Anorgasmia

Why Can’t I Orgasm?

An article by Intimate Tutorials Creator and Psychosexual Therapist Colin Richards
Email: colin@intimacymatters.co.uk
 – Call: 07966 522 696

Anorgasmia – Persistent inability to achieve orgasm despite responding to sexual stimulation

As a trained psychosexual therapist and 20 years experienced masseur in my role as a sex mentor, I often use a combination of counselling with massage as a treatment to help people with sexual performance challenges. I call this treatment Psychosensual. By combining both talk and touch, I can first find out the psychological drivers that are causing the interference with the sexual fulfilment then I follow this with a specifically designed massage that creates an experience that is as near to the normal sexual arousal cycle as possible but always remains within a therapeutic relationship between the client and myself.  This combined mind and body treatment often has remarkable results with clients sometimes overcoming a sexual performance blockage in just one session. However, a three-session series is what I recommend and this is particularly relevant for clients who experience difficulty with reaching orgasm due to a past trauma or who live with high anxiety or trust issues.

Both men and women come to me with challenges reaching orgasm but it is fair to say that I see more women, with only about 1 in 20 being men. This maybe is because women are more open to deal with personal sexual issues or maybe that their frustration is even greater than men. However, it is likely that women experience orgasm issues more because the sexual response cycle in the female is far more complex than the males and it requires quite a few physiological and psychological elements to come together at the same time for the female to reach the satisfaction of a full vaginal orgasm.

Some women can have clitoral orgasms quite easily but the vaginal orgasm remaining elusive. The more common problem men bring to me is either loss of erection or reaching orgasm too quickly whereas to be fully aroused and then not reach orgasm and ejaculation is as I say the least common occurrence but never the less just as frustrating and humiliating.

Using the curious analogy of mountaineering, men are like climbers tackling Mount Everest, a steady climb upwards to one peak and they go equipped with all the right gear to get there. Women on the other hand when having sex with another person, are like the Mountaineer exploring the whole Alpine mountain range, where to be fully enjoyed one must be aware of the climate, the terrain, the timing, with the valleys and rivers being just as important as climbing the peaks. This means that if a female is having to work to the male sexual agenda, particularly with a male partner who is confident to climb just one mountain then she will likely not reach complete sexual fulfilment.

Not all men and women who have challenges with orgasm find reaching orgasm completely impossible as most will have experienced orgasm at some time, mostly through masturbation. But many say they have difficulty reaching orgasm when with another person. This inability to orgasm when with a partner is called

Secondary Anorgasmia

Secondary Anorgasmia is experienced by men and women but with men, it is loss erection that means no orgasm, however, there are men who can still get erect but with penetrative sex can’t orgasm and then have to masturbate themselves to finish. Therefore it could be said that men with erectile problems can also be regarded as having a form of anorgasmia.

Primary Anorgasmia

Primary Anorgasmia is when a person has never been able to orgasm, even through masturbation. This very unusual with men but occurs more frequently in women.

Physiological Causes

It can be that there is a physiological reason for orgasm to be unattainable so conditions such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis, genital mutilation, total hysterectomy, spinal cord injury, need to be ruled out before seeking emotional or practical help. Drug abuse, excessive alcohol and antidepressants can also inhibit orgasm.

Psychological Causes

In this article, I focus on the most common cause of Anorgasmia which is psychological, when learned survival behaviours from childhood interfere with a person’s natural sexual arousal cycle. Below are six examples of situational anorgasmia that I have worked with. Each example gives a bit of background of the problem, the psychological aspects that are influencing the behaviour and then the treatment I give to help.

 

My body wants to, but my head won’t let go

The conflict between head and body is symptomatic for most men and women who experience secondary anorgasmia. Despite a woman being turned on and fully lubricated and a man getting a full erection, the thought maybe today it will happen can soon be replaced with disappointment and frustration. The sexual encounter initially starts with optimism, with he or she are hopeful that maybe this time orgasm will be reached. As the stimulation heightens and the intensity of the moment builds, gradually the thought of yet another failure emerges in the mind until eventually, they accept it’s not going to happen, and the sexual euphoria is quickly replaced by familiar feelings of frustration, exasperation, exhaustion and resignation the that yet again ‘I can’t cum, ‘ ‘I am different’, I am a failure’ as a woman’, ‘I am a failure as a man’, ‘people think I am weird’ and although one can understand these feelings none are correct.

Situation 1

So what is it that stopping the orgasm?

 

He just can’t seem to hit the right spot (female situational anorgasmia)

A lack of skill or knowledge of the male partner to give the right type and length of foreplay is one of the more common reasons women are unable to reach orgasm during sex. Many women know unconsciously what the problem is but feel reluctant even unqualified to say something to their partner about his lack of skill or bad technique. Many of these women can experience clitoral orgasm during sex when given by their own hands or the partner’s hands and even with oral sex but they then find it difficult to reach orgasm through vaginal penetration. Whether it is hands, penis or a toy if the partner is inexperienced and unskilled or simply unimaginative, then the orgasm often becomes an illusive goal.

Make me feel desired

The underlying primal dynamic of a woman is to feel desired. This dynamic is particularly relevant during sex and if a man is either too timid, inexperienced or is focussed primarily on his own pleasure or is just quick to orgasm himself then the mental stimulation a woman requires to take her to orgasm is just not there.

The treatment strategy
Once I understand the situation, and it becomes apparent that the women have only experienced limited or even one type of male sexual dynamic (usually passive or lack of sexual creativity) my strategy is to create a treatment that from the outset is designed to make her feel desired. The treatment starts with an initial exploratory conversation to identify her domestic situation and her experience so far with sex. Often restricting cultural and religious influences can become apparent. Or a childhood where she felt marginalised and criticised even unloved particularly by the male primary carer.  Following this conversation and once she is feeling at ease, I start the massage treatment with firm confident traditional massage strokes of her upper body. As she relaxes the strokes become longer and more explorative with the intention to excite and stimulate both her body and mind. Her responses guide me, and as her body reacts to this new form of stimulation, so the treatment can become more assertive and intentionally arousing. If this stronger approach is received well, usually indicated by her expressing verbal and physical responses, then I know that this assertive, confident approach is what has been missing from the mental stimulation. From this point on I follow my intuition and continue to be guided by her reactions. I sometimes will bring in body weight to stimulate her primal sexual urges. One technique is to put firm pressure to her groin and pelvic floor by slipping my arm between her legs and lifting her body and leaning in to her with my shoulder thus putting to pressure on her groin and pelvic floor. If this also produces a positive response and I sense that she is letting go and moving into her natural primal sexual state, then direct stimulation of the clitoris and internal vaginal stimulation with hands can follow. The clitoral and vaginal stimulation can be given as light touch be more aggressive and id she  is fully relaxed and aroused and most importantly in a trusting state of mind I will continue to give deep firm penetration of the vagina to simulate penetrative sex (with fingers) This is given not so much as a backwards forward motion but more given as an internal massage style to massage the internal walls of the whole vagina wall reaching the G-spot at the upper front and A-spot at the far internal end of the vagina. Often at this point orgasm is reached, sometimes the first of a few as this method can bring on multiple orgasms and is some cases ejaculation.

 

Situation 2

She must cum first

This is a comment I often hear from men who find it difficult to orgasm and ejaculate through penetrative sex. For a man to reach orgasm, he first has to become fully aroused. He needs to be mentally stimulated and free of anxiety. The fit between penis and vagina needs to be snug, and he needs to feel entitled to enjoy mutual pleasure.

Men who can’t orgasm are usually men who are mostly other person focussed rather than self-focused, they are men who when young may have spent much time around an emotionally needy or anxious mother or primary female carer. They can be men who have the tendency to feel self-critical or have an underlying lack of self-worth particularly when around women, making them over-vigilant, holding themselves responsible for getting everything right. If this type of man feels he is not achieving or he senses disapproval or dissatisfaction from his partner, this can result in an inability to reach orgasm certainly with penetrative sex and he may revert to masturbation to finish himself off. If masturbation in front of his partner does not bring him to orgasm, then he may resort to masturbating when he is on his own away from distractions.

