselves to Penetration
Remember, intercourse isn’t the only way to have sex, and other intimate activities can be more suited to the shower. Fellatio enthusiasts can have their guy stand at the edge of the shower head’s radius so that the water is being deflected by his back and not getting into your eyes (it also helps to have a cushy bath mat to protect your knees). Or, use some silicone lube to give an extra-slippery handjob. Push your lady against the wall of the shower and finger her from behind. You can also bring waterproof (emphasis on waterproof) sex toys into the shower to help get each other off with less effort. A shower is also a great place for anal play, especially if you’re usually a big squeamish about the back door. You get the reassurance of knowing that everything is perfectly clean right before getting started.
You can also use the shower as foreplay. Tease your partner by letting them watch you clean yourself, but forbidding them from joining you. Or you can make out and taunt each other with your hands and mouths, then move out of the shower to finish each other off (perhaps on a sturdy counter in your bathroom?)
Give the Tub a Try
Bathtub sex doesn’t tend to get as much attention as shower sex, but it can be just as fun. If you’re having penetrative sex, the penetrated partner can get on top facing towards or away from their partner. They can prop themselves up on their feet, and can use their hands on the tub rim for even more leverage. Or the catcher can sit in the pitcher’s lap, and they can grind against each other. Be conservative with how high to fill the tub unless you want to spend your post-orgasm afterglow mopping up the mess!
If you’re lucky enough to have some jets in your tub, you can strategically line up against the stream for some delightful pressure in all the right places. Revel Body makes a product called the Sol that creates a wonderfully unique suction sensation in the bath, perfect for nipples and other sensitive spots.
Keep It Quick
I highly recommend going for a quickie when you’re having shower sex. It can make the experience feel that much more intense and passionate, not to mention save you from sore limbs, pruney fingers, and irritation from soaps and other bath products. Remember; you can always continue after you get out!
The current and most common description of cuckolding is a man who gets turned on his watching his wife have sex with other men without taking part himself. Cuckolding occurs when a married woman has a sexual encounter with another man with her husband’s full knowledge and consent. She does it because it makes him aroused and reputedly because he is inadequate in bed himself.
Psycho-Sexuality Engineer Colin Richards of Intimacy Matters has been working with the phenomena of cuckolding for the past five years and although he agrees somewhat with the humiliation idea he also believes that there are several other motivations why some men enjoy watching their wives or girlfriends have sex with another man.
But first, let’s look at the traditional meaning of cuckold.
The word cuckold and what it has always meant (and everything it means now), I just had this vague idea that a cuckold was a man worthy of mockery. The truth is that being cuckold today means something very different from what it did when the word was first coined. The original meaning of “cuckold” is very old.
Cuckold originally meant being the wronged husband of an adulterous wife.The first recorded use, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, was in a satirical poem called “The Owl and The Nightingale.”
The word is derived from the cuckoo bird which is known for laying its eggs in the nests of other birds. Only in this case, instead of eggs, it’s a wife laying with a man who is not her husband. An important part of this definition is the notion that the husband has no idea that his wife is pulling one over on him. Calling a man a cuckold is to mock him, according to this definition. Not only is he not “man enough” to keep his woman from straying he’s also a fool who doesn’t even realize that his wife is cheating on him. Another phrase you’ll often hear bandied about with “cuckold” in the ancient definition of the word is “wearing the horns” or “he’s wearing the horns of a cuckold.”
When someone mentions horns this way, they are referring to the mating rituals of stags. Cuckolding is a sexual fetish that a lot of people enjoy.
“Cuckolding” or “cucking” is when a man and his partner derive sexual pleasure from the woman having sex with men who are not her partner.
Very often, her partner is “forced” to watch his wife or partner being unfaithful. It’s a fetish that, like many others, is formed in a masochistic love being humiliated.
In that way, cuckolding is a subset of the BDSM kink world.
Like with many other kinks, what’s appealing to men who are self-proclaimed cucks is the element of escapism, taking a break from the restrictions of their daily lives.
“It’s a stress reliever,” “I know my wife loves me, I know she’s not going anywhere, but the idea that I’m not man enough for her or that she has needs I can’t meet gets me going,” is often cited as the hook.
“It’s atavistic, like, my role as her husband is to give her kids and keep her satisfied, right? But when I’m cucking, it’s taking those expectations and ripping them away. It’s a high like nothing else.’