The treatment strategy
Before any physical treatment can be given it is important to explore the emotional influences that are driving his need to please. The natural primal dynamic of the male is to seek approval. Excessive focus on achievement at work, sport, his appearance, even the type car he drives can be evidence of a heightened need for approval. How he performs sexually is no different, and for some men, the need to get it right can be so strong that it becomes hard for them to relax and enjoy the moment for himself.

A preliminary fact finding conversation to look at any childhood behaviours particularly his behaviour around primary female carers will start the session.  His tendency to be hyper vigilant to the female dynamic may well have started from an extremely early age.  When older this unconscious dynamic can manifest with female partners and a fear of disapproval or not judging himself to be a good enough lover will increase his anxiety. Orgasm is a moment of complete abandonment and trust, so feeling anxiety will trigger his fight and flight responses, and this will usually result in either an inability to orgasm or loss of erection.

By looking at his early childhood it will help him become aware from where these unconscious fears originate and to see how they now unconsciously appear in his day to day life within work, with friends and lovers. The aim is to start a change of his behaviour, particularly where sex is concerned to show him that given the intimate situation these unconscious feelings are now are inappropriate fears that originated in his child mind but are now being applied out of context. To enhance his self-worth I  teach him to become a more skilled and confident lover and encourage him to reveal his primal assertive side. I encourage him to take the initiative to become a more adventurous sexually creative lover. Once he has adopted this approach, he will see his partner respond positively and this obvious approval will soon arouse him often to the point that he will naturally reach orgasm.

To enhance his self-worth I teach him to become a more skilled and confident lover and encourage him to reveal his primal assertive male. By including either his female partner of if he is single female volunteers into the session the sexual situation can be replicated but contained within a therapeutic supportive environment. By teaching him more about female arousal and how to confidently explore the female body I encourage him to take the initiative to become a more adventurous sexually creative lover. Once he has adopted this approach and sees his partner respond positively and with obvious approval, this will relax him to the point he becomes aroused and orgasm should naturally occur.

 

Situation 3

If I loose control and let myself orgasm something terrible might happen

I often hear women say that they can’t orgasm because they have control issues and that when having sex they are unable to let go and relax. Rather than seeing it as a need to control I feel it is more a trust issue in that to let go when with another person one must feel trusting towards that person and the situation they are both in. Lack of trust is a common factor in women who have experienced trauma or a lack of security when young. The effect of this is to create a behaviour strategy that ensures she remains in control. Talking, directing, fidgeting during sex are the classic indications of an inability to let go. This does not mean that these people are necessarily controlling people but more about remaining in control of the situation. The unconscious thought being ‘If I am in control then I am safe, and if others around me are happy and non-threatening then I am safe’. By not trusting the person and the event the need to be constantly aware and alert will often cause the orgasm to be withheld.

The treatment strategy
It is clear that anxiety during sex plays a large part in withholding pleasure. What differentiates each situation is the motive for the anxiety. For a person who is reluctant to trust others the best way to help them overcome the fear is to equip them with a genuine sense of safety and security. By talking through and identifying the basis of their trust issues one can then create a treatment that comforts this. For the person who may have experienced trauma, it is important to reassure them that they are in a safe, caring place. For the women who feels obligated to make sure everyone else is happy than giving them permission to not be in charge and to be self-focused and self-caring will help them let go of their need to be responsible.

Once the treatment starts the sensation of soothing hands on the body immediately helps relax and calm. The hormones that are released when we are touched play a large part in this, but by incorporating supportive holding even hugging movements, they will relax even quicker. Once the body begins to relax, and the tension dissipates I bring intimate touch with the intent to arouse. This treatment should always remain close and caring. The actual erotic arousal also needs to be given cautiously since any feeling of discomfort can cause an adverse reaction. Orgasm may not always happen the first time, but usually, after a series of sessions, the orgasm will be achieved.

 

Situation 4

There is so much to think about, how can I hope to focus on orgasm

Busy life, always active, run run run, no time for me because I have lots to do!

Often these types are career persons, always on the go. Why, because it’s a distraction. How can one enjoy sex if one is always busy? Similar to the ‘Giver’ type being both mentally and physically frantic is a sure way to hinder receiving pleasure. To be goal driven may appear to be about the seeking achievement but the strive for achievement is the underlying habitual behaviour. The child who has to work hard at school or the sportsman who must, on all accounts win, spends far more time attempting to reach his goal rather than winning the prize. Sex and orgasm are just another platform for them to play out this behaviour and the actual orgasm remains the elusive prize never to be won but always strived for.

Treatment strategy
Recently, I gave a session to female client aged 38. She had never experienced an orgasm of any sort, not even through masturbation, a classic case of primary anorgasmia. Her frustration was palpable, and it was clear that she was at the point of resignation believing that her body was simply not wired to achieve orgasm. During the initial discussion, she revealed that although she grew up in the UK one of her parents originated from a culture that believed high academic achievement was essential and she being the eldest child of three she felt this pressure even more strongly. From as early as she could remember the need to work harder consistently, a mantra her mother instilled in her almost from birth. But no matter how well she did it never seemed enough and there was always another level to reach for.

It is no surprise that for this client achieving orgasm had become interwoven into her paycheque that achievement was not possible. Her brain had become so used to always struggling to achieve so to allow the orgasm to come through was an anathema.

To circumnavigate this repetitive dynamic, I assured her that orgasm was not the expected outcome of the treatment and that she should just enjoy the massage and the sensation of arousal and to let go of the need to try harder. By taking my time and by incorporating elements that took her mind and body to an unfamiliar place of relaxation she was able to focus on herself. As she became more aroused, the erotic stimulation took her quickly to a higher level of pleasure and soon the part of her that had remained suppressed for so long broke though. She then went on to not only experience her first orgasm but to her complete surprise also experienced a full body orgasm.

Below is a testimonial that was given two days after the treatment by the client mentioned in the previous paragraph.

I fully appreciated the time you took to find out the history and reasons why l might have had problems achieving orgasms. It was an eye opener and I was impressed with your subject knowledge. Although l was nervous, to begin with the glass of wine helped! I knew l could totally trust you and knew that l was in your expert hands. I was blown away by the whole experience and for me the icing on the cake achieving that elusive orgasm! It has changed my perception and l am very happy about the experience. I can absolutely recommend you to others and once again a big thank you!

 

Situation 5

She doesn’t seem to like what I am doing

As hunter-gatherers, we shared everything including sexual partners. Not because we were sexually indulgent but because the more sex had, the more chance the species survived. Females would instigate sex by displaying their desire to attract as many males as possible. Harvesting sperm to ensure the best biological match may seem to the modern code of morality a bit carnal, but as an assurance to achieve healthy plentiful offspring it is a very sensible strategy. The primal dynamic of the human male is to be approved of. Whether it’s the size of his bank account, his biceps, his brain or his penis, approval is essential to ensure his genetic survival since deep in his psyche – with its origins reaching back to the beginning of time itself – lack of approval equals rejection. Rejection by the female means no sex and no sex means his genetic line ends.

So men need approval to be turned on, whether it is approval of performance or a sensitive, intimate touch or a wild scream of ecstasy as he makes love to women, any sign that she gives that indicates he is doing a good job will arouse him even more. Conversely, no approval implies no selection and therefore potential rejection. So a man who believes that his female partner is not enjoying herself will feel anxious and concerned, and orgasm will be a challenge to reach.

Treatment strategy
I teach this guy skills and knowledge that will always have her screaming in delight.

 

Situation 6

Good girls like me shouldn’t do this

Men and women who have grown up in either a culturally restricted society or in strongly moralistic or pious environment where sex, in general, is seen as only as procreative often say that when having sex they often feel guilt, shame, dishonour, remorse, embarrassment and that to enjoy sex is the quickest route to hell and damnation.

An acclaimed male porn actor once told me that even after 15 years in the business, even when masturbating by himself he still felt pangs of guilt. No surprise that his Scottish Presbyterian mother had indoctrinated her young son to believe that sex was not to be enjoyed but endured by women and that men who enjoyed sex were selfish and demanding.

The anxiety felt of doing wrong in the name of the clan, religion or culture will always effect the ability to reach orgasm. Recent studies into multi-orgasmic women (women who orgasm multiple times within a short period) 80% of these women surveyed had shunned strong religious backgrounds. That they had then become multi-orgasmic was due to their now higher natural levels of oxytocin in the body before and during sex. Conversely, women who felt in a conflict between their beliefs and the natural sexual desire had a far lower level of oxytocin in the system before and during sex.

Treatment strategy
Success in helping people who experience a lack of orgasm due to guilt and shame can vary greatly and much depends on how far they have let go of theses confining thoughts. When seeing these clients discretion and security is paramount as often they remain obligated to their situation and fear being found out. The actual treatment starts gently as this allows them to relax into the situation but often, like a genie immerging from a bottle the suppressed sexual energy is released, sometimes quite explosively. Orgasm may not be the immediate result but just being allowed to express their natural sexual needs can be life changing

If you are experiencing challenges reaching orgasm and you identify with any of the above examples or if you have another situation, feel free to call or email Colin to talk through in confidence your needs. Colin will then tell you if he feels he may be able to help or will point you in the direction of another specialist who can.

 

6 things you should know about orgasm denial

 

Colin featured in this Cosmopolitan article about female orgasm denial

Click here to read the full article 

Not gonna lie, ‘female orgasm denial’ sound like three pretty scary words. But really, it’s just a fancy and roundabout way of saying ‘intense, built-up orgasms that feel incredible’. Also known by some people as ‘edging’, it is, essentially, being brought to the point of climax before stopping, and building it back up again. You can do it yourself during masturbation, or get your partner to control your pleasure.

1. What it is
The act of taking a woman to near orgasm over and over again. And is nowhere near as scary as it sounds. Oh, and by the time you finally get that release, it feels uh-mazing.

2. How it works
The female sexual response cycle is made up of four stages: excitement, plateau, orgasm, resolution. In the excitement stage, a woman’s muscle tension increases, her heart rate quickens, and her breathing is accelerated. Nipples become erect and blood flow to the genitals increases as vaginal lubrication begins.
Female orgasm denial usually starts in the excitement stage, with some form of light restraint (we’re talking cuffs or a soft rope) causing you to feel beholden to the administrator’s techniques, while feeling your arousal develop.

3. How to start
When you reach the plateau stage, the fun can begin. Your vagina will be fully lubricated and your clitoris hypersensitive. You’ll naturally feel less need to control yourself as the oxytocin floods your body.

The plateau stage will now be in your partner’s control. It can be intensified by the use of a vibrator, taking you right to the edge of orgasm but never quite allowing you the release. You’ll probably feel a confused mix of anticipation, excitement, fear and pleasure (in the best way).

4. Pain and pleasure
Did you know that love, sex, pain and violence all have the potential to stimulate the release of similar chemicals and hormones in the body? When you are aroused and prepared, stress and pain can stimulate the serotonin and melatonin production in the brain, which transforms what could otherwise be painful experiences into pleasurable ones. This could be harder sex, a smack on the bum, or more intense BDSM techniques, and of course, communication before, during and after is key. Combined with the oxytocin caused by the sexual stimulation, the release of epinephrine and norepinephrine in pain can also cause a pleasurable ‘rush’. This means some women experience a double high.

5. Why it can feel great
Without the uniform or environment of traditional BDSM (whips, canes, the usual), female orgasm denial uses a similar dynamic but in a much less daunting way. Many women who enjoy it are into ‘vanilla sex’ but just love the added ingredient of having their pleasure controlled. And obviously, it builds up your orgasm so that when you finally do get it, it is more intense than you could imagine.

6. It’s like a sexy game of pass the parcel (yes, really)
Remember playing pass the parcel when you were a kid? Remember your excited anticipation when the music stopped? And how it felt to tear another layer of paper off? But damn it, no matter how much you wanted to win, the person controlling the music always ultimately held the control? It was only them who could give you the ultimate pleasure of winning.

When Johnny won’t play

Article written by Colin Richards
Psycho-Sensual Masseur & Sex Therapist at: www.intimacymatters.co.uk

So you caught their eye as you entered the room, instant chemistry flows causing a stirring below. Two hours later, hands have brushed thighs, cheeky stories have been shared, bums have been touched but just as the excited anticipation of the next few hours has crossed your mind so has the apprehension that ‘Mr Unpredictable’ may misbehave yet again and later, true to form, your temperamental friend once more seems to have a mind of his own and lets you down.

Does this sound familiar?

If so then you have experienced what most men at sometime in their sensual encounters have also experienced, what is known as Situational Erectile Dysfunction? God forbid that you have a problem, of course not you tell yourself that it was the extra pint you had and yet just when you wanted things to go to plan, they didn’t and frustration and embarrassment ruled the day.

Properly called Situational Erectile Dysfunction it affects many men over the age of 35 and those in high stress work environments, additionally the myth that SED mainly affects older and busy men is simply not the case as guys as young as 20 who also find at times that Mr Temperamental just won’t behave the way they want him to.

What is Situational Erectile Dysfunction?
Not getting or not maintaining an erection can fall in to 5 main categories, some will be driven by physiological causes others by psychological some by a combination of both. They are:

Primary:
When the man has never been able to achieve an erection. This represents approximately 10% of cases of erectile dysfunction.

Secondary:
When the man has had erections in the past, but can no longer achieve or maintain an erection. This traditionally has been viewed as the most common type of erectile dysfunction.

Situational:
Much more common than research reveals, when the man can only achieve an erection in particular situation or with a particular person. For example, he is able to achieve an erection with an extramarital partner, but not his usual partner, or vice-versa. One of the most common scenarios for situational erectile dysfunction is the first time a man tries to have sexual intercourse with someone new.

Total:
When the lack of erection is complete.

Partial:
When there is a degree of erection, but it insufficient to allow sexual intercourse For many men, the image of self is inevitably linked to a perception of masculinity which in turn involves functioning and performing well sexually. – A result of either physiological or psychological influences or often both. Generally, unless the sufferer is experiencing blood pressure problems or is taking some form of blood pressure medication or has heart problems or has general ill health then the cause of SED will be mostly psychological and not pathological. It will probably be the body’s natural fight or flight mechanism (autonomic nervous system) reacting to a perceived fear signal that is causing the body to alternate from its rest & relax mode (Para Sympathetic) to its fight & flight mode (Sympathetic) when certain blood vessels and muscles and bodily characteristics alter their behaviour making a full erection impossible. Quite simply nature has not designed men to “hunt & fuck” at the same time and things can go wrong at any point of the 3 stages of producing and maintaining an erection.

First Stage:
Sexual arousal, getting sexually stimulated from our thoughts and senses.

Second Stage:
The brain communicates the sexual arousal to the body which increases the blood flow to the penis.

Third Stage:
Blood vessels that supply the penis relax allowing an increased blood supply to flow into the shafts that produce the erection.

Psychologial vs Physiological
Physiological causes can be due to a variety of conditions such as: Cardiovascular diseases, Diabetes, Disease of the Nervous System, Aging, Medications, Smoking, Alcoholism, and Hormone Imbalance and can be treated with medical support. However in most cases the condition can also be influenced by Psychological processes and in many cases be the prime reason for intermittent erectile dysfunction. Generally if involuntary erection occurs during the night or on waking in the morning but does not occur or is lost during conscious sex (with another or even during masturbation) then other emotional based influences will be the source. These emotional influences generally fall in to the following two areas, performance and acceptance and if there is any worry around either of these two agendas then this will quickly convert in to a feeling of fear around rejection or abandonment which in turn switches on the primal survival mechanisms of the fight or flight reaction causing the autonomic nervous system to move from the para sympathetic mode that is needed to for arousal to take place to the sympathetic mode of fight or flee.