While many other sexual fetishes have become more accepted in the mainstream cuckolding is still something that stays in the closet.
Other apparent motivations of the cuckold.
Colin offers couples the opportunity to explore cuckolding within the environment of sensual massage.
This is when the female is the ‘receiver of the sensual massage and the male partner watches. Motivations that he sees that extend beyond the need for humiliation are:-
- I want approval from another man by sharing my partner with him.
Colin says “Although not spoken at the time when giving a sensual massage to a wife or girlfriend I often have the male partner ask me if I am enjoying giving her the massage. This seems reminiscent of the time the child shared his toys with the other boys to belong to the gang.’
- Misplaced colonial approval
Colin says “ Cuckolding seems more popular with couples from cultures and ethnicities that were once under colonial rule and there appears to be an unconscious belief that the western male can pleasure his partner better than he can”
- I can not satisfy her in the way she wants
Colin says “ some men explain that they feel they can not get the approval from their female partner sexually, so the fall back is to gain approval by arranging for another man to give her sexual satisfaction.
- I want to watch a sexually experienced man satisfy my partner so that I can learn how to be a better lover
Unlike watching porn which for many men can be intimidating because of the stereotypical ‘stud’ image of the men involved, learning how to be a better lover from someone who they can relate to can be both arousing and informative.
Exploring Cuckolding for the first time
For those couples who want to explore ‘Cuckolding’ in a safe and professional environment that not only gives them the chance to explore the situation but also to understand their desires better Colin offers several types of experiences.
Colin says “By exploring ‘Cuckolding’ with a professional, it ensures that the adventure is contained within both sexual and emotional boundaries and that there is no chance that the female would become emotionally involved with the provider. It also allow the couple to create the experience they want rather than to the agenda of the third party which is handled wrongly can jeopardise the relationship.
For the cuckold experience to be successful the emotional relationship between the couple must remain sacrosanct since if the female becomes emotionally attracted to the provider then the cuckold experience can fall into becoming an affair which ultimately will break the trust that is essential for the cuckold relationship to work.
Watch & Enjoy’ Cuckold Couples Massage
- 105 minute “Absolute” massage for the female – £245
- 90 minute “Premium” massage for the male – £205
- 60 minute – Standard/Re-Energiser for either him or her – £155
The “Watch & Enjoy” cuckold massage is perfect the couple where one partner wants to watch the other partner receive the sensual massage. The massage given is the 105 minute “Absolute” Massage for the female or the 90-minute Premium Massage for the male. As well as enjoying seeing their partner experience the pleasures of this massage it also provides a perfect opportunity to learn a few techniques in erotic arousal.
Perfect for women – a new sensation
For the female, this cuckold massage often enables her to experience a different type of touch and sensual dynamic from a man than the one she regularly experiences. This often means she will enjoy sensations that she may not have felt before and so is particularly good for women who experience difficulty reaching orgasm.
‘Watch & Touch’ Couples Massage
- 105 minute “Absolute” massage for the female – £265
- 90 minute “Premium” massage for the male – £225
- 60 minute – £195
The “Watch & Touch” massage is probably the most popular couples massage I give because it enables one partner to enjoy the therapeutic element of the massage and explore the gradual arousal that it encourages whilst the other partner watches. Then after about 40 minutes, when the erotic energy develops, the watching partner can join in and the massage becomes a 4 hands experience with all the excitement and exploration that comes with that.The massage given is the “Absolute” Massage for the female or the Premium massage for the male.
- The woman who has wondered what it would be like to be desired and pampered by two men at the same time.
- The straight or bisexual man who wants to explore his sexuality with his female partner watching and then taking part.
- The gay man who wants to watch his partner enjoy the experience and then join in towards the end.
- Female receiver wants to watch her male partner explore same-sex intimacy
- Male partner wants to perform for his female partner
- Female partner is aware that male partner is bisexual and wants to enable the opportunity safely and without deception.
‘Give With Me’ Couples Massage
- 105 minute “Absolute” massage for the female – £285
- 90 minute “Premium” massage for the male – £245
- 60 minute – £195
The ‘Give With Me’ massage is similar to the two treatments mentioned above and is given as an option for the couple where one partner wants to help give the whole massage to the other partner as 4 hands, with myself as leader and guide. I can be partnered with either with the male or female to give to the other partner. The massage given is the ‘Absolute’ Massage for the female or the ‘Premium’ Massage for the male.