Early Childhood Influences – Upside down triangle
Often the way a man feels he should perform sexually will be connected to his early childhood psychological development. If he grew up in an environment where he was conditioned to be an achiever and to do well then good performance is essential to his sense of self worth on the other hand if he was taught to be a good boy and not disappoint others then his need to please his partner sexually will be paramount to him feeling relaxed. If one views this like an upside down triangle, sitting on its point, the flat top is the area of his general behavioural platform, sexual performance a major part of this and the point of the triangle, at the bottom represents the primary driver that is influencing this behaviour. Between these points there are often many layers of thought and behaviour that taking place both consciously and unconsciously gradually switching the brain from the rest & relaxed mode (para sympathetic) to fight or flight (sympathetic) and consequent loss of erection. For example;

Conscious
Thought 1 – “I really like this person and want to have sex with them”
Thought 2 – “I am worried about losing my erection”
Thought 3 – “If I lose my erection they will think I don’t like them “
Thought 4 – “If they think I don’t like them then they will not like me”

Unconscious Thoughts
Thought 5 – “If they don’t like me then I am not good enough”
Thought 6 – “If I am not good enough then I will be rejected”
Thought 7 – “If I am rejected I will be abandoned and will be vulnerable”
Thought 8 – “I may die”

How Can a Sensual Massage Help?
The private space of a comfortable massage room and the friendly welcoming openness of a competent masseur can create a supportive caring environment where any focus on performance is removed and where the receiver can concentrate on what he is feeling rather than what he is doing. As the massage unfolds the body slowly becomes relaxed, with the sensual strokes of the massage encouraging arousal to take place causing the body to respond and moving deeper in to the para sympathetic mode. As anxiety levels fall and the body becomes rested this attention on “self” encourages an erection to occur. As the receiver feels the erection grow, his confidence builds and so the body goes deeper in to the relaxed state and the erection responds by getting even firmer causing a positive spiral rather than the traditional negative spiral of anxiety/erection loss/ further anxiety/complete loss of erection.

Throughout the massage the masseur should incorporate certain movements that may intentionally challenge the receivers comfort zones and mildly raise anxiety thus affecting the level of erection. By observing and reading these minute changes of the receivers dynamic, the masseur can begin to understand the possible psychological triggers that may be causing the arousal switch to flick on and off, giving an indication as to the under laying fear that is influencing the arousal process. Also with the attention on himself the receiver is able to be more self aware of the influences and intensity of the erection.

Even if he still does not always able to“get it up” with this better understanding of how he works a man can explain to his partner that it’s because he is so attracted to them that he can’t get a hard on rather than being a signal that he not attracted at all. Changing the thought process and communicating this to the partner will greatly lessen the possibility of SED taking place. For Example;

Better Conscious Thoughts & Actions
Thought 1 – “I really like this person and want to have sex with them”
Thought 2 – “But I am worried about losing my erection”
Thought and action 3 – “I will tell them that I like them and that I am worried about losing my erection ”
Thought and action 4 – “I will be honest and tell them that if I lose my erection it is because I am a little nervous and I want them to have a good time”

Better Unconscious Thoughts
Thought 5 – “Now, If I don’t get an erection they will understand that it’s not because that I don’t like them”
Thought 6 – “Now that they understand that I if lose my erection it is not because I don’t like them, they will continue to like me”
Thought 7 – If I am honest about my fears then they will understand my behavior and not judge me
Thought 8 – “If they don’t judge me I will feel accepted”
Thought 9 – “If I am accepted then I am safe”
Thought 10 – “ If I am safe I will be relaxed and my body will allow me to become aroused

Paradoxically, Thought 10 shows that this shared openness and honesty should help him to feel calm and then he will probably get an erection anyway.

Article written by Colin Richards
Psycho-Sensual Masseur & Sex Therapist at: www.intimacymatters.co.uk

The Bathmate Hydromax

Female Orgasm Denial

Colin Richards is a relationship and sex mentor who is committed to teaching people how to achieve sensual intimacy, better communication and erotic fulfilment.

Erotic sexual denial, also known as orgasm denial, is a sexual practice or sex play in which a person is kept in a heightened state of sexual arousal for an extended length of time without orgasm, and is commonly practiced in association with BDSM and sexual bondage. Erotic sexual denial can be another name for or variant of orgasm control.

Edging is the common term used for orgasm control in men where masturbation is used as the method to edge the man to near orgasm biut withhold from ejaculation. The team popularly used for the women is Female Orgasm Denial 
 
Female Orgasm Denial (FOD) is a method of subjugation of the female by both psychological and physiological control over the recipient’s desire/need to experience orgasm. It can be administered (I use this word purposely since it is given in a more clinical manner rather than a sensual way) by either a male or female administrator but usually by a male. 
 
The act of taking a female to near orgasm over and over again serves as an alternative to more traditional BDSM techniques to subjugate rather than dominate the female.
 
The female sexual response cycle is made up of four stages. Excitement, Plateau, Orgasm, Resolution. In the excitement stage, the female body undergoes physiological changes. Muscle tension increases, heart rate quickens, and breathing is accelerated. The skin may become flushed; Nipples become hardened or erect. Blood flow to the genitals increases and vaginal lubrication begins. When practising FOD, the subjugation usually starts in the excitement stage with some form of light restraint causing the female recipient to feel beholden to the administrator’s techniques while feeling her arousal develop. 

But it is when she reaches the Plateau stage that the orgasm denial begins. Her vagina is now fully lubricated and her clitoris hypersensitive, her heartbeat increases and involuntary muscle spasms occur, and she will naturally feel less and less need to control herself as the oxytocin floods her body. With FOD techniques brought in at this stage, her emotions will become a confused mix of anticipation, excitement, fear and pleasure. The Plateau stage no longer becomes her prerogative but is now within the subjugator’s control and also intensified by the use of a vibrator and other toys and skills, taking her to the edge or orgasm but never quite allowing her the release. This denial of orgasm acts as both a physical and emotional subjugation and is experienced as a combination of pain and pleasure.
 
The relationship between pain and pleasure in female sexuality is as profound as it is complex. In fact, love, sex, pain and violence all stimulate the release of similar chemicals and hormones in the human body. Endorphins that are released in painful experiences are often perceived as pleasurable. Stress and pain can also stimulate the serotonin and melatonin production in the brain, which transforms painful experiences into pleasure. Combined with the oxytocin caused by the sexual stimulation the release of epinephrine and norepinephrine in pain can also cause a pleasurable ‘rush’. The result for some can be a double high.
 
Why it works?
 
Essentially FOD creates a similar dynamic as being a submissive for a dominant, but it is without the uniform or environment of traditional BDSM, i.e., whips, canes. So it may be that women who enjoy FOD are less likely to take part in Kink or S&M but prefer more ‘vanilla sex’ but with the added ingredient of having their ultimate pleasure controlled.
 
To understand, the pleasure of FOD remember playing pass the parcel when you were a kid.  When the present is wrapped up in layer upon layer of bright wrapping paper and it is passed around the circle as the music plays. Remember your excited anticipation when the music stopped and the exuberance of tearing another layer of paper off. But damn it no matter how much you wanted to win, the music man had the final control. It was only he who could give you the ultimate pleasure of….. Orgasm whoops, I mean winning.

To find out more about Colin Richards, visit: www.intimacymatters.co.uk

Foreplay is Fun

Why some men like men

men like men

The Theory of 5 Influences

Introduction

Whether a man defines himself as gay, bisexual or bi-curious society tends to label him as homosexual. This polarised view of sexuality is increasingly being challenged, and now many experts recognize that to define a person’s sexuality in such a binary manner is wrong. Still, the favored explanations put forward to explain why a man maybe sexually attracted to another man is that it is either a choice he has made, or it is genetically per-determined.

In his Theory of 5 Influences, Sex Mentor Colin Richards challenges that perception. Informed by his 12 years experience of working with thousands of men who have expressed a broader sexuality plus his subsequent research with two independent surveys Colin presents his arguments and his findings to support his Theory of 5 Influences.

If ever you have questioned your subconscious sexual desires or recognize that you do have some attraction to same sex intimacy but do not self-identify as being homosexual then The Theory of 5 Influences will enable you to look at your feelings in a different light. The Theory of 5 Influences supports the idea that a persons sexuality is unique and that it is a combination of factors that includes genetics, environment, psychology, and natural life process that is in a perpetual state of change through a persons life.

The five dynamics that combine to create your unique sexuality.

For 12 years I have worked as a professional masseur and sex mentor, and during that time I have given appointments to men and women of all ages, sexualities and cultural backgrounds for both sensual massage and sexual performance mentoring. As well as general sexual performance advice I also give support to many men and women who feel or desire to explore their sexuality. I estimate of the 5000 male clients and 1000 female clients I have seen, 65% tell me that although they present themselves publicly as heterosexual, they privately recognise they have a desire to experience sensual or sexual intimacy with another person of the same sex. Many come to appreciate even welcome their poly sexuality, but for some, it can prove a challenging time and so to lessen the confusion and ease their minds and so they can live life contented with whom they really are, I take the time to explain why I believe they feel the way they do. The Theory of 5 Influences is my understanding of how a person’s sexual attraction is made up.

why men like men

Why I focus on male sexuality

In this article, I focus on male same-sex attraction rather female same-sex attraction. The theory applies to both genders but for ease of explanation I have chosen to focus on male sexuality. I have worked with more men than women since even in the more enlightened societies of the West if a man is seen to have intimate or sexual contact with another man he is immediately labeled as being gay, whereas a woman has more freedom to explore her sexuality without being labeled as a lesbian.

In brief

I believe that the desire for a man to experience male to male sex is mostly an unconscious desire to bond and emotionally connect with another man and not just for the sexual pleasure.  To prove this I set up two surveys asking various questions to establish this broader desire


The surveys

I began an initial sexuality survey in 2006 on the Massage33 web site. When clients registered to access more detailed information on treatments they were asked to complete a registration form in which they were asked to define their sexuality. However, rather than just the one question they were asked to state both their publicly acknowledged sexuality (the sexuality they openly admit to) and their privately acknowledged sexuality (the sexuality they feel they really are but can’t be public about). The surprising results of this prompted me to set up a more comprehensive survey asking more defined questions about the relationship with primary carers, what was important to them in the sexual experience, profession, and personal traits and characteristics. This second survey began in 2012 and is still running. The graphs shown below are from the data collected up to January 2016.

If you would like to add to take the survey and add your data to the survey please click on the link below

 Click Here to take the survey

Survey Results

1. When asked to state their publicly presented sexuality

(what they tell family & friends)

why men like men

Total Surveyed 335

60% Straight – 204
35% Gay – 117
3% Bi Sexual – 11
1% Bi Curious – 3

2. When asked to state their privately acknowledged sexuality

(what they actually feel about themselves)

why men like men

Total surveyed 335

13% Straight – 44
49% Gay – 167
20% Bisexual – 68
16% Bi Curious – 56

a) Breakdown of change of the 204 men who publicly presented as Straight compared to their actual privately acknowledged sexuality

Remained Straight – 40
Straight to Gay – 57
Straight to Bi Sexual – 67
Straight to Bi Curious – 56

b) Withholding true sexuality

This statistic shows that of 204 men surveyed who identify publicly as Straight 180 (88%) were withholding their true sexuality.

c) Men in female relationships

Of 112 men who declared that they had been or currently were married or partnered or seeing women sexually as single men, 82 (73%)  are withholding their true sexuality from their female partners.

3. Survey on attitude to experiencing male to male sensual touch

why men like men

Of the 44 men who defined themselves as straight both publicly and privately, 26 say that they have received sensual touch from another man at least once and have enjoyed it and would receive again.

(colin’s comment – this indicates that a man can regard himself as totally straight but still have an attraction to share intimate arousal with another man without it challenging his identity. If these men were added to the above statistics for Bi Curious ie taking the statistic from 56 to 80 and then reducing the Straight statistic by 24 to 16, the result shows that of the 204 men who publicly presented as Straight only 7% are truly not interested in any sensual interaction with other men. Furthermore, there are 6 men, who have declared their total straightness but have indicated that although they have never experienced sensual touch with another man before they are interested to try it sometime in the future)

a) Of the 335 men surveyed about their desires for sensual touch with another man

27%  Enjoy it occasionally – 89
62% Enjoy it often -211
8% Want to try it – 26
3% Do not want to try it at all – 9

4. Aspects of male to male sexual behavior

The survey also asked questions about what men felt was important to them when having a sensual or sexual interaction with another man.

a) Importance or erotic intimacy

why men like men

63% Very Important – 214
23% Important – 79
6 % Moderately Important – 20
1% Little Importance  – 5
6% Unimportant – 17

Interestingly of the 22 who answered Unimportant or Little Importance 15 were the men who defined as Straight both publicly and privately.

b) Importance of anal sex

why men like men


The Theory of 5 Influences

This theory advances the premise that a person’s attraction to another person, whether male or female, is not fixed at birth but is dependent on five primary influences that can sway attraction from opposite sex to same sex or a combination of both. The theory of 5 influences also advances the hypothesis that attraction is a combination of sexual, psychological, and emotional, so it is quite possible for a person to be both heterosexual and homo-emotional at the same time.

Whilst there is clear scientific evidence that our genetics do play a part in a persons orientation in the same way that a particular personality trait or talent can be passed through the genes, it is what happens to us during birth and the following unfolding years right up to mid life that continually influences our sexual, sensual and emotional attractions to others.

Influence 1-  Genetic pre disposition and pre-birth environmental 

Foetal brain development during pregnancy and the effect of a stressed/non-stressed pregnancy on the long-term characteristics of the male.

This first influence is based on the character attributes determined by being born from a stressed or unstressed pregnancy. It puts forward the theory that those children born from an unstressed pregnancy are more likely, but not necessarily, to become adults who develop either bisexual or homosexual attractions later in life.

Conversely, children born from stressed pregnancies are more likely but not necessarily to be adults who are more heterosexually focussed later in life. The tendency is for a first born child, being the mothers first pregnancy display these more heterosexual traits. However, this influence should be seen as a starting point on a moving spectrum that is effected by any or all of the following four other influences.

Men from stressed pregnancies

A recent study at Imperial College London shows that stress experienced by a woman during pregnancy may affect her unborn baby as early as 17 weeks after conception, with potentially permanent effects on brain and development. The 5 influences theory puts forward the idea that the more stressed the pregnancy, the more likely the child would be born with self-survival instincts. Nature’s method of ensuring the survival of the species in times of danger.

These characteristics are:

  • a competitive nature
  • self-centered
  • less sense lack of empathy towards others
  • a tendency to be aggressive/defensive
  • non-intimate
  • controlling personality
  • strongly heterosexual.

These are all attributes that would be beneficial for survival particularly in life-threatening times. If food was scarce or her security and safety threatened the pregnant mother would be in a sate of anxiety and the developing child she is carrying would be programmed with characteristics that equipped it with a better chance of survival. I call this the SIM effect (Self-Interested Male)

This SIM male will be naturally competitive with a tendency to fight for its own survival. Being self-centered/introvert he will be focussed on his own needs. Having a lack of empathy towards others ensures he puts himself first and is not reliant on others to support him. His tendency towards aggressive or defensive behavior and to be hyper aware and vigilant against threats and able to respond quickly and confidently, ensures he can defend or protect himself. Being non-intimate removes the need to develop close relationships and so he can continually seek new sexual partners. The more sex he has the more chance of ensuring his genetic line. He will have a controlling personality since by controlling his environment he maintains his own security and safety. Being assertively heterosexual he is continually seeking out opportunities to procreate with females again to secure his genes and maintain the species in times of threat.

The more stressed the pregnancy the stronger these characteristics appear to be and it seems that in modern times these types of men will havea  tendency to follow specific careers as Barristers, Salespeople, Competitive Sportsmen, Politicians, the Military, Surgeons, Bankers, Entrepreneurs, Celebrity types. Not surprisingly these are often the men that we hear about in the press who use sex workers and it is their wives who often complain that their SIM husbands are egotistical, unfaithful and when it come to sex are assertive but lacking in foreplay skills and are more focussed their own pleasure than their female partners.

why men like men

Men from a less stressed pregnancy

A child born from a pregnancy that is less stressed appears to develop characteristics of a completely different nature. These characteristics appear designed to be inclusive of others rather than exclusive. Typically these characteristics are:-

  • empathetic
  • good communicators
  • sensitive
  • other people focussed/extrovert,
  • creative
  • bisexual or polysexual
  • have a need of physical intimacy
  • Attributes that are designed to bond with others and help build relationships and community

I call these types SOM’s (Social Open Males)

In early man when food was plenty and life secure that was the time for building and expanding the community. Less focus on the species survival but more on species growth. This meant the SIM males although still necessary the community also needed SOM males who more could be creative with food collection, supportive of the group they belonged to, be able to work as a team with other males to support the group. To communicate and be good organisers and to have a caring nature to maintain group harmony.