Here are some of the reasons given by previous couples for taking the participation massage:-
- My female partner wants to experience 4 hands massage but wants me to be one of the masseurs
- My male partner wants to experience 4 hands but wants me to be one of the masseurs
- We are beginning to explore wider sexual horizons and this seems a great place to start
- I want to learn how to arouse my partner better
- I want to improve my confidence in giving foreplay
For more details of the Couple’s Cuckold Massages, [Click here]
Sharon used psychosensual massage, where a therapist stimulates the body, to climax with another person for the first time ever.
Article by Kashimar Gander – from The Independant Newspaper
“I did wonder if orgasms were real,” says Sharon who, aged 48, has never climaxed with a sexual partner. “Were they just something that people talk about? I didn’t know and wasn’t going to ask.”
Like between five to 10 per cent of women, and a smaller number of men, Sharon has anorgasmia – or an inability to orgasm. She believes her condition is caused by the abuse she suffered as a child. “I didn’t trust people. I couldn’t relax as I had to feel like I was in control and that I was safe because I didn’t want history repeating itself,” she tells The Independent. “There was no way for me to relax and give myself the opportunity for the orgasm to happen.”
Anorgasmia is an umbrella term for subsets that include ‘lifelong’, where a person cannot climax at all; and ‘acquired’, when the ability comes and goes. ‘Situational’ anorgasmia depends on partners and stimuli’, and ‘generalised’ denotes being unable to orgasm in any situation or with any partner, according to Mayo Clinic. Causes of the condition can range from diseases including diabetes to multiple sclerosis, gynaecological issues, medication, smoking, drinking and ageing. Psychological triggers can include anxiety, low-self esteem, feelings of guilt, abuse, and the fear of pregnancy and STIs. Cognitive behavioural therapy, sex therapy and medication can be used to treat anorgasmia.
It took Sharon decades to start this process. By the age of 30, it dawned on her that she wasn’t having the same sexual experiences as other people. “It was one of those things where you go through life and eventually pick up on. I didn’t really have much on a idea of what it was all about. Being with a partner and never orgasming…I thought it was just the way things are.”
“I felt embarrassed so I’d fake it. My partners seemed happy so I didn’t want to burst their bubble. I resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn’t orgasm. I didn’t put myself first because I didn’t think I was important because how I saw myself. I thought, at least I’ve had some intimacy.”
Everything changed as she flicked through a magazine at the hairdresser in 2015. She chanced upon article about a psychosensual massage therapist Colin Richards, who runs Intimacy Matters. Treatment generally involves three sessions of counselling and around 90 minutes of intimate massage. Depending on the client’s needs, this can involve stimulation of the breasts, nipples, clitoris, vagina and anus.
But being weighed down with an inability to trust and fear about feeling safe during sex, even sending an email to enquire about the service was too much for Sharon. It wasn’t until she made significant leaps with her mental health that aged 48, she decided to turn her attention to her sexuality.
In July, Sharon made a breakthrough with Colin and achieved an orgasm with another person for the first time in her life.
“It was just ‘wow’. It felt like a huge release” Sharon says of her first orgasm. “I could just feel it running through my body, rather than the feeling that I have to be aware and in control. I felt a big rush of sensation all the way through the body. And my body kind of went off on it’s own. It was tingling. My back was arching and it was making its own movements.
“It was kind of like being able to have an orgasm through masturbation, so I had an idea of what it should feel like. But it was so much more intense and went on for longer. It was awesome.”
“I spent so many years feeling that I would always remain a caterpillar, never progressing onto the next stage. Then I made it to becoming a chrysalis, sadly for many years this is where I thought I would remain. Encased, frozen in a cocoon for eternity, never knowing what else was out there.
“Then out of nowhere I have turned into the most amazing bright, colourful big butterfly. I can now choose where I fly off too, where I land and how long for. I now decide, no longer feeling or allowing myself to be controlled. Pure magic, that’s what it is.”
Sharon says the treatment has made her feel more open and relaxed in her daily life. She hopes this will help her work towards experiencing her first orgasm with a sexual partner.
Her message for anyone considering seeking treatment is to go for it. “I don’t regret a minute of it. It’s amazing once you get there. Believe me.”
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Stay healthy and don’t forget to have fun!
London is one of the most fascinating cities in the world with so many incredible things to see, discover and learn. Sometimes looking for the best things to do in London can be a bit overwhelming. Well, not to worry, Funzing has got you covered. On Funzing, you’ll find so many cool things to do in London, which will save you loads of time and will give you original ideas.
Food Events – If you are looking for the best food events, Funzing is a great place to start. For any foodie out there, you’ll find hundreds of unique things to do in London which doesn’t involve just eating in a restaurant. Funzing has collected the best activities in London for people who are obsessed with food and drink, meaning you’ll find a huge variety of food-related alternative events held all over the city and throughout the year.
Workshops and Classes – If you’re looking to learn something new then workshops and classes are some of the best events to check out. Choose from cooking classes, dancing classes, yoga workshops, and a lot more on Funzing – a great way to have fun and learn new skills.
Colin gives his first Funzing talk
On Thursday 17th August I gave my first Funzing talk. Buried deep in the east end of London in Shoreditch is a fabulous little bar called the Looking Glass Cocktail Club. As you step off the street it immediately feels somewhat edgy, with rustic tables and shabby sofas and on entering I was slightly perplexed as there seemed to be no space for the 45 guests who were booked to attend my talk on The Psychology of Lovemaking. Not to worry since at that moment almost miraculously from behind a large mirror ( looking glass ) appeared Aimee the very friendly co host and representative from Funzing The 6ft by 3 ft mirror was, in fact, a doorway to another room and of walking in all was revealed. More shabby sofas another bar, and a screen and projector set ready for me to sort my power point!
A great space to give a talk and a very helpful manager of the bar helped me set up my stuff and soon guests began to arrive. An eclectic bunch of people some who had attended Funzing talks before others who were drawn to my subject. At 7.30pm when the room was full I started and over the next 90 minutes, I attempted to show how the audience how attraction and even the way we have sex can be influenced by our early life experiences.
I am now planning more Funzing outings, another evening talk again on the Psychology of Attraction. Dates still to be confirmed but will update here as soon as I know more.
Why Can’t I Orgasm?
An article by Intimate Tutorials Creator and Psychosexual Therapist Colin Richards
Email: email@example.com – Call: 07966 522 696
Anorgasmia – Persistent inability to achieve orgasm despite responding to sexual stimulation
As a trained psychosexual therapist and 20 years experienced masseur in my role as a sex mentor, I often use a combination of counselling with massage as a treatment to help people with sexual performance challenges. I call this treatment Psychosensual. By combining both talk and touch, I can first find out the psychological drivers that are causing the interference with the sexual fulfilment then I follow this with a specifically designed massage that creates an experience that is as near to the normal sexual arousal cycle as possible but always remains within a therapeutic relationship between the client and myself. This combined mind and body treatment often has remarkable results with clients sometimes overcoming a sexual performance blockage in just one session. However, a three-session series is what I recommend and this is particularly relevant for clients who experience difficulty with reaching orgasm due to a past trauma or who live with high anxiety or trust issues.
Both men and women come to me with challenges reaching orgasm but it is fair to say that I see more women, with only about 1 in 20 being men. This maybe is because women are more open to deal with personal sexual issues or maybe that their frustration is even greater than men. However, it is likely that women experience orgasm issues more because the sexual response cycle in the female is far more complex than the males and it requires quite a few physiological and psychological elements to come together at the same time for the female to reach the satisfaction of a full vaginal orgasm.
Some women can have clitoral orgasms quite easily but the vaginal orgasm remaining elusive. The more common problem men bring to me is either loss of erection or reaching orgasm too quickly whereas to be fully aroused and then not reach orgasm and ejaculation is as I say the least common occurrence but never the less just as frustrating and humiliating.
Using the curious analogy of mountaineering, men are like climbers tackling Mount Everest, a steady climb upwards to one peak and they go equipped with all the right gear to get there. Women on the other hand when having sex with another person, are like the Mountaineer exploring the whole Alpine mountain range, where to be fully enjoyed one must be aware of the climate, the terrain, the timing, with the valleys and rivers being just as important as climbing the peaks. This means that if a female is having to work to the male sexual agenda, particularly with a male partner who is confident to climb just one mountain then she will likely not reach complete sexual fulfilment.
Not all men and women who have challenges with orgasm find reaching orgasm completely impossible as most will have experienced orgasm at some time, mostly through masturbation. But many say they have difficulty reaching orgasm when with another person. This inability to orgasm when with a partner is called
Secondary Anorgasmia is experienced by men and women but with men, it is loss erection that means no orgasm, however, there are men who can still get erect but with penetrative sex can’t orgasm and then have to masturbate themselves to finish. Therefore it could be said that men with erectile problems can also be regarded as having a form of anorgasmia.