Careers these types of men tend to follow today are as Accountants, Solicitors, Small Business Owners, Hospitality, Therapists, Teachers, Nurses, Theatre Actors, Academics, Consultants, IT Developers, Designers. The Som personality types have skills that are about developing and supporting the broader community.

Of course male biology is not polarized and all males will have their own unique biology at birth, according to the foetal development in relations to the mother’s disposition and biological chemistry during pregnancy, meaning that these innate characteristics should be seen as being on a spectrum placing every male anywhere from being a total SIM to a SOM or somewhere in between as most of us are.

Of the 380 men surveyed and asked about the state of their mothers well being during her pregnancy with them 57% said that they were either quite or very calm.

72 – A little stressed (19%)
28 – don’t know( 7.5%)
113 – quite calm (30.5%)
50 – somewhat stressed (13.5%)
13 – very stressed (3.5%)
101 – very calm (27%)

Of those 216 that said quite or very calm 179 ( 82%) were men who later in life defined themselves privately as gay, bi sexual or bicurious supporting the fact that a calm pregnancy may psychological program the child to have more empathetic , creative and community focussed characteristics.

Influence 2 – Cultural

Our circumstances at birth to 10 yrs

We don’t get a choice about where on the planet we are born, who our biological parents are or what culture or belief system we are educated by. From the moment we are born, maybe even before, we are bombarded by unconscious messages from parents, siblings, teachers, friends and strangers on how we should behave so that we are accepted by the community we are born into and survive the challenging time of childhood.

No matter if a male child is born with the self-focussed characteristics of the SIM or empatheitic nature of the SOM the moment the child is born his reptilian brain will react to the messages being given to him as to how best to behave to be sure to maintain food, shelter, and sustenance.

If the child is born a natural SOM but grows up in an ultra conservative closed minded society of strict morality around sex and is given clearly defined gender type roles of how a male should behave then his SOM characteristics will become suppressed. For example, a male child who by the age of 6 is showing a natural talent for dance, theater or art may be forced to deny theses talents because the culture he is born into dictates that he should play football, climb trees, learn to fight. Equally a SIM might be born into a very liberal society and find that his flamboyant artistic hippy parents live by a code that does not fit with his competitive less empathetic character.

Think of the fictional characters of Batman and Robin. Batman or Bruce Wayne was born an only child in a crime-ridden city of Gotham (probably stressed pregnancy) to Philanthropist parents Dr Thomas and Martha Wayne, who when he was 8 years old were murdered in the back streets of Gotham City to make young Bruce an orphan and the ultimate SIM (think image, attitude, ego etc) where as Robin is more than likely a strong SOM (colorful, eager to please, sensitive, and always in the supporting role) Maybe if the story was different Brue may have become a city tycoon and Robin a fashion designer!

How this effects a mans sexuality is that by adolescence when a young man becomes aware of his sexuality if he is feeling any draw to same-sex intimacy or exploration this will be suppressed so that he does not risk being rejected by his family and community. This is why in the survey, we see many men who say they have lived a heterosexual live for many years but who say that attraction to other males started before the age of 18.

67% of men surveyed (225/335) said that their attraction to other men started before the age of 18. Of that 82% (185/225) are men who at the time of the survey were still publicly defining themselves as straight.

why men like men

Age when they became first aware of same sex attraction

Influence 3 – Paternal Relationship 0 -16 yrs

In parallel and quite often in conflict the with the second influence the third influence is to do with our relationships with our mothers and fathers or primary carers when we are young. I have noticed that most men who seek same sex sensual intimacy later in life have experienced similar relationship dynamics with fathers or a  primary male carer who were responsible for their welfare and security in childhood.

It appears that if the relationship between the primary male figure in the child’s early life is in some way emotionally fractured or absent then there is a far greater tendency to seek masculine connection and approval from other men later in life. It could be that the father is often absent due to work or maybe has divorce and consequently has little contact. Aggression from father to son, high expectation and pressure to perform, death, lack of interest, addiction are all possible reasons why the relationship between the son and father can become emotionally broken.

Why should this then manifest in an interest in other men later on in life? A smooth developmental journey of a child is extremely important if that child is going to grow into a self confident grounded adult. From birth to 2yrs we learn trust vs. mistrust, from 2 to 3 years, autonomy vs. shame and doubt. 3 to 5 years initiative vs. guilt, 6 to 11 years industry vs. inferiority and then in our teens identity vs inferiority and it is mostly from our parents that we learn the difference or become one or other. It follows that if during the period between birth and 14 one of the main influencers on the child’s development, the father, is negative or absent and not replaced, then there will be a strong tendency for that child to feel the negative aspects about themselves. To mitigate this, as they get older,  this undeveloped self will seek out from other male figures the approval it missed and still yearns.  This need or attraction is emotional rather than sexual but often it will manifest in physical contact with other males. Hugging, holding, stroking are all basic methods with which early humans developed trusting relationship with one another and the more intimate and sensitive area of the body touched the more trusting the relations will be.

To check this 3rd influence I asked men to select the most accurate description of the relationship between themselves and their fathers or primary male carers before the age of 12. Out of 366 answers 253 (69%) report that they had a relationship with their fathers that they felt some level of emotional distance, absence or aggression. Only 96 (26%) said they had a close supportive relationship and 17 (4%) said he was OK.

why men like men

 Influence 4 – Maternal Relationship 0-16 yrs

The 4th influence is the state of the relationship between the male child and his mother or his primary female carer from birth to around 16. If the relationship with the father or primary male career has been fractured then often the relationship with the mother will become closer. A child needs an environment of sustenance and safety in which to grow, and without a positive relationship with a male figure, they will often have to rely more on the female carer for their security.

This will be the mother but can also be relationships with a grandmother or even female siblings. It often follows that if the father is absent or aggressive then the mother or female carers maybe the sole provider and have a tough job to maintain the welfare of the family. The effect of this extra demand can result in the mother feeling extra stress and have the tendency to be anxious. Long working hours or being absent for periods of time will cause the male child to be very aware of the need to support his mother and behave in a manner that does not increase her stress. He will learn to micro manage her moods and then adjust his own behavior accordingly. Helping around the home, being a good boy, avoiding getting in the way are all familiar behavior adaptations of a male child who is brought up in these circumstances.

Later life when an adult he will through habit unconsciously continue to monitor female partner’s moods. He will be more susceptible to female criticism. During adolescence and into his 20’s a man when if he has begun to have sexual experiences with women it is unlikely he will be much aware of any affect on his performance but as he gets older and his body is less fit he may begin to experience early erectile issues.

Loss of erection, inability to orgasm or spontaneous ejaculation are all classic issues for men who feel anxiety during sex. If this anxiety becomes regular and frequently occurs when he is a female, then he may begin to wonder about his sexuality.

To compound this feeling of ambiguity, if he is also becoming aware of his need to bond physically with another male this can cause him to question his true sexuality. Male clients who are in heterosexual relationships but have come to me for sensual massage, have told me that although they seek sex with women, they often experience issues with sexual performance but when with another man they have felt relaxed and at ease.

They say they have felt more turned on, with erections being maintained and a deeper sense of pleasure being experienced. This will re affirm their belief that they must be more attracted to men maybe even be gay when in fact it is a combination of influences of the need to feel masculine approval and an over sensitive reaction to percieved female judgment.

The survey asked the question; select the most accurate description of your relationship with your mother or primary female carer before the age of 12. Of 372 answers 257 ( 69%) said it was close caring and supportive.
Of the 257 men who stated that their relationship with their mother was close, caring and supportive 221 (86 %) privately define themselves as either gay (124) bi sexual (46) or bi-curious (51) leaving only 14% (35) defining as straight.

why men like men

Influence 5 – Life Cycle Bonding 

Competitive Procreators to Co-Operative Provider

The time frame for the evolution of the genus Homo out of the chimpanzee–human last common ancestor is roughly 10 to 2 million years ago. Our species of Homo Sapien has been in existence for about 1.8 million years. It is estimated that we have been communicating with a verbal language for about 200,000 years so it is not unreasonable to assume that prior to a verbal language being our primary form of communication that a visual and physical language must have been the method for at least couple of million years.

We only have to watch our domestic pets or farm animals to witness how nonverbal languages work. Two dogs meet and tails wag and bottoms get sniffed, two horses meet and they snuffle ones another’s necks, a small dog meets a large dog and the former rolls over exposing its stomach and genitals. As animals communicate visually and physically so do we humans. Maybe we are not so aware but each time we communicate we also use physical signs to support our message. Gestures, eye contact and of course touch. A hand rests on a shoulder to show support, a palm touches a cheek to show affection, we hug, we kiss, we hold hands.

Although the survey shows that most of the men asked the question when did they first became aware of their attraction to the same sex of the 383 asked 67% said they first became aware of an attraction before the age of 18 years. However, of the 383 who gave their age at the time they are now  297  out of 383, 76% are above age of 41. It can be argued that this will be dependent on the age selection of the survey takes but since many of those taking the survey have come to it by search engine or via male to male sensual massage web sites it can be argued that their is a tendency for older men to seek male to male physical intimacy.

why men like men

From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense. If it is accepted that the primary strategy of the male is to secure his genetic future by having sexual intercourse with as many females as possible, so quantity above quality.

On the other hand, the sexual strategy of the female is to seek quantity and quality, so she will be more selective about which males she has sex with since she needs to ensure that her biology has a choice of genetic matches to chose from. This strategy ensures both a good biological match but also since the various mals she has had sexual intercourse with actually have no idea which of them is the biological father she has in fact created multiple fathers. When the baby is born not all the males will take an interest in both her and the offspring’s welfare since there is a chance that they are the biological father.

This strategy highlights the two fundamental strategies of the male and female that underpins both genders behavior. Males seek approval ( they need to be chosen by the female to have sex) and female seek desire (the more desirable she makes herself, the more males she attracts to have sex with)

For the female, the motivation to be desirable continues until menopause, and she can be sexually productive for anything up to her mid 50s. The male, on the other hand, starts his menopause at around twenty-one. It begins very slowly, and most men have little awareness of any changes in their libido. But once they pass their mid-twenties most men will experience a gradual decline in virility. Sponateous erections experienced when a teenager no longer happen quite so regularly. By the age of 30 usually getting aroused requires either visual or physical stimulation and by 40 maintaining an erection can become unpredictable. A question I am often asked (particularly by older women) is why do women hit their second sexual peek in their 40’s, and yet men seem to be on the sexual decline by this age. This is because nature wants females to mostly procreate with younger males/ Younger males have less change of carrying a virus they are fit and can protect. At a younger age when they are fit and sexually receptive they attract similar aged males but when female become more mature it is even more necessary for them to mate with a young healthy male. The Cougar woman is not a fantasy.

So if nature’s processes imply that older men are no longer required to be the primary procreators having to leave this role to the younger males, why are they not dispensed with. Why does nature keep older males alive, why not kill them off. Because their roles change. Older males are experienced, stronger and therefore can serve the community by being protectors and providers rather than front line procreators

Human child rearing is not particularly efficient when it comes to securing genetic lineage. Most human females only have one child at a time. Pregnancy is nine months, and during this time the mother is vulnerable and needs support and security to ensure a safe birth. This vulnerability continues after birth for a least another three years while she is rearing the child in which time she may have had two more offspring. So the older males would be tasked with caring and protecting the groups offspring. To achieve this, they need to work together to hunt, fight off predators and be creative in making the home secure and safe. To work together like this these older males need to alter their relationship with other older males from being competitive procreators to becoming cooperative providers.

Today men build relationships mostly by talking, meeting in the pub, sharing stories about exploits or sports teams. But before humans developed speech 200,000 years males would have been achieved this relationship change with a visual or physical language. A language of touch. To touch one another was a sign of acceptance, to touch one another in vulnerable areas of the body, the genitals and more poignantly the testicles, Mutual touching of these spots showed a sign of complete trust. Sharing ones testicles not only meant the male was metaphorically trusting the other male with his genetic future but it also felt good. As the testicles are stroked signals are sent to the limbic system of the brain that immediately causes large amounts of the ‘ love hormone’ Oxytocin to be released. This relaxes the male and encourages them to bond with one another.

This evolutionary process to shift the male to male relationships from competitive procreator to co operative provider is still happening today. We see it in every day life when as they get older men tend to join male orientated communities such as the sports club, the gym, and now with dating apps like Grndr men seek out other men for sexual pleasure, they seek out close intimate male relationships, and reciprocal genital touch and arousal is very much a part of this evolutionary male to male bonding process.

Imagine two males who once were vying for females meet on the planes of African 250,0000 years ago. Instinct tells them they need to go hunt together and to protect one another. Initially, they touch and poke one another, but gradually the touching becomes more sensual causing oxytocin to be released from the pituitary gland. The oxytocin immediately relaxes and turns them on, and soon the touching becomes sexually pleasurable with the testicles being the most sensitive and vulnerable part of the body that can be allowed to be touched by another. This is a classic behavior of the Bonobo chimpanzee that uses this same strategy to maintain a social calm in their troop. Bonobos and Humans are genetically 97% similar.

Is it too far fetched to consider that once migration out of Africa happened and humans lived in colder climates where garments were needed that the male to the male ceremony of touching one another’s testicle evolved into a symbolism of touching hands….. the handshake!

The word Testify comes from the Latin word for Testicle – Read More 

From Colin

If you have found this article of interest or helpful and you are willing to share your own personal story about your own sexuality and you would like to help me change the way men understand their own sexuality and how society sees male sexuality in general, then please take the survey.

Take The Survey – Click Here

To send your personal story email colin at – colin@intimacymatters.co.uk

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Better Orgasms For Men

Better Orgasms for Men

One of the best exercises to incorporate into your penis exercising routine is edging. It not only helps improve the penis in the main three ways: building stamina, improving hardness, and making it bigger, it also adds a little bit of fun to your penis workouts.

Edging, sometimes known as peaking or surfing, is a very straight-forward sexual exercise. In a nutshell, edging is masturbation with stopping right before you reach the point of no return (PONR). It can be performed either alone or with a partner. For advanced edgers, this exercise can also be performed during actual intercourse. Once your urge to ejaculate has subsided, you repeat the process as many times as you’d like.

The purpose of edging is to learn your body cues as you near orgasm. This, ultimately, will give you better orgasm control. Once you decide to allow yourself to climax, the orgasm is incredibly intense, due to the build-up of sexual stimulation.

Every time you get an erection you’re exercising the smooth muscle of the penis. This reinforces a harder and healthier penis. Edging is the most beneficial form of an erection, because during a proper edging session you are near your peak size and hardness for a large amount of time.

For men suffering from erectile dysfunction, due to psychological reasons, this can give you the confidence you need, the next time you’re about to have sex. Sometimes, erectile dysfunction is due to a vicious psychological cycle, where failure to get or maintain an erection leads to anxiety in the bedroom. This anxiety then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading to more erection difficulties. Proving that you can get and maintain an erection, through edging, can help allay this anxiety.

1. Use your love muscle

Great abs may help you get lucky, but if you want to get the most from the experience you need to work on your pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. At the floor of your pelvis, it controls peeing and spasms during climax, which is why doctors and sex therapists recommend developing it to improve orgasm and reduce the chances of premature ejaculation. It’s also the muscle that enables dogs to wag their tails, but that’s another story entirely. Kegel exercises will develop PC power. Squeeze the muscle you use to hold back your pee. Once you’ve identified this muscle, tighten it, hold for two seconds, then release. Repeat 20 times, three times a day, gradually holding it tight for longer. And keep at it. “Kegels must be done on a regular basis to have any benefit,” says Gordon Muir, consultant urologist at King’s College Hospital.

2. Take it to the edge

No technique is as successful in improving male orgasms as edging – holding back at the point of no return, resting, then working up to it again. And again. And again. Practice by masturbating until you’re about to come, then stop, slow your breathing and wait 30 seconds before carrying on. Or try preventing ejaculation by gently pulling down on your testicles or squeezing the tip of your penis just as you’re about to orgasm. Then repeat the process. Master the art of edging and you’ll achieve contractile or “dry” orgasms: all the fun of the Big “O” minus the ejaculation and subsequent loss of wood. If you practise enough you may even experience the male multiple.The technique can result in incredibly intense orgasms.