Primary Anorgasmia is when a person has never been able to orgasm, even through masturbation. This very unusual with men but occurs more frequently in women.
It can be that there is a physiological reason for orgasm to be unattainable so conditions such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis, genital mutilation, total hysterectomy, spinal cord injury, need to be ruled out before seeking emotional or practical help. Drug abuse, excessive alcohol and antidepressants can also inhibit orgasm.
In this article, I focus on the most common cause of Anorgasmia which is psychological, when learned survival behaviours from childhood interfere with a person’s natural sexual arousal cycle. Below are six examples of situational anorgasmia that I have worked with. Each example gives a bit of background of the problem, the psychological aspects that are influencing the behaviour and then the treatment I give to help.
My body wants to, but my head won’t let go
The conflict between head and body is symptomatic for most men and women who experience secondary anorgasmia. Despite a woman being turned on and fully lubricated and a man getting a full erection, the thought maybe today it will happen can soon be replaced with disappointment and frustration. The sexual encounter initially starts with optimism, with he or she are hopeful that maybe this time orgasm will be reached. As the stimulation heightens and the intensity of the moment builds, gradually the thought of yet another failure emerges in the mind until eventually, they accept it’s not going to happen, and the sexual euphoria is quickly replaced by familiar feelings of frustration, exasperation, exhaustion and resignation the that yet again ‘I can’t cum, ‘ ‘I am different’, I am a failure’ as a woman’, ‘I am a failure as a man’, ‘people think I am weird’ and although one can understand these feelings none are correct.
So what is it that stopping the orgasm?
He just can’t seem to hit the right spot (female situational anorgasmia)
A lack of skill or knowledge of the male partner to give the right type and length of foreplay is one of the more common reasons women are unable to reach orgasm during sex. Many women know unconsciously what the problem is but feel reluctant even unqualified to say something to their partner about his lack of skill or bad technique. Many of these women can experience clitoral orgasm during sex when given by their own hands or the partner’s hands and even with oral sex but they then find it difficult to reach orgasm through vaginal penetration. Whether it is hands, penis or a toy if the partner is inexperienced and unskilled or simply unimaginative, then the orgasm often becomes an illusive goal.
Make me feel desired
The underlying primal dynamic of a woman is to feel desired. This dynamic is particularly relevant during sex and if a man is either too timid, inexperienced or is focussed primarily on his own pleasure or is just quick to orgasm himself then the mental stimulation a woman requires to take her to orgasm is just not there.
The treatment strategy
Once I understand the situation, and it becomes apparent that the women have only experienced limited or even one type of male sexual dynamic (usually passive or lack of sexual creativity) my strategy is to create a treatment that from the outset is designed to make her feel desired. The treatment starts with an initial exploratory conversation to identify her domestic situation and her experience so far with sex. Often restricting cultural and religious influences can become apparent. Or a childhood where she felt marginalised and criticised even unloved particularly by the male primary carer. Following this conversation and once she is feeling at ease, I start the massage treatment with firm confident traditional massage strokes of her upper body. As she relaxes the strokes become longer and more explorative with the intention to excite and stimulate both her body and mind. Her responses guide me, and as her body reacts to this new form of stimulation, so the treatment can become more assertive and intentionally arousing. If this stronger approach is received well, usually indicated by her expressing verbal and physical responses, then I know that this assertive, confident approach is what has been missing from the mental stimulation. From this point on I follow my intuition and continue to be guided by her reactions. I sometimes will bring in body weight to stimulate her primal sexual urges. One technique is to put firm pressure to her groin and pelvic floor by slipping my arm between her legs and lifting her body and leaning in to her with my shoulder thus putting to pressure on her groin and pelvic floor. If this also produces a positive response and I sense that she is letting go and moving into her natural primal sexual state, then direct stimulation of the clitoris and internal vaginal stimulation with hands can follow. The clitoral and vaginal stimulation can be given as light touch be more aggressive and id she is fully relaxed and aroused and most importantly in a trusting state of mind I will continue to give deep firm penetration of the vagina to simulate penetrative sex (with fingers) This is given not so much as a backwards forward motion but more given as an internal massage style to massage the internal walls of the whole vagina wall reaching the G-spot at the upper front and A-spot at the far internal end of the vagina. Often at this point orgasm is reached, sometimes the first of a few as this method can bring on multiple orgasms and is some cases ejaculation.
She must cum first
This is a comment I often hear from men who find it difficult to orgasm and ejaculate through penetrative sex. For a man to reach orgasm, he first has to become fully aroused. He needs to be mentally stimulated and free of anxiety. The fit between penis and vagina needs to be snug, and he needs to feel entitled to enjoy mutual pleasure.
Men who can’t orgasm are usually men who are mostly other person focussed rather than self-focused, they are men who when young may have spent much time around an emotionally needy or anxious mother or primary female carer. They can be men who have the tendency to feel self-critical or have an underlying lack of self-worth particularly when around women, making them over-vigilant, holding themselves responsible for getting everything right. If this type of man feels he is not achieving or he senses disapproval or dissatisfaction from his partner, this can result in an inability to reach orgasm certainly with penetrative sex and he may revert to masturbation to finish himself off. If masturbation in front of his partner does not bring him to orgasm, then he may resort to masturbating when he is on his own away from distractions.
The treatment strategy
Before any physical treatment can be given it is important to explore the emotional influences that are driving his need to please. The natural primal dynamic of the male is to seek approval. Excessive focus on achievement at work, sport, his appearance, even the type car he drives can be evidence of a heightened need for approval. How he performs sexually is no different, and for some men, the need to get it right can be so strong that it becomes hard for them to relax and enjoy the moment for himself.
A preliminary fact finding conversation to look at any childhood behaviours particularly his behaviour around primary female carers will start the session. His tendency to be hyper vigilant to the female dynamic may well have started from an extremely early age. When older this unconscious dynamic can manifest with female partners and a fear of disapproval or not judging himself to be a good enough lover will increase his anxiety. Orgasm is a moment of complete abandonment and trust, so feeling anxiety will trigger his fight and flight responses, and this will usually result in either an inability to orgasm or loss of erection.
By looking at his early childhood it will help him become aware from where these unconscious fears originate and to see how they now unconsciously appear in his day to day life within work, with friends and lovers. The aim is to start a change of his behaviour, particularly where sex is concerned to show him that given the intimate situation these unconscious feelings are now are inappropriate fears that originated in his child mind but are now being applied out of context. To enhance his self-worth I teach him to become a more skilled and confident lover and encourage him to reveal his primal assertive side. I encourage him to take the initiative to become a more adventurous sexually creative lover. Once he has adopted this approach, he will see his partner respond positively and this obvious approval will soon arouse him often to the point that he will naturally reach orgasm.
To enhance his self-worth I teach him to become a more skilled and confident lover and encourage him to reveal his primal assertive male. By including either his female partner of if he is single female volunteers into the session the sexual situation can be replicated but contained within a therapeutic supportive environment. By teaching him more about female arousal and how to confidently explore the female body I encourage him to take the initiative to become a more adventurous sexually creative lover. Once he has adopted this approach and sees his partner respond positively and with obvious approval, this will relax him to the point he becomes aroused and orgasm should naturally occur.
If I loose control and let myself orgasm something terrible might happen
I often hear women say that they can’t orgasm because they have control issues and that when having sex they are unable to let go and relax. Rather than seeing it as a need to control I feel it is more a trust issue in that to let go when with another person one must feel trusting towards that person and the situation they are both in. Lack of trust is a common factor in women who have experienced trauma or a lack of security when young. The effect of this is to create a behaviour strategy that ensures she remains in control. Talking, directing, fidgeting during sex are the classic indications of an inability to let go. This does not mean that these people are necessarily controlling people but more about remaining in control of the situation. The unconscious thought being ‘If I am in control then I am safe, and if others around me are happy and non-threatening then I am safe’. By not trusting the person and the event the need to be constantly aware and alert will often cause the orgasm to be withheld.
The treatment strategy
It is clear that anxiety during sex plays a large part in withholding pleasure. What differentiates each situation is the motive for the anxiety. For a person who is reluctant to trust others the best way to help them overcome the fear is to equip them with a genuine sense of safety and security. By talking through and identifying the basis of their trust issues one can then create a treatment that comforts this. For the person who may have experienced trauma, it is important to reassure them that they are in a safe, caring place. For the women who feels obligated to make sure everyone else is happy than giving them permission to not be in charge and to be self-focused and self-caring will help them let go of their need to be responsible.