3. Don’t play with yourself

Okay, stop “practising”. Masturbation won’t give you the kind of mind-blowing eye-roller that sex will. You know it, your partner knows it and what’s more Mother Nature likes it that way. According to a study by Stuart Brody, professor of psychology at the University of Paisley in Scotland, the body releases 400% more of the hormone prolactin (which makes us feel sexually satisfied) following vaginal penetration than it does after masturbation. “Evolutionary forces always reward behaviours associated with successful reproduction,” says Brody. “And penile-vaginal sex is the only sexual behaviour that passes on your genes.”

4. Take a deep breath

Ask any tantric sex therapist, how to achieve full-bodied orgasms and they’ll tell you the key is controlled breathing. “If you keep it deep and regular, allowing more intense arousal to build, your orgasming will become more and more satisfying, Rapid breathing, on the other hand, increases your excitement, pushing you over the edge. “Breathing methods intensify male orgasm by increasing oxygen to the physiological processes involved in arousal. Take shallower in-breaths through your nose and deeper out-breaths through your mouth to diffuse inevitable psychological and muscular tension and intensify your orgasmic experience.

5. Use your brain

Orgasm is all about brain activation says. The brain activates the genitals and controls everything. Unlike women, though, who experience intense activity in the area of the brain connected with emotion, men experience most activity in the secondary somatosensory cortex, which deals with physical sensations. The upshot? For better orgasms, your partner needs to focus more on your penis and you need to focus on the sensations coming from it.

6. Heat things up

Fact, men with cold feet have a much harder time reaching orgasm than those wearing socks. The more comfortable we are, the more relaxed we are, and relaxation means better orgasms.

Driver Awareness Course

Often when I am working with single women or couples, it soon is clear that the primary reason for sexual complacency or even dissatisfaction in their relationship is that the sex has become boring or has always been unfulfilling with both partners accepting that nothing will change.

How we relate to sex and intimacy, is very much dependent on what influences we have been exposed to when young and how sex is presented to us by our parents and teachers. Upbringing, culture, and belief systems go a long way to encourage or discourage our sexual awareness and confidence. If we do not receive adequate sex education either formally or through our own means then we can get left behind on the sexual journey. If we then meet a partner who is equally sexually restrained, then the joint adventure of experiencing together the exquisite pleasures of sexual intimacy remains elusive.

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To compound the problem if a man or women is experiencing a lack of sexual fulfilment they only believe so because of  hearing stories of other people’s conquests and sexual adventures. This will only go further to undermine the sexual confidence of the unsatisfied.

Women who can not reach orgasm, men who feel shy and guilty about sex, women who feel ashamed or culturally bound to behave, men who lack knowledge and experience or men who fear disapproval by getting it wrong. These are often the underlying reasons why a sexual relationship can turn sour.

Here are a couple of short stories to highlight one of the reasons why sex in a relationship can become mundane and unappealing.

Brad, who works in Canary Wharf as a hedge fund manager, simply loves the buzz of making money and the fast paced self-indulgent lifestyle that it brings with it.  Only one thing is dampening Brads happiness, and that is his inability to maintain a long-term relationship. Brad loves women; he loves sex, and nothing makes him more satisfied than giving women an orgasm. But little does Brad realise that it is how he has sex that is the main reason the long term relationship, marriage, and children he longs for to complete his self-vision, remains a fantasy. Like the way he drives his new primrose yellow Porsche Cayman sports car, Brad has sex. He hits the road, straight on to the M5 motorway, blasts down the fast lane and after 20 miles of high-speed racing turns to his female passenger and asks “ Wow did you enjoy that?” To finish his journey Brad then pulls off and takes her to enjoy a pint at HIS favourite pub “The Bull in Bush!” with his equally nonempathetic mates while she sits there sipping warm glass of Cava that Brad graciously bought her and wondering if the journey was about her at all!

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Now don’t get me wrong, fast cars, pints, and pubs are great but for Brads female passenger the novelty soon wears off. More than likely this is the way Brad will have sex, he has sex continually steaming away in 5th gear with little regard to his partner’s pleasure and only focussed on his achievements and pleasure. No wonder his partners soon hitch another ride with a more versatile considerate driver.

Simon, on the other hand, is Mr Sensible, he has trained long and hard and is soon to become a partner in the solicitors firm he works for. Simon has many friends and his weekends are often taken up inviting them around for a meal which he takes great care to prepare and execute. Simon is very proud of his Nissan Rogue. It sits in his drive way in Putney for most of the week and then on Saturday he religiously takes it out onto the M25  for a quick spin. It does not take long for Simon to get up to his top speed as he always remains within the speed limit and only goes for 2 juntions.  He prides himself on his careful driving and so rarely finds he has to leave the slow lane. After his Saturday routine tour, Simon likes to return home to a regular Sunday roast.  Sadly Simon is so sure his way is the best way that he never realises that his partner fantasises for the day when Simon takes them out in a British racing green Jaguar F-type to race down the M3, wind blowing in hair to end up at the most romantic beach on the south coast for Champagne and oysters to make wild passionate love.

Fortunately, there are not many Brads and Simons around. But many men will have shades of one or other of the characters. The ideal is that men embody a combination of the two. The Brads to become more other aware and Simons to become more bold and adventurous. Whichever story is identified with, investing time in learning how to expand skills as a lover, to adopt some or either Brad or Simons positive characterises will make your and your partner’s sex life a much more exciting journey. So, gentlemen, whether you are straight, gay or bisexual think what car you drive,  how and where you drive it and what might be your passenger’s experience.

By watching and learning from our Intimate Tutorials; Male to Female and or Male to Male Tutorials, you can increase your knowledge, confidence and skills as a lover. By incorporating a better awareness of the psychology of sex and the skills of intimate erotic touch, you can become a lover that everyone wants to hitch a ride with. So don’t just become a better driver why not invest in taking your advanced driver course or even obtain an HGV license and become king of the road.

Sex Strategy For New Couples

A Simple Sex Strategy For New Couples

For couples starting out in marriage, sexual chemistry should not usually be a concern. The decision to get married would most likely have been made on the basis that the sexual connection between the couple has been a pretty good one, maybe a bit inexperienced but at the least one that is fulfilling enough to suppose that good sex will last for decades.

However this is most often not the case and usually, within 3 to 5 years couples find that the sex in their relationship has at best changed to one of routine or at worst a struggle to maintain. Why? Of course pregnancy, infants waking during the night, working hard to provide for the family, are all factors that will influence the decline of sex between a couple. But underpinning these distractions is far more natural, and unconscious influence and that is our real sexual agenda to ensure our species survival.

Humans are tribal animals and are not biologically or psychologically designed to be sexually monogamous. The male, who until the advent of DNA testing could never know for certain that he was the father of a child, is programmed to approach sex with quantity over quality strategy. The more sex a male has, the more chance of making a baby and securing his genetic line. For the female by giving birth, she can be sure that her genetic line is maintained though she still has to ensure that the offspring survives and that both she and the child have protection and security during pregnancy and for at least several years after or until the child can fend for itself. So a combined strategy of quality and some quantity is for a the female the best method of ensuring: –

a) best genes (sperm) from which to conceive the healthiest baby

b) Maximizes her support network by having sex with several males displaying different characteristics and abilities but who all have a vested interest in keeping her and the child fed, safe and secure just in case they are the genetic father.

With this primal dynamic underpinning natural sexual agenda in play, how can a couple in the 21stcentuary maintain good sex between one another?

Follow this simple premise when making love and you will ensure sex remains exciting and fulfilling

Women seek DESIRE, Men seek APPROVAL

The more desired a female is, the more males she will attract to have sex with so feeling desired is an important arousal trigger for the female.

Tip – A man can should show his desire by alternating his traits in and out of the bedroom by becoming:-

Mr Creative – handyman, builder of home and sexually creative.
Mr Assertive – Dominant and sexually passionate.
Mr Caring, – tender and sexually intimate
Mr Provider – Security and sexually generous to her needs
Mr Unpredictable – Interesting and sexually adventurous
Mr Protector – The gentleman and sexual proprietary

Men seek APPROVAL

If approved of by a female then the man gets to have sex and a chance to secure his genetic line

Tip – She should show him approval by being his:-

Lover – Intimacy, Tactility, Closeness,
Slut – Abandoned, Primal, Raw Sex, Debauched
Mother – Appreciation, Tenderness, Complimentary, Pride
Mistress – Assertive, Decisive, Dominant