Once the treatment starts the sensation of soothing hands on the body immediately helps relax and calm. The hormones that are released when we are touched play a large part in this, but by incorporating supportive holding even hugging movements, they will relax even quicker. Once the body begins to relax, and the tension dissipates I bring intimate touch with the intent to arouse. This treatment should always remain close and caring. The actual erotic arousal also needs to be given cautiously since any feeling of discomfort can cause an adverse reaction. Orgasm may not always happen the first time, but usually, after a series of sessions, the orgasm will be achieved.
There is so much to think about, how can I hope to focus on orgasm
Busy life, always active, run run run, no time for me because I have lots to do!
Often these types are career persons, always on the go. Why, because it’s a distraction. How can one enjoy sex if one is always busy? Similar to the ‘Giver’ type being both mentally and physically frantic is a sure way to hinder receiving pleasure. To be goal driven may appear to be about the seeking achievement but the strive for achievement is the underlying habitual behaviour. The child who has to work hard at school or the sportsman who must, on all accounts win, spends far more time attempting to reach his goal rather than winning the prize. Sex and orgasm are just another platform for them to play out this behaviour and the actual orgasm remains the elusive prize never to be won but always strived for.
Recently, I gave a session to female client aged 38. She had never experienced an orgasm of any sort, not even through masturbation, a classic case of primary anorgasmia. Her frustration was palpable, and it was clear that she was at the point of resignation believing that her body was simply not wired to achieve orgasm. During the initial discussion, she revealed that although she grew up in the UK one of her parents originated from a culture that believed high academic achievement was essential and she being the eldest child of three she felt this pressure even more strongly. From as early as she could remember the need to work harder consistently, a mantra her mother instilled in her almost from birth. But no matter how well she did it never seemed enough and there was always another level to reach for.
It is no surprise that for this client achieving orgasm had become interwoven into her paycheque that achievement was not possible. Her brain had become so used to always struggling to achieve so to allow the orgasm to come through was an anathema.
To circumnavigate this repetitive dynamic, I assured her that orgasm was not the expected outcome of the treatment and that she should just enjoy the massage and the sensation of arousal and to let go of the need to try harder. By taking my time and by incorporating elements that took her mind and body to an unfamiliar place of relaxation she was able to focus on herself. As she became more aroused, the erotic stimulation took her quickly to a higher level of pleasure and soon the part of her that had remained suppressed for so long broke though. She then went on to not only experience her first orgasm but to her complete surprise also experienced a full body orgasm.
Below is a testimonial that was given two days after the treatment by the client mentioned in the previous paragraph.
I fully appreciated the time you took to find out the history and reasons why l might have had problems achieving orgasms. It was an eye opener and I was impressed with your subject knowledge. Although l was nervous, to begin with the glass of wine helped! I knew l could totally trust you and knew that l was in your expert hands. I was blown away by the whole experience and for me the icing on the cake achieving that elusive orgasm! It has changed my perception and l am very happy about the experience. I can absolutely recommend you to others and once again a big thank you!
She doesn’t seem to like what I am doing
As hunter-gatherers, we shared everything including sexual partners. Not because we were sexually indulgent but because the more sex had, the more chance the species survived. Females would instigate sex by displaying their desire to attract as many males as possible. Harvesting sperm to ensure the best biological match may seem to the modern code of morality a bit carnal, but as an assurance to achieve healthy plentiful offspring it is a very sensible strategy. The primal dynamic of the human male is to be approved of. Whether it’s the size of his bank account, his biceps, his brain or his penis, approval is essential to ensure his genetic survival since deep in his psyche – with its origins reaching back to the beginning of time itself – lack of approval equals rejection. Rejection by the female means no sex and no sex means his genetic line ends.
So men need approval to be turned on, whether it is approval of performance or a sensitive, intimate touch or a wild scream of ecstasy as he makes love to women, any sign that she gives that indicates he is doing a good job will arouse him even more. Conversely, no approval implies no selection and therefore potential rejection. So a man who believes that his female partner is not enjoying herself will feel anxious and concerned, and orgasm will be a challenge to reach.
I teach this guy skills and knowledge that will always have her screaming in delight.
Good girls like me shouldn’t do this
Men and women who have grown up in either a culturally restricted society or in strongly moralistic or pious environment where sex, in general, is seen as only as procreative often say that when having sex they often feel guilt, shame, dishonour, remorse, embarrassment and that to enjoy sex is the quickest route to hell and damnation.
An acclaimed male porn actor once told me that even after 15 years in the business, even when masturbating by himself he still felt pangs of guilt. No surprise that his Scottish Presbyterian mother had indoctrinated her young son to believe that sex was not to be enjoyed but endured by women and that men who enjoyed sex were selfish and demanding.
The anxiety felt of doing wrong in the name of the clan, religion or culture will always effect the ability to reach orgasm. Recent studies into multi-orgasmic women (women who orgasm multiple times within a short period) 80% of these women surveyed had shunned strong religious backgrounds. That they had then become multi-orgasmic was due to their now higher natural levels of oxytocin in the body before and during sex. Conversely, women who felt in a conflict between their beliefs and the natural sexual desire had a far lower level of oxytocin in the system before and during sex.
Success in helping people who experience a lack of orgasm due to guilt and shame can vary greatly and much depends on how far they have let go of theses confining thoughts. When seeing these clients discretion and security is paramount as often they remain obligated to their situation and fear being found out. The actual treatment starts gently as this allows them to relax into the situation but often, like a genie immerging from a bottle the suppressed sexual energy is released, sometimes quite explosively. Orgasm may not be the immediate result but just being allowed to express their natural sexual needs can be life changing
If you are experiencing challenges reaching orgasm and you identify with any of the above examples or if you have another situation, feel free to call or email Colin to talk through in confidence your needs. Colin will then tell you if he feels he may be able to help or will point you in the direction of another specialist who can.
Colin featured in this Cosmopolitan article about female orgasm denial
Not gonna lie, ‘female orgasm denial’ sound like three pretty scary words. But really, it’s just a fancy and roundabout way of saying ‘intense, built-up orgasms that feel incredible’. Also known by some people as ‘edging’, it is, essentially, being brought to the point of climax before stopping, and building it back up again. You can do it yourself during masturbation, or get your partner to control your pleasure.
1. What it is
The act of taking a woman to near orgasm over and over again. And is nowhere near as scary as it sounds. Oh, and by the time you finally get that release, it feels uh-mazing.
2. How it works
The female sexual response cycle is made up of four stages: excitement, plateau, orgasm, resolution. In the excitement stage, a woman’s muscle tension increases, her heart rate quickens, and her breathing is accelerated. Nipples become erect and blood flow to the genitals increases as vaginal lubrication begins.
Female orgasm denial usually starts in the excitement stage, with some form of light restraint (we’re talking cuffs or a soft rope) causing you to feel beholden to the administrator’s techniques, while feeling your arousal develop.
3. How to start
When you reach the plateau stage, the fun can begin. Your vagina will be fully lubricated and your clitoris hypersensitive. You’ll naturally feel less need to control yourself as the oxytocin floods your body.
The plateau stage will now be in your partner’s control. It can be intensified by the use of a vibrator, taking you right to the edge of orgasm but never quite allowing you the release. You’ll probably feel a confused mix of anticipation, excitement, fear and pleasure (in the best way).
4. Pain and pleasure
Did you know that love, sex, pain and violence all have the potential to stimulate the release of similar chemicals and hormones in the body? When you are aroused and prepared, stress and pain can stimulate the serotonin and melatonin production in the brain, which transforms what could otherwise be painful experiences into pleasurable ones. This could be harder sex, a smack on the bum, or more intense BDSM techniques, and of course, communication before, during and after is key. Combined with the oxytocin caused by the sexual stimulation, the release of epinephrine and norepinephrine in pain can also cause a pleasurable ‘rush’. This means some women experience a double high.
5. Why it can feel great
Without the uniform or environment of traditional BDSM (whips, canes, the usual), female orgasm denial uses a similar dynamic but in a much less daunting way. Many women who enjoy it are into ‘vanilla sex’ but just love the added ingredient of having their pleasure controlled. And obviously, it builds up your orgasm so that when you finally do get it, it is more intense than you could imagine.
6. It’s like a sexy game of pass the parcel (yes, really)
Remember playing pass the parcel when you were a kid? Remember your excited anticipation when the music stopped? And how it felt to tear another layer of paper off? But damn it, no matter how much you wanted to win, the person controlling the music always ultimately held the control? It was only them who could give you the ultimate pleasure of winning